tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-350481082024-03-13T07:30:53.359-04:00The Helium BurdenThe blog of the late Tracey ClarkeTracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-47434262435333284642012-08-01T15:34:00.001-04:002012-08-02T12:47:41.978-04:00one Year Out.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vPlRiIo-6zE/UAsR4tHmzUI/AAAAAAAACGg/w0Xqavvp7rg/s1600/Image+%2860%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vPlRiIo-6zE/UAsR4tHmzUI/AAAAAAAACGg/w0Xqavvp7rg/s400/Image+%2860%29.jpg" width="331" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Looking in the mirror I almost look like nothing every happened. I revisited my friend, Kathy's, account of that Thursday morning seems almost ancient to me.<br />
<br />
We've all heard the pep-tales of mighty over comers....called 'survivors' in the cancer tribe. I'm all for surviving, but it is clear to me I am here one year out from a catastrophic diagnosis not because of positive thought practice as my thoughts rarely run that stream. I am a few days out from another seizure and as I sit here in the pit of my stomach I am anxious at the prospect of another. I am tuned into every weird sensation in my head and limbs, each little vision tick and I will be for several days until each stacks up some normalcy.<br />
<br />
I've been given many books and advice from those survivors and those who walked in the mud along side them, but often I wonder when I see no glimmer of bone and marrow, of "humanness" regarding such a horror as cancer. Often there is a shallowness in their words I cannot get a grip on. I just wonder how honest some of my surviving friends are being.<br />
<br />
One book given to me written by an artist with cancer held up her own greatness (disguised as a sacrificial work ethic and super humanity) by writing pages of details of her chemo misery only to showcase her marathon of painting commissions despite the sickness. Or covering up disappointment and anger with humor. Nothing wrong with humor, but twenty pages in, I threw the book in the toilet. Honesty IS such a lonely word..... We are all broken, we all struggle. This is the world we live in.
<br />
<br />
<br />
I live because the Lord gives me life and when I am afraid I remember one sleepless night last summer.<br />
<br />
"Lord, this cancer could kill me. I could die from this and soon."<br />
<br />
Jesus said clearly, "No one, nothing takes your life. You belong to me. Nothing touches a hair on your head unless I give permission. and in it, you will find Me your ever present Help and I will teach you to surrender." <br />
<br />
This is why I am alive. Because the Lord said 'live." It's the only reason you are, too. <br />
<br />
<br />
<i>I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages. :Spurgeon
</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2mouSc8xbxs/UBqudkMb3qI/AAAAAAAACGs/KQuMN_tpNU0/s1600/045.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2mouSc8xbxs/UBqudkMb3qI/AAAAAAAACGs/KQuMN_tpNU0/s320/045.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i> With Dad and Mom the day before surgery.</i></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-16486895730416170142012-07-01T16:56:00.001-04:002012-07-01T16:56:06.967-04:00Free Lance Star story.The newspaper did a story on on our journey last week.When you go to the story at the website link, under the photograph of
Tracey's incision click on "View More Images from this story" for all 5
images.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2012/062012/06232012/708542" target="_blank"> <i><span class="storyHeadline">Artist's cancer journey is spiritual journey, too.</span></i></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><span class="storyHeadline"> </span></i>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-26358042409283386872012-05-31T13:12:00.000-04:002012-05-31T13:30:18.723-04:00Dégradés de gris(I wrote this post about a week ago and then sat on it for quite awhile. I was uncertain about being so open, BUT I decided from the beginning of this journey to be as transparent as and honest as I can.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9CmfobCj_30/T7VDCtKHzVI/AAAAAAAACGU/II4gwpmKTi4/s1600/download4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9CmfobCj_30/T7VDCtKHzVI/AAAAAAAACGU/II4gwpmKTi4/s320/download4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I almost don't have to write anything. The photo above that Craig took of me on the train speaks a million words about the road I am on. Imagery is so very powerful to me and I am shocked by the volume of the image. <br />
<br />
These days seem to go by quickly, and we are very thankful for an MRI showing no tumor activity after two seizures. But I am beginning to search for a "normal." Every weighty thought rises to the surface each fighting to be first in line as my eyes open. And then inevitably close. I can go back to sleep and they disappear for awhile with no power to get me under the covers. With no power to tempt me to pull at the thread they dangle before me. <br />
<br />
I am now more easily overwhelmed, and struggle in a different way than in the crisis season of my diagnosis. It is difficult to tell which meds are causing which side effects. The most looming by far is depression. I feel like I should be better. Back in Black, so to speak. But in honesty I have little motivation for much of anything. Least of all painting. I am not sure why. I really am living one day at a time. This is my daily cry as the marathon continues.<br />
<br />
"<i>As the deer pants for the water brooks,<br /> So my soul pants for You, O God. </i><br />
<br />
<i>My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;<br /> When shall I come and appear before God? </i><br />
<br />
<i>My tears have been my food day and night,<br /> While </i><i>they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” </i><br />
<i></i><br />
<i></i><br />
<i></i><br />
<i></i><br />
<br />
<i>These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.<br /> For I used to go along with the throng </i><i>and lead them in procession to the house of God,<br /> With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival. </i><br />
<i></i><br />
<i></i><br />
<br />
<i>Why are you in despair, O my soul?<br /> And </i><i>why have you become disturbed within me?<br /> Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him </i><br />
<i> </i><i>For the help of His presence. </i><br />
<br />
<i>O my God, my soul is in despair within me;<br /> Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan<br /> And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. </i><br />
<br />
<i><span class="reftext"></span>Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;<br /> All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me. </i><br />
<br />
<i><span class="reftext"></span>The L<span class="smallcaps">ORD</span> will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;<br /> And His song will be with me in the night,<br /> A prayer to the God of my life. </i><br />
<br />
<i><span class="reftext"></span>I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?<br /> Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” </i><br />
<br />
<i><span class="reftext"></span>As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,<br /> While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” </i><br />
<br />
<i><span class="reftext"><b> </b></span>Why are you in despair, O my soul?<br /> And why have you become disturbed within me?<br /> Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,<br /> The help of my countenance and my God."</i><br />
<br />
<i>Psalm 42 </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<br />
<br />Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-19417875235543021932012-04-17T12:18:00.006-04:002012-04-17T13:52:24.820-04:00New Normal.There are actually some hours these days when I forget that I have stage 4 brain cancer. I am beginning to look like myself again. There was a time I didn't recognize me. My hair is all back and I have lost the "steroid ten." Very shortly it will be the one year out from a hot July day that changed our lives. I will say "had" cancer though there is no cure. But I have a Healer in Jesus and one way or the other I will be healed. I am finding the fear less present as I release my grip on what I falsely think is mine.<br /><br />I am seeking to conquer my anxiety around IV Avastin with <span style="font-style: italic;">gratitude</span>, and a sense of humor. I have a strict rule forbidding my mind to swim around in it's murky and treacherous side effect waters. Though each time I wonder if we'll get a good vein, I accept it. My veins are deteriorating but I still am not ready for a port. We have twenty four treatments total <span style="font-style: italic;">at least</span>. I am on nine this Friday, so the port option is in arms reach if so needed.<br /><br />Depression , my old friend, has crept up slowly over the last few months. I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I do have to feed and take out Big Puppy (Reuben's rap name) and often find myself crawling back to bed after making myself eat a bowl of cereal. I come from a family of doers, so at times I can feel rather useless and full of regret when the Lord finally gets me up at 10 or 11 in the morning. This is a matter of changing how I think and remembering I am not what I do or what I do not do. This is also a releasing and confessing that I often get my contentment out of how much I accomplished rather than from my relationship with God. You can imagine after eight months of battling brain cancer the accomplishment idol has created a lot of guilt and restlessness in me. I have to work hard at letting my eyes linger on the cross of Christ and allow Him to tell me who I am.<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ca4i1KcWBKk/T42lFqHG_7I/AAAAAAAACGM/_cLRRMSzzOI/s1600/539324_10151452539260597_863750596_23354949_1116870858_n.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ca4i1KcWBKk/T42lFqHG_7I/AAAAAAAACGM/_cLRRMSzzOI/s320/539324_10151452539260597_863750596_23354949_1116870858_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732419417334546354" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I started painting again, having sold everything. I am thankful, yet struggling in some ways that all the work that comprised the first of the New Mythology series are gone. Each of them is deeply embedded in my psyche....... those characters are still alive and eager to be made anew....<br />I began a series of portraits from the New Mythology War of Birds. Now if I can just wrestle through and get to the easel.<br /><br />Please ray with me and Craig for the work He has placed before us. For my struggle with depression and Avastin and for complete healing. <span style="font-weight: bold;">But above all pray that Christ would be glorified through all these and through us.<br /><br /></span><span>The May Schedule:<br /><br /></span><span>Official post-Gamma Knife MRI is May 3rd<br /><br /></span><span>Avastin May 4th<br /><br />D.C. <a href="http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/RFH-DC?team_id=50651&pg=team&fr_id=1810">Race for Hope</a> May 6th (you can still join our team...:)<br /><br />Back to Duke on May 8th<br /><br />We meet with my surgeon, </span><span>Dr Poffenbarger May 11th. </span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /></span><span>Avastin May 18</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. </span><p style="font-style: italic;"> He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.<br /></p><p style="font-style: italic;">For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him.<br /></p><p style="font-style: italic;">He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.<br /></p><p style="font-style: italic;">For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven."<br /></p><p style="font-style: italic;">Colossians 1<br /></p>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-8419422872724462062012-03-22T16:30:00.003-04:002012-03-22T16:41:41.389-04:00A Sunny Clearing<!--[endif]----><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:enableopentypekerning/> <w:dontflipmirrorindents/> <w:overridetablestylehps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathpr> <m:mathfont val="Cambria Math"> <m:brkbin val="before"> <m:brkbinsub val="--"> <m:smallfrac val="off"> <m:dispdef/> <m:lmargin val="0"> <m:rmargin val="0"> <m:defjc val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent val="1440"> <m:intlim val="subSup"> <m:narylim val="undOvr"> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" defunhidewhenused="true" defsemihidden="true" defqformat="false" defpriority="99" latentstylecount="267"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="0" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Normal"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="heading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 7"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 8"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 9"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 7"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 8"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 9"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="35" qformat="true" name="caption"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="10" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" name="Default Paragraph Font"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="11" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtitle"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="22" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Strong"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="20" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="59" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Table Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Placeholder Text"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="No Spacing"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Revision"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="34" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="List Paragraph"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="29" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Quote"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="30" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Quote"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="19" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">We are eight months into this journey of bitter<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>sweetness. At t<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">imes</span>, it seems like we have been moving down this varied terrain for much longer. From the mysterious<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>deep and treacherous wilderness, into the valley of the shadow of death and on through the exhausting dry and windswept desert.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Our MRI results from last week shows a beautiful picture of “nothing new” and a slow choking out of the small recurrence after Gamma Knife.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A great sigh of relief sent us rolling up I-85 towards <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>home on a sunny<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kROlhnaYom0"> “Tuesday Afternoon.”</a> <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Looking out the window I thought of the song. Somehow the words and multi-colored melody exemplified how I was feeling……<br /></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">“Tuesday afternoon,<br />I'm just beginning to see, now I'm on my way<br />It doesn't matter to me, chasing the clouds away.<br />Something, calls to me,<br />The trees are drawing me near, I've got to find out why?<br />Those gentle voices I hear, explain it all with a sigh.<br />I'm looking at myself reflections of my mind,<br />It's just the kind of day to leave myself behind…</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Passing by at 60 mph I I see the sun reflecting in an explosion of a<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>million shades and hues of wood<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>and<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>leaves….of shade and light. Like sentinels they pass by in a steady stream creating in me a sense of expectation and mysterious longing I cannot quite scratch the surface of. Then…..every random once in a while the woods thins out revealing an open field drenched in sunshine. At this time, we have now come out into the bright clearing. For a time. No one stays in the open bright clearing on this terra firma. But for now, the Lord has brought us here, where He sees fit by His wisdom. We are grateful to rest for the time allotted here. Though we have fought at times to be grateful <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>and fearless in the wilderness and in the lonely desert I am confident that He is at work His incomparable glory and for our the good and the good of those who walk with us. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">“The LORD is righteous in all His ways<br />And kind in all His deeds.<br />The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,<br />To all who call upon Him in truth.<br />He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;<br />He will also hear their cry and will save them.<br />The LORD keeps all who love Him,<br />But all the wicked He will destroy.<br />My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD,<br />And all flesh will bless His holy name forever and ever…”</i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Psalm 145</i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p><br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RM_QM48Hdjo/T2uORKZnUWI/AAAAAAAACF0/Mff7QHrWh5U/s1600/313122.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RM_QM48Hdjo/T2uORKZnUWI/AAAAAAAACF0/Mff7QHrWh5U/s320/313122.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5722824177005056354" border="0" /></a><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> -->Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-78721069093269817312012-03-05T13:58:00.006-05:002012-03-07T12:20:11.988-05:00God's CountryWe are at six weeks out from Gamma Knife (or "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Cyber</span> Knife".....that sounds cooler.) and I have an MRI this Thursday the 8<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> at Mary Washington. I have had a few friends also battling <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">GBM</span> who haven't had great news recently, so I am eager to take a look inside. I continue every other Friday IV <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Avastin</span> and daily <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Temodar</span> until it no longer works or we reach the 18 month mark in the clear. We then enter into "no man's land" or a sort of uncharted territory for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">GBM</span>. Either way, it's God's country.<br /><br />So a little blue today and a bit nervous about the next week. I find myself wanting to hide beneath the covers and take my mind off of it all by sleeping. I tend to be a deep thinker and an over thinker. And, well, there are some serious possibilities. Yet the bottom line is it is out of my control and completely in the Lord's hands. May He do what is best according to His perfect will and for His own glory. I am battling to live there today or at least visit and am relieved to know that when I become overwhelmed and crawl into bed, He is there.<br /><br />So pray with us for a clean scan and for God's leading as we walk this thing out with Him and all of you.<br /><br />Also pray for my fellow <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">comrade</span> in the fight, Rachel. She has had a rough few weeks. First a grand <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">mal</span> seizure and a discouraging MRI. She is currently undergoing a brutal confrontation with chemo.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O LORD.Lord, hear my voice: let thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications...." </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Psalm 140</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">“Behold, all those who are angered at you will be shamed and dishonored; Those who contend with you will be as nothing and will perish. </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">“You will seek those who quarrel with you, but will not find them, Those who war with you will be as nothing and non-existent. </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><p style="font-style: italic;">“For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’ </p><p style="font-style: italic;">Isaiah 41<br /></p><br style="font-style: italic;">Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-59833427364847461932012-03-02T14:08:00.004-05:002012-03-02T14:53:14.469-05:00Race for Hope 5KCraig and I along with friends are running the <a href="http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/PageServer?pagename=RFH_DC_Homepage">Race for Hope 5K </a>in May here in D.C. If you'd like to donate or run/walk with our team, go to my page <a href="http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/RFH-DC?team_id=50651&pg=team&fr_id=1810">here</a><a href="http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/RFH-DC?team_id=50651&pg=team&fr_id=1810">.</a><br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UwQG-JvMVMY/T1Ec0HS-y9I/AAAAAAAACFc/fJcVTAorICI/s1600/2011_RFH_DC_homepage_photo_1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 155px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UwQG-JvMVMY/T1Ec0HS-y9I/AAAAAAAACFc/fJcVTAorICI/s320/2011_RFH_DC_homepage_photo_1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5715381083747306450" border="0" /></a>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-84833825175614705712012-02-18T12:06:00.004-05:002012-02-18T12:10:06.217-05:00WaitingIt has been a few weeks since the Gamma Knife so we are just in a waiting period until the next MRI. That will be in a few weeks before we go back to Duke.<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X4jX4FQe9y0/Tz_awckCuRI/AAAAAAAACFQ/JQO_ssiotyw/s1600/11712.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 284px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X4jX4FQe9y0/Tz_awckCuRI/AAAAAAAACFQ/JQO_ssiotyw/s320/11712.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5710523378365020434" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I have felt ok, but have a cold at the moment. Major life stressor + scary drugs + cold = eggshell moments for me as far as my thoughts and feelings are concerned. I have been laying in bed dwelling on NOT painting and chewing on the place I find myself in these days. It can taste bitter. Everything has changed. I have questioned God's call on my life and wandered into some dark corners lately. It has been seven months since my trip to the ER. When it gets pitch black I wonder if I will be here this time next year. But we could all ask that and should be mindful of that possibility.<br /><br />I know God is working something in and around me through brain cancer. I see it in glimpses. Waiting to see what it is in fullness or what the outcome will be requires surrender. Sometimes we never know the why. In difficulty we have to let go of expectations for our lives, of ourselves and of others. All we have is Our Maker. The Lord Himself. Though it is so antithetical to our own nature, and of course our culture, it is in losing what we thought was so vital that we are released enough to accept God's will as perfect. It is how He designed us.<br /><br />Listen, my friends, whatever that thing you are afraid of, the thing that has plagued you your whole life, the thing you are certain you could never endure, God already knows. He sees what's coming down the pipe and into your life. Jesus will already be there waiting. That has been my experience through this. He is faithful. Without exception and at all times.<br /><br />Love you all......more than you know.<br /><br />(For those of you beautiful people who don't know anything about Jesus or are unsure find out who He is. Don't let your bad church experiences or personal opinions keep you from doing the good work of seeking and knocking. Email me if you want to hash it out. I don't have all the answers but I'll walk with you.....tracey@traceyclarke.com)<br /><br /><i>"The LORD is my light and my salvation—<br />whom shall I fear?<br />The LORD is the stronghold of my life—<br />of whom shall I be afraid?"</i>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-19812625431589516832012-02-01T14:42:00.010-05:002012-02-01T16:12:18.869-05:00Gamma Knife Day with JesusA week ago today we traveled over the UVA for the Gamma Knife surgery. I've been laying low and feeling low since then. Or maybe up and down is more accurate. In some ways I think the gamma knife was harder than the craniotomy I had back in August even though this was non invasive.<br /><br />What was supposed to take 4 or 5 hours took 9.<br /><br /><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qgwtazip7vk/TymaHEy7pHI/AAAAAAAACE0/Qsyy3lubQ5Q/s320/125125.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5704259849378571378" border="0" /><br /><br />Everyone knows the first thing you do when you prepare for surgery is put on nothing but a paper gown, sit in a freezing cold room and wait. At least they let me keep my hat on!<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YcW_bBqRNOA/TymXmU6niWI/AAAAAAAACEU/02a-q9SKfiY/s1600/125124.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 239px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YcW_bBqRNOA/TymXmU6niWI/AAAAAAAACEU/02a-q9SKfiY/s320/125124.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5704257087746836834" border="0" /></a><br /><br />First I was sedated and the stereo tactic frame was screwed on around 10 a.m. Thus far, I am fine, my head good and numbed up.<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CN0bk_MzmMg/TymYS-_agDI/AAAAAAAACEg/vw4fsc8SQgw/s1600/125122.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 239px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CN0bk_MzmMg/TymYS-_agDI/AAAAAAAACEg/vw4fsc8SQgw/s320/125122.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5704257854955487282" border="0" /></a><br /><br />The Gamma Knife team came in and took measurements of my head to work out my treatment plan. Things seemed to be moving along. Plus, Craig is entertaining.....no problem.<br /><br />I was then wheeled up to MRI around 12:15 where I proceeded to sit for another two hours. At this point the local anesthesia of my scalp is beginning to wear off and my catheter blew and had to be removed. I had the pleasure of being stuck four times that day.<br /><br />I am finally put into the MRI machine a little after two and then taken to the Gamma Knife waiting area. I finally went into the Gamma Knife at around 4 p.m.<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KrOO7jidjtM/TymaG8KVtFI/AAAAAAAACEs/yMM02oDh-ng/s1600/125123.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 239px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KrOO7jidjtM/TymaG8KVtFI/AAAAAAAACEs/yMM02oDh-ng/s320/125123.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5704259847060829266" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Then the frame was removed. By that time I had already been given three Vicoden but when they took that frame off.....I had THE worst headache of my life. One of the pin sites was squirting blood everywhere....it was quite a show. Dr Poffenbarger, the surgical wizard that he is, put a stitch in that in less than 10 seconds. Amazing.<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ptVF0AGD9kw/Tymc20cTIGI/AAAAAAAACFE/vAwT7pf4-mE/s1600/125123%2B%25282%2529.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 239px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ptVF0AGD9kw/Tymc20cTIGI/AAAAAAAACFE/vAwT7pf4-mE/s320/125123%2B%25282%2529.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5704262868645650530" border="0" /></a><br /><br />So back up to finally eat after 24 hours and wait to be released. We are so happy because it is over. See how happy we are? This photo was taken at about 5:30 p.m.<br /><br />Ok, so I say all this not only to give you the rundown with neat photos, but to tell you that the Lord Jesus was most faithful in the midst of this trying day.<br /><br />First, my MRI I had that day showed the tumor has<span style="font-style: italic;"> shrunk from 10mm to 6 mm.</span> All my fears about Avastin (of which there are many), the tumor starving drug, as real as they are, must submit to what we have asked of God: <span style="font-style: italic;">to lead us down the right treatment path to kill GBM.</span> That drug is a powerful drug in the hands of an even greater more powerful God. Each time I am tempted to run over in my mind the list of scary side effects, I must choose to return to what we asked of God and believe He is doing: running the show. Jesus is walking with us, going into the MRI machine and the Gamma Knife with me. Feeling how I feel getting poked over and over.<br /><br />I was feeling pretty low sitting on that stretcher waiting for the MRI for two hours. Cornered, waiting, with some heavy ridiculous contraption on my head. He is good to force me into places which I cannot run from and have no other to run to. These tight spaces reveal what I am really putting my hope in. They are the pits of refinement by fire and how He brings forth the pure gold. Humility, empathy....truth in the inward woman. He knows how best to build those things in us. Does it hurt? Yep. Is it fun? <span style="font-style: italic;">Heck no.</span> But on the other side is the the fruit of righteousness. You can count on it.<br /><br />The pain in your life, whatever it is or wherever it is from, either the consequences of your own choices, the choices of others or those of a fallen, dying world, is an opportunity for God to show Himself great for His glory, your good and the good of those around you. All you have to do is cry out to Him.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"MY DAUGHTER, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD, </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM; </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, </span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">AND HE SCOURGES EVERY DAUGHTER WHOM HE RECEIVES.” </span><p style="font-style: italic;"> It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed."</p><p style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Hebrews 12</span><br /></p>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-13905956054211687492012-01-23T11:37:00.010-05:002012-01-23T15:38:55.730-05:00Mind over MordorSo I feel like crap today. I said it, I mean it. Since my last post we have just been waiting until Gamma Knife day. We leave for UVA in the morning. I have two rounds of Avastin in my system and started daily Temodar a week ago. I am wondering which of these delightful concoctions is causing me to feel especially bad over the last few days. It is probably the combination of all of it including the rebound inflammation that makes me feel like I was hit by a truck. So, I wrestle on.<br /><br />The key is to pay close attention to my thoughts. Every body sensation can send the mind down the long and winding road. For instance, I have a headache today. I had a headache when I had my seizure back in July. See how I could freak out? I feel extra tired with no reason to be. My WBC was a bit low last blood work. Is the Temodar destroying my blood? Again, there is a choice to be made. I can't paint, so I feel useless. See where this could take me? To Mordor basically.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yMiuYkDttig/Tx2TY2EMPiI/AAAAAAAACEE/Fa6MRMGLvRI/s1600/enhanced-buzz-15004-1271716571-108.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 210px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yMiuYkDttig/Tx2TY2EMPiI/AAAAAAAACEE/Fa6MRMGLvRI/s320/enhanced-buzz-15004-1271716571-108.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700874758360153634" border="0" /></a><br /><br />But one does not simply walk into Mordor, but one can think her way in easily. Most easily when she feels like crap. You don't even need Gollum.<br /><br /><br />"And do not be conformed to this world, (...which has taught us it is all about us....thank you Enlightenment) but be transformed by the <span style="font-style: italic;">renewing of your mind</span>, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.<br /><br />Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle <i>spirit</i> be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."<br />Romans 12<br /><br />"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Phil 4<br /><br />The battle is on the mind and it all boils down to this: Who do you think God is and what is He like? Jesus is constantly pushing the tension with me at this place in my life. "Do you trust me or not?" And I make that choice to believe what He says about Himself not to get relief because sometimes I don't, or get points (that is religion and I am already accepted completely because of His death and resurrection.) I choose to trust who He says He is so I can <span style="font-style: italic;">walk in </span><span style="font-style: italic;">reality</span> by acknowledging His sovereignty, His perfect will and His choices for me as His daughter. I choose to trust Him because I love Him.<br /><br />I acknowledge His<span style="font-weight: bold;"> rightful ownership</span> over all things....including my body. <span style="font-style: italic;">I choose Him.</span><br /><br /><span class="messageBody" ft="{"type":3}"><span style="font-size:100%;">"C</span><span style="font-size:100%;">hrist's Cross+Romans 8:28+God's sovereignty = "Every single thing that happens to us expresses God's love for us." JI Packer<br /><br />I am always open to talking about what I post so feel free....and pray for my surgery Wednesday.<br /><br />Grateful to each of you who has pushed on with me without ceasing.....<br /><a href="http://uvahealth.com/services/gamma-knife/?gclid=CJHbrurf5q0CFUgRNAodhWpS6A"><br />Gamma Knife video</a><br /></span></span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-51744799160238535632012-01-06T11:27:00.001-05:002012-01-06T11:28:42.850-05:00Gamma Knife VideoI will be having the remarkable Gamma Knife surgery on January 25th. Here is a video of<br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL91o7dXRnw">how it works</a>.Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-76150363300397705392012-01-05T13:31:00.007-05:002012-01-05T14:27:28.282-05:00Pressing UpwardI have been thinking lately how my life seems to be nothing more than a schedule of next medications, doctors and procedures. It seems every aspect and corner of my life has changed from the trajectory of my days to coming and going relationships. Some of these have been quite painful. No. Actually all of it has been painful, both physically and emotionally. But there are seasons for all things. I fully believe that now. Learning to let go is one of the most difficult things we will ever do whether it is something physical or relational.<br /><br />One of the issues I am dealing with now is rebound inflammation. This is an unfortunate result of long term use of steroids. In short, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Decadron</span> suppresses the metabolism of omega fats and once discontinued the body is hit with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">unmetabolized</span> fats that result in inflammation. So I have very bad joint and muscle pain. You could say I am like an arthritic. Some days are worse than others. The key is to focus on the truth of God's promises regardless of what things appear to be. When I am in that funk, not wanting to get out of bed or feeling afraid of the new IV drug I am taking, or when I begin to wonder how things will go for me, I must discipline my mind. Sometimes it takes me a few hours to get there, sometimes a few days. Let me tell you, this is much, much more difficult than disciplining the body. No contest. A friend said to me recently, "The battle for your body is only minor compared to the battle for your confidence in Jesus." So when all appears dark, the light of Christ and who He is"......<span style="font-weight: bold;">Word.</span> Any hope or confidence I put in what I see is a wasted hope, a worthless confidence since every thing we see will be gone someday. You will die, that flat screen you got for Christmas will end up in a landfill. So what are you hoping in? My body is already failing me. At 42, in the best shape and health of my life, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Glioblastoma</span> shows up. If I survive this journey, there will be something else down the road. My point is new pain, new potentially risky drugs.....I must learn to focus on the bigger design...the giant purpose written by God. If not I won't make it. I'll cave in under the weight of these physical and relational struggles.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uNHqUQ65kCU/TwX5XnGriTI/AAAAAAAACD4/zBBeKdZnLQA/s1600/securedownload2.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uNHqUQ65kCU/TwX5XnGriTI/AAAAAAAACD4/zBBeKdZnLQA/s320/securedownload2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694231487909169458" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />Craig does a better job with details so here is the report on our <a href="http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/traceyclarke/journal">trip to Duke last week</a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"...we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. </span><sup style="font-style: italic;" class="versenum" id="en-NASB-28877">17</sup><span style="font-style: italic;"> For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, </span><sup style="font-style: italic;" class="versenum" id="en-NASB-28878">18</sup><span style="font-style: italic;"> while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">2 Corinthians 4</span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-13339437501403301042011-12-21T11:59:00.003-05:002011-12-21T12:07:05.142-05:00December's MRI ResultsIn the middle of round three of high dose chemo. So far, so good.<br /><br />Here is Craig's most recent post from the CaringBridge Blog.<br /><br />"Unfortunately, we did not receive the news we wanted regarding Tracey's latest MRI. There is recurrent tumor growth. A new tumor has formed. You can click the photograph to the left to see it. The new tumor is rather small, about 9mm. It is just above the spot where the original tumors originated, which is now a cavity as they were completely resected on 1 August. You will note how small the new tumor is at this point as compared the original occurrence. <p>This is a very strong kick to the gut. Making it an even stronger kick to the gut is the location where this tumor is emerging. It is directly on the motor strip that controls Tracey's movement on the left side of the her body; her arms, legs, etc. Going after it with a scalpel could be dangerous and cause damage to motor skills. Tracey is left handed and as you know an artist.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6BDANKF5SPI/TvIRae724TI/AAAAAAAACDs/4ry-jW69d20/s1600/newtumor1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 204px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6BDANKF5SPI/TvIRae724TI/AAAAAAAACDs/4ry-jW69d20/s320/newtumor1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5688628426000752946" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />So, what is next? This is where the power of the Duke Brain Tumor Center comes in to play in a huge way. There is are several strong and promising options on the table to eliminate this tumor, including having radiosurgery with a gamma knife (a non-invasive super powerful radiation that zaps the tumor) to new drug treatments or even innovative vaccines that Duke is developing. The next step could a combination of several of these options.</p><p>We are going to Duke next week right after Christmas. Please pray that the Lord would provide wisdom and guidance to our doctors in Durham. </p><p>Understanding the highly aggressive nature of glioblastoma, we knew that recurrence was virtually assured. Every long-term survivor we have met has battled at least one if not more cases of recurrence. We knew this coming, we were just hoping it would have been a little further down the road.</p><p>The next immediate course of action is chemotherapy that begins tonight. It will last for five days. Please pray that the chemotherapy is highly effective in not allowing this new tumor to grow any further. Please also pray that Tracey's nausea will be much lower than the last round. We have some new anti-nausea meds that we are hoping will be effective.</p><p>So, we have a strong and aggressive plan in front of us, chemotherapy this week followed by a trip to Duke to plan the next course of action to eliminate this recurrence. We so very thankful that this was found very early and at a point where Tracey is showing no symptoms of even having a new tumor. And we so very thankful that the Lord has provided us the top experts in the world on brain tumors to be on our medical team."</p><p>We are meditating on this promise from Isaiah 43:</p><p><span style="font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:100%;"><em>Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;<br />I have summoned you by name; you are mine.<br />When you pass through the waters,<br />I will be with you;<br />and when you pass through the rivers,<br />they will not sweep over you.<br />When you walk through the fire,<br />you will not be burned;<br />the flames will not set you ablaze.<br />For I am the LORD your God,<br />the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.</em></span></p>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-18169554965931276542011-12-05T11:34:00.004-05:002011-12-05T12:09:43.031-05:00Waiting......<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vUI4M02_Mts/Ttz2Xi2OdZI/AAAAAAAACDg/3WoPkY0EFjY/s1600/12211.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 292px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vUI4M02_Mts/Ttz2Xi2OdZI/AAAAAAAACDg/3WoPkY0EFjY/s320/12211.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682687714186392978" border="0" /></a><br />Me and Craig going on a date......<br /><br />Since my last post Thanksgiving and round two of high dose chemo has occurred. The second round has very difficult and I was sick for about six days. I have to be honest and say it was a dark week for me. I wonder how I can do this for another 10 or more months. My post <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">HDC</span> visit to my oncologist has armed me with several new anti nausea <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">meds</span> to try on the next cycle. I am glad to have them available in part and in part hate to have to take more <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">meds</span>. I suppose I have a decision to make before December 19<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th</span>, round three. My appetite continues to be spotty as does my energy.<br /><br />So many of you have stuck in there with me all along this journey. You have not once missed an opportunity to encourage me with prayer, words or even hitting the "like" button on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Facebook</span>. I feel less lonely in this because of you all. Even when I am too sick or tired to reciprocate, many of you continue to suffer long with me. I cannot thank you enough. Hang in there with me. You mean more and are helping me more than you can know.<br /><br />When will I paint again? It is the question everyone asks. I feel as though I am wandering around trying to get a grip at the moment, still processing the last four months and getting accustomed to a new "normal." I have sold several large paintings in the last few weeks, so as they fly out the door, I am at least beginning to think about getting back to it. Do I even remember how to paint?...<br /><br />Next MRI December 16<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">th</span>, trip to Duke December 19<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">th</span>...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Do you not know? Have you not heard? </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And to </span><i style="font-style: italic;">him who</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Will gain new strength; They will mount up </span><i style="font-style: italic;">with</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> wings like eagles, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Isaiah 40</span><br /><br />I am counting on Him.Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-49261259660805902342011-11-17T13:49:00.000-05:002011-11-17T12:39:40.439-05:00WaitingA few weeks a go I was on a support site for people who have or have had brain tumors. Someone posted that they felt like they did well through the diagnosis, surgery, and radiation, but really fell apart after the initial tornado passed through. For almost all of us, this beginning time moves quickly. There is a lot going on and a lot of people around for the initial crisis. In my case there were only eleven weeks from the ER to the end of radiation. Now it is waiting between <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">MRIs</span> and managing pain and medication, which can be beasts.<br /><br />I really resonated with this person's question because I have felt very much that way in the last month or so. Being a person who has struggled with depression as long as I can remember, I find it visiting me in full force now with all its tentacles. The old familiar patterns of loneliness, fatigue, apathy and caving in are upon me. If you know, then you know. It is much like laying under a huge pile of clothes on the bed and they are so heavy, you cannot budge being forced to wrestle with body, mind and God. This is not always a bad place to be albeit painful. I am hoping in and waiting for God to bring about something beautiful.<br /><br />The Lord will bring up the same scripture multiple times in a few days to get my attention. This has been very pronounced since my diagnosis. This is the most recent:<br /><br /><span class="style1"><span class="style3"></span></span><span style="font-style: italic;">"Trust in the LORD with all your heart </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And do not lean on your own understanding. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">In all your ways acknowledge Him, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And He will make your paths straight."</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Proverbs 3:5-6</span><br /><br /><br />Here is a link to the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Art-Show-to-Benefit-Tracey-Clarke/169446626469684">Art Benefit</a> on November 5<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> my community, friends and family put together to help us with my medical expenses. Craig and I are so grateful and completely overwhelmed......Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-38411535370425161702011-11-08T13:56:00.003-05:002011-11-08T14:00:15.797-05:00Breland<span>Rachel has the same diagnosis as I do. Her blog is: "Breland: My journey to kick Glioblastoma Multiforme tumor's ass."<br /><br />She has a <a href="http://rebreland.blogspot.com/2011/10/1072011_3501.html">video of radiation</a> that is much better than mine, cos' she is much cooler than I am.<br /><br /><br /></span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-8532324084656051492011-11-08T11:28:00.005-05:002011-11-08T11:56:45.944-05:00Temodar, the Villan.....<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pJ-aj-TvctQ/TrleouDRgZI/AAAAAAAACCk/WfuipI6kuuA/s1600/101911.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pJ-aj-TvctQ/TrleouDRgZI/AAAAAAAACCk/WfuipI6kuuA/s320/101911.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5672669259299389842" border="0" /></a><br /><br />So, I made it through the first round of high dose <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Temodar</span>. I came out relatively unscathed. Most of the battle with taking chemo, essentially a poison, is mental. I think I had my defiant crying jag the first night. "I'm just not going to take that crap! I don't want to put <span style="font-style: italic;">{explicative</span>} poison in my body!"<br />My wise husband quietly replied, "Well, you can take it or die. So, you are going to take it." He was right. Actually, now that I think of it, almost all of this is mental.<br /><br />I am limited, extremely limited, in my ability to comprehend the complexities of life and how to live it. I lie to myself. We all do. I try to figure out things by my own distorted reasoning. Yes, the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Temodar</span> is doing damage, but it is also destroying the very enemy that sent me to the ER in July.<br />I have to ask myself moment by moment in this brain cancer if I trust God more than I trust myself. Sometimes I fail like the first night of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">HDC</span>. Or when I start to get a headache, or think too much on my last MRI. When I look at how drastically different and limited my life is today than just a few months ago. He is who He says He is and He does not change. And because I am His in Christ Jesus I absolutely believe He causes ALL things to work together for good for those who love Him and are CALLED according to <span style="font-style: italic;">His</span> purpose. When I think on the times I have grown and changed it has always, always been through adversity and pain. Most people can claim this truth in their lives, as well. From the beginning I knew this path was chosen for me and for Craig.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">in hope </span><span style="font-style: italic;">that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for </span><i style="font-style: italic;">our</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he </span><i style="font-style: italic;">already</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> sees? </span><span style="font-style: italic;">But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." Romans 8:18-25</span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-47804464616386120272011-10-26T14:21:00.004-04:002011-10-26T14:42:39.756-04:00Duke Brain Tumor Center<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l3cFWeAbKTU/TqhUU_9s-tI/AAAAAAAACBQ/p57U04_S7-g/s1600/1015112.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l3cFWeAbKTU/TqhUU_9s-tI/AAAAAAAACBQ/p57U04_S7-g/s320/1015112.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667872850790120146" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />This will be mostly an informational post. My neck and shoulders are really acting up and I have to be careful about lingering on the laptop.<br /><br />We spent the last two days at Duke meeting with new team members. We came away with a lot of new information and much to consider. The MRI I had last week shows a lot of blood in the tumor cavity due to having my brain cut and radiated. So, we are still on the mend twelve weeks out from the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">craniotomy</span> and three out from radiation. The plan is to return to the center late December with a new MRI to see what changes have <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">occurred</span> in the cavity and also with the 2mm area of concern. Then we will know if there will be added medication, etc.<br /><br />I begin high dose chemotherapy tonight. This will be five days out of every month for at least the next 12 months. I have a fair amount of dislike for this part of the road. It is hard to say how my body will handle the drug in high dose. And the knowledge that while it is destroying an aggressive cancer it is very hard on bone marrow. And it does tend to cause nausea so I will be taking anti-nausea <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">meds</span> before each dose. Talk about surrender. So, today I have spent most of my time resting, praying and chewing on our two days at Duke. It is a lot to digest.<br /><br />Camping out in Romans 8. Through the Holy Spirit and several others I continue to get pointed to that chapter again and again over the last few weeks. It is a massive chapter. I could camp there for a year and still not mine the riches there.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Romans 8</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">For the law of the Spirit of life </span><span style="font-style: italic;">in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. </span><span style="font-style: italic;"> For what the Law could not do, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">weak as it was through the flesh, God </span><i style="font-style: italic;">did</i><span style="font-style: italic;">: sending His own Son in the likeness of </span><span style="font-style: italic;">sinful flesh and </span><i style="font-style: italic;">as an offering</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, </span><span style="font-style: italic;"> because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able </span><i style="font-style: italic;">to do so</i><span style="font-style: italic;">, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. </span><p style="font-style: italic;"> However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. </p><p style="font-style: italic;"> So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh— for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NASB-28131">14</sup> For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. </p><p style="font-style: italic;"> For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. </p><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;">In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for </span><i style="font-style: italic;">us</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">groanings</span> too deep for words; </span><span style="font-style: italic;"> and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the </span><span style="font-style: italic;">saints according to </span><i style="font-style: italic;">the will of</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> God. </span><p style="font-style: italic;"> And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified. </p><p style="font-style: italic;"> What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, </p><p style="font-style: italic;"> <span style="font-size:85%;">“FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;<br />WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.” </span></p><p style="font-style: italic;"> But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." </p><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mAhlhi5Y5lQ/TqhT9wp82zI/AAAAAAAACBE/q_JKlejBpIg/s1600/1015113.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mAhlhi5Y5lQ/TqhT9wp82zI/AAAAAAAACBE/q_JKlejBpIg/s320/1015113.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667872451543751474" border="0" /></a><br />"Elmo's Diner" Durham, NC.Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-73466908258591353992011-10-21T12:36:00.005-04:002011-10-26T14:48:48.610-04:00MRI<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GVLASUxftMc/TqGhWY1rsjI/AAAAAAAACAo/AzfCZbOZa2s/s1600/102111.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GVLASUxftMc/TqGhWY1rsjI/AAAAAAAACAo/AzfCZbOZa2s/s320/102111.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5665987212205601330" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Waiting room.........<br />On Wednesday I had my two week post radiation MRI with profusion. I have had the opportunity over the last three months to make the acquaintance of several MRI machines This one was by far the noisiest. I am grateful every time I have some form of medical treatment and that I can have it in this country, but honestly I thought, "Well, if I don't have a brain tumor now, I will by the time they take me out of this tube."<br /><br />This morning we sat down with my oncologist, Dr <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Menachery</span>. There is a new 2 mm area of concern on the scan close to the tumor cavity. As well there is a small area on the perimeter of the tumor cavity that may be dead cells or swelling. We will have another MRI early December to see what changes occur if any and then meet with my surgeon, Dr <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Poffenbarger</span>.<br />I begin high dose oral chemo the end of October. This is what he calls, "gut check time." I hope I have enough guts.<br /><br />I have tried to be as transparent as I can with my posts. These few weeks after radiation have been difficult. I have had some dark days. I think because everything moved so quickly from ER, to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">craniotomy</span>, to radiation I didn't have much time to process everything. I have had a lot of time sit in this and to pray, cry and even rejoice. It seems as though I have experienced every emotion known to man, even some I couldn't possibly describe. Some days I had severe headaches or fatigue....and "hello darkness, my old friend." I can't say today's results were encouraging.<br /><br />This is hard for many to understand. Yet, once again, in His infinite wisdom and mercy God is pressing in on me even more. Though it is painful at times, I am learning to look more and more at what is eternal and learning to lean less and less on a dying body. Yours is dying, too, by the way. Just give it time. We are all terminal. My body is not reliable nor is it forever. Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is who He says He is. Every day I become more confident of this as my fingers are mercifully pried off of what does not fulfill. My self sufficiency, self reliance, hyper independence...excellent health...everything the entire world values, has been stripped away. If that gives me more of Jesus, than so be it.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">2 Corinthians 12<br />".....to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh... </span><span style="font-style: italic;" class="reftext"></span><span style="font-style: italic;">Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. </span><span style="font-style: italic;" class="reftext"></span><span style="font-style: italic;">And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. </span><span style="font-style: italic;" class="reftext"></span><span style="font-style: italic;">Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."</span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-37066901714913479802011-10-13T08:49:00.002-04:002011-10-13T08:50:16.406-04:00Waiting and Healing<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b09v4ggOUv4/TpbeZXQZvxI/AAAAAAAACAc/Hap8JG2aZqM/s1600/101011.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b09v4ggOUv4/TpbeZXQZvxI/AAAAAAAACAc/Hap8JG2aZqM/s320/101011.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5662958108785884946" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I am not sure where I am in my head these days. Now that radiation is complete, I suppose we are is a waiting and healing phase now. I have had a few bad days mostly from tapering slowly off of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">decadron</span>. Sleep does seem to be coming a bit easier and lasting a little longer, though, so I am grateful for that change. I have been able to get back to basic working out which is made rather <span style="font-style: italic;">interesting </span>by seizure <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">meds</span>.<br /><br />So here is the battle plan:<br /><br />I have an MRI with profusion Wednesday October 19<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">th</span>.<br />Friday October 21 we meet with the oncologist to set the plan for high dose chemo starting in November for at least 18 months.<br />Then off to Duke Brain Tumor Center Oct 23-25 to be assessed for new treatments like gene therapy and promising drugs.<br />Another MRI early December and follow up <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">appointment</span> with the Dr <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Poffenbarger</span>, my surgeon....<br />Then we go on to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">MRIs</span> every three months.<br />If I get to the 18 month make without <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">recurrence</span>....well, that is a big deal.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Psalm 46</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">God is our refuge and strength, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">A very present help in trouble. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Though its waters roar </span><i style="font-style: italic;">and</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> foam, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><i style="font-style: italic;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Selah</span>.</i><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><p style="font-style: italic;">There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,<br />The holy dwelling places of the Most High.<br />God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;<br />God will help her when morning dawns.<br />The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;<br />He raised His voice, the earth melted.<br />The LORD of hosts is with us;<br />The God of Jacob is our stronghold.<br /> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Selah</span>.<br /></p><span style="font-style: italic;"> Come, behold the works of the LORD, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who has wrought <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">desolations</span> in the earth. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">He burns the chariots with fire. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> “Cease </span><i style="font-style: italic;">striving</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> and know that I am God; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The LORD of hosts is with us; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The God of Jacob is our stronghold. </span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-40926876835864564862011-10-05T17:45:00.006-04:002011-10-06T06:49:36.548-04:00Day Thirty<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_c3OnUzqu1s" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" width="420"></iframe><br /><br />Six weeks, thirty sessions of radiation are complete. Jesus told me that He was on that table with me every time experiencing every moment with me. Faithful.<br /><span class="style1"><span class="style3"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br />Psalm 30:1-4</span><br /><br /></span></span><span class="style1"><span class="style3"><span style="font-style: italic;">I will extol You, O L</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:-1;" >ORD</span><span style="font-style: italic;">, for You have lifted me up,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.</span><br /></span></span><br /><span class="style1"><span class="style3"><span style="font-style: italic;">O L</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:-1;" >ORD</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> my God,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> I cried to You for help, and You healed me.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">O L</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:-1;" >ORD</span><span style="font-style: italic;">, You have brought up my soul from Sheol;</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sing praise to the L</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:-1;" >ORD</span><span style="font-style: italic;">, you His godly ones,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> And give thanks to His holy name.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span></span></span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-913537740107047552011-09-29T12:17:00.003-04:002011-09-29T12:29:26.697-04:00Days Twenty Five and Twenty Six.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F1oeUYQZjMg/ToSaUQCA2ZI/AAAAAAAACAI/8EalsOIfV0I/s1600/92911.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F1oeUYQZjMg/ToSaUQCA2ZI/AAAAAAAACAI/8EalsOIfV0I/s320/92911.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5657816704575658386" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I feel like we are rolling along now in a daily routine. Mostly I am in and out of the treatment area within fifteen minutes. We are slowly narrowing in on the middle of the tumor cavity. Four more to go.<br /><br />I focus on praising the Lord while I am on the machine, now.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Bless the LORD, O my soul, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And all that is within me, </span><i style="font-style: italic;">bless</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> His holy name. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Bless the LORD, O my soul, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">And forget none of His benefits; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who pardons all your iniquities, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Who heals all your diseases; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who redeems your life from the pit, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who satisfies your </span><span style="font-style: italic;">years with good things, </span><i style="font-style: italic;">so that</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> your youth is renewed like the eagle. </span><p style="font-style: italic;"> The LORD performs righteous deeds<br />And judgments for all who are oppressed.<br />He made known His ways to Moses,<br />His acts to the sons of Israel.<br />The LORD is compassionate and gracious,<br />Slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness. <br /></p><p style="font-style: italic;">He will not always strive with us,<br />Nor will He keep His anger forever.<br />He has not dealt with us according to our sins,<br />Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.<br />For as high as the heavens are above the earth,<br />So great is His loving kindness toward those who fear Him.<br /> As far as the east is from the west,<br />So far has He removed our transgressions from us.<br />Just as a father has compassion on his children,<br />So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.<br />For He Himself knows our frame;<br />He is mindful that we are but dust. </p><p style="font-style: italic;"> As for man, his days are like grass;<br />As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.<br />When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,<br />And its place acknowledges it no longer.<br />But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who <sup class="footnote" value="[<a href="#fen-NASB-15567f" title="See footnote f">f</a>]">[<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+103&version=NASB#fen-NASB-15567f" title="See footnote f">f</a>]</sup>fear Him,<br />And His righteousness to children’s children,<br />To those who keep His covenant<br />And remember His precepts to do them. </p><p style="font-style: italic;"> The LORD has established His throne in the heavens,<br />And His sovereignty rules over all.<br />Bless the LORD, you His angels,<br />Mighty in strength, who perform His word,<br />Obeying the voice of His word!<br />Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,<br />You who serve Him, doing His will.<br />Bless the LORD, all you works of His,<br />In all places of His dominion;<br />Bless the LORD, O my soul!"</p><p style="font-style: italic;">Psalm 103<br /></p>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-14058172025520643262011-09-27T16:46:00.005-04:002011-09-27T17:07:11.459-04:00Day 24Counting down the days. I finish radiation on October 5th. Even the technicians are excited for me and they are so great to work with. I am now eight weeks post craniotomy.<br /><br />I have been able to begin slowly to work out again. I have always recorded my workouts in a log book so I can see my progress. Today, I pulled out my log and saw that the last workouts I did were July 18th and 19th, just two days before I went to the ER with focal seizures. On the 18th I did an entire upper body weight training circuit, on the 19th the work out was a high intensity plyometic sequence with a step aerobic routine on a 10 inch step. Today, I logged "Basic Step - 25 minutes - 4 inch step." Seeing those two entries was powerful for me. I feel really overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord to have the strength to finish that 25 minutes.<br /><br /><br />Reuben had what looked like a seizure out in the yard yesterday. He will be making a visit to the vet this week. Pray for my sweet boy. He has been very out of sorts all along this last nine weeks and anxious about me.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bYG1oPZyIKA/ToI2hkmmZXI/AAAAAAAACAA/YZ6hKd5CzJ4/s1600/029.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bYG1oPZyIKA/ToI2hkmmZXI/AAAAAAAACAA/YZ6hKd5CzJ4/s320/029.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5657144032319923570" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"To those who reside as aliens....and who are chosen </span><span style="font-style: italic;" class="reftext"></span><span style="font-style: italic;">according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood: May grace and peace be yours in the fullest measure. </span><p style="font-style: italic;"> <span class="reftext"></span>Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,<span class="reftext"></span>to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, <span class="reftext"></span>who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.<br /></p><p style="font-style: italic;"><span class="reftext"></span>In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, <span class="reftext"></span>so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; <span class="reftext"></span>and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, <span class="reftext"></span>obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls." 1Peter 1:1 - 9<br /></p>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-18350676722778138762011-09-26T12:04:00.000-04:002011-09-29T12:16:39.590-04:00Days Twenty Two and Twenty Three.Now that I am getting so close to the end of radiation, my focus is knocking them out. I had two very quick, uneventful treatments. I am so thankful that I have had comparatively few side effects toward the end of this stretch. These two treatments I was in and out in fifteen minutes. I like that.<br /><br />"<i style="font-style: italic;">But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which </span><i style="font-style: italic;">comes</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. "</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Philippians 3:7 - 11</span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35048108.post-46923765462610460692011-09-22T20:32:00.005-04:002011-09-23T04:51:53.332-04:00Day Twenty One<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9R2oO6h9-yA/TnvTlj-uePI/AAAAAAAAB_4/vSAdlFV47mg/s1600/92211.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9R2oO6h9-yA/TnvTlj-uePI/AAAAAAAAB_4/vSAdlFV47mg/s320/92211.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5655346399360743666" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I have now an armful of beautiful hats and scarves from all over. My <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hair loss</span> increases and who knows if and how it will grow back. As I have said, it is a minor in the grand scheme of contending with my foe.<br /><br />The best news I received today is that we begin tapering Decadron today. I have talked repeatedly about how this medication has by far been the most difficult to cope with. Grateful. So grateful.<br /><br />I received an email from a twenty four year old woman who was just diagnosed with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">GBM</span>, Twenty Four. She is about to make the journey.Please pray for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Breland</span>. She begins her radiation and chemo in a week or so.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.cherylbroyles-gbm.com/">Cheryl <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Broyles</span></a>, a remarkable <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">woman and GBM</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">survivor</span> whose tumor has returned four times has been a great encouragement to me.<br /><br />There are those who are just receiving the news and those seasoned who have walked before. There are many others. The Lord has put us together.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Then Jesus said to His disciples, </span><span style="font-style: italic;" class="woj">“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;" class="woj">For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;" class="woj">For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> "</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Matthew 16:24-26</span>Tracey Clarkehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05056238100352400353noreply@blogger.com1