The Helium Burden

Mind over Mordor

2012-01-23T11:37:00.010-05:00

So I feel like crap today. I said it, I mean it. Since my last post we have just been waiting until Gamma Knife day. We leave for UVA in the morning. I have two rounds of Avastin in my system and started daily Temodar a week ago. I am wondering which of these delightful concoctions is causing me to feel especially bad over the last few days. It is probably the combination of all of it including the rebound inflammation that makes me feel like I was hit by a truck. So, I wrestle on.

The key is to pay close attention to my thoughts. Every body sensation can send the mind down the long and winding road. For instance, I have a headache today. I had a headache when I had my seizure back in July. See how I could freak out? I feel extra tired with no reason to be. My WBC was a bit low last blood work. Is the Temodar destroying my blood? Again, there is a choice to be made. I can't paint, so I feel useless. See where this could take me? To Mordor basically.

But one does not simply walk into Mordor, but one can think her way in easily. Most easily when she feels like crap. You don't even need Gollum.

"And do not be conformed to this world, (...which has taught us it is all about us....thank you Enlightenment) but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Romans 12

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Phil 4

The battle is on the mind and it all boils down to this: Who do you think God is and what is He like? Jesus is constantly pushing the tension with me at this place in my life. "Do you trust me or not?" And I make that choice to believe what He says about Himself not to get relief because sometimes I don't, or get points (that is religion and I am already accepted completely because of His death and resurrection.) I choose to trust who He says He is so I can walk in reality by acknowledging His sovereignty, His perfect will and His choices for me as His daughter. I choose to trust Him because I love Him.

I acknowledge His rightful ownership over all things....including my body. I choose Him.

"Christ's Cross+Romans 8:28+God's sovereignty = "Every single thing that happens to us expresses God's love for us." JI Packer

I am always open to talking about what I post so feel free....and pray for my surgery Wednesday.

Grateful to each of you who has pushed on with me without ceasing.....

Gamma Knife video

Gamma Knife Video

2012-01-06T11:27:00.001-05:00

I will be having the remarkable Gamma Knife surgery on January 25th. Here is a video of
how it works.

Pressing Upward

2012-01-05T13:31:00.007-05:00

I have been thinking lately how my life seems to be nothing more than a schedule of next medications, doctors and procedures. It seems every aspect and corner of my life has changed from the trajectory of my days to coming and going relationships. Some of these have been quite painful. No. Actually all of it has been painful, both physically and emotionally. But there are seasons for all things. I fully believe that now. Learning to let go is one of the most difficult things we will ever do whether it is something physical or relational.

One of the issues I am dealing with now is rebound inflammation. This is an unfortunate result of long term use of steroids. In short, Decadron suppresses the metabolism of omega fats and once discontinued the body is hit with unmetabolized fats that result in inflammation. So I have very bad joint and muscle pain. You could say I am like an arthritic. Some days are worse than others. The key is to focus on the truth of God's promises regardless of what things appear to be. When I am in that funk, not wanting to get out of bed or feeling afraid of the new IV drug I am taking, or when I begin to wonder how things will go for me, I must discipline my mind. Sometimes it takes me a few hours to get there, sometimes a few days. Let me tell you, this is much, much more difficult than disciplining the body. No contest. A friend said to me recently, "The battle for your body is only minor compared to the battle for your confidence in Jesus." So when all appears dark, the light of Christ and who He is"......Word. Any hope or confidence I put in what I see is a wasted hope, a worthless confidence since every thing we see will be gone someday. You will die, that flat screen you got for Christmas will end up in a landfill. So what are you hoping in? My body is already failing me. At 42, in the best shape and health of my life, Glioblastoma shows up. If I survive this journey, there will be something else down the road. My point is new pain, new potentially risky drugs.....I must learn to focus on the bigger design...the giant purpose written by God. If not I won't make it. I'll cave in under the weight of these physical and relational struggles.

Craig does a better job with details so here is the report on our trip to Duke last week.

"...we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4

December's MRI Results

2011-12-21T11:59:00.003-05:00

In the middle of round three of high dose chemo. So far, so good.

Here is Craig's most recent post from the CaringBridge Blog.

"Unfortunately, we did not receive the news we wanted regarding Tracey's latest MRI. There is recurrent tumor growth. A new tumor has formed. You can click the photograph to the left to see it. The new tumor is rather small, about 9mm. It is just above the spot where the original tumors originated, which is now a cavity as they were completely resected on 1 August. You will note how small the new tumor is at this point as compared the original occurrence.

This is a very strong kick to the gut. Making it an even stronger kick to the gut is the location where this tumor is emerging. It is directly on the motor strip that controls Tracey's movement on the left side of the her body; her arms, legs, etc. Going after it with a scalpel could be dangerous and cause damage to motor skills. Tracey is left handed and as you know an artist.

So, what is next? This is where the power of the Duke Brain Tumor Center comes in to play in a huge way. There is are several strong and promising options on the table to eliminate this tumor, including having radiosurgery with a gamma knife (a non-invasive super powerful radiation that zaps the tumor) to new drug treatments or even innovative vaccines that Duke is developing. The next step could a combination of several of these options.

We are going to Duke next week right after Christmas. Please pray that the Lord would provide wisdom and guidance to our doctors in Durham.

Understanding the highly aggressive nature of glioblastoma, we knew that recurrence was virtually assured. Every long-term survivor we have met has battled at least one if not more cases of recurrence. We knew this coming, we were just hoping it would have been a little further down the road.

The next immediate course of action is chemotherapy that begins tonight. It will last for five days. Please pray that the chemotherapy is highly effective in not allowing this new tumor to grow any further. Please also pray that Tracey's nausea will be much lower than the last round. We have some new anti-nausea meds that we are hoping will be effective.

So, we have a strong and aggressive plan in front of us, chemotherapy this week followed by a trip to Duke to plan the next course of action to eliminate this recurrence. We so very thankful that this was found very early and at a point where Tracey is showing no symptoms of even having a new tumor. And we so very thankful that the Lord has provided us the top experts in the world on brain tumors to be on our medical team."

We are meditating on this promise from Isaiah 43:

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Waiting......

2011-12-05T11:34:00.004-05:00

Me and Craig going on a date......

Since my last post Thanksgiving and round two of high dose chemo has occurred. The second round has very difficult and I was sick for about six days. I have to be honest and say it was a dark week for me. I wonder how I can do this for another 10 or more months. My post HDC visit to my oncologist has armed me with several new anti nausea meds to try on the next cycle. I am glad to have them available in part and in part hate to have to take more meds. I suppose I have a decision to make before December 19th, round three. My appetite continues to be spotty as does my energy.

So many of you have stuck in there with me all along this journey. You have not once missed an opportunity to encourage me with prayer, words or even hitting the "like" button on Facebook. I feel less lonely in this because of you all. Even when I am too sick or tired to reciprocate, many of you continue to suffer long with me. I cannot thank you enough. Hang in there with me. You mean more and are helping me more than you can know.

When will I paint again? It is the question everyone asks. I feel as though I am wandering around trying to get a grip at the moment, still processing the last four months and getting accustomed to a new "normal." I have sold several large paintings in the last few weeks, so as they fly out the door, I am at least beginning to think about getting back to it. Do I even remember how to paint?...

Next MRI December 16th, trip to Duke December 19th...

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."
Isaiah 40

I am counting on Him.

Waiting

2011-11-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

A few weeks a go I was on a support site for people who have or have had brain tumors. Someone posted that they felt like they did well through the diagnosis, surgery, and radiation, but really fell apart after the initial tornado passed through. For almost all of us, this beginning time moves quickly. There is a lot going on and a lot of people around for the initial crisis. In my case there were only eleven weeks from the ER to the end of radiation. Now it is waiting between MRIs and managing pain and medication, which can be beasts.

I really resonated with this person's question because I have felt very much that way in the last month or so. Being a person who has struggled with depression as long as I can remember, I find it visiting me in full force now with all its tentacles. The old familiar patterns of loneliness, fatigue, apathy and caving in are upon me. If you know, then you know. It is much like laying under a huge pile of clothes on the bed and they are so heavy, you cannot budge being forced to wrestle with body, mind and God. This is not always a bad place to be albeit painful. I am hoping in and waiting for God to bring about something beautiful.

The Lord will bring up the same scripture multiple times in a few days to get my attention. This has been very pronounced since my diagnosis. This is the most recent:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Here is a link to the Art Benefit on November 5th my community, friends and family put together to help us with my medical expenses. Craig and I are so grateful and completely overwhelmed......

Breland

2011-11-08T13:56:00.003-05:00

Rachel has the same diagnosis as I do. Her blog is: "Breland: My journey to kick Glioblastoma Multiforme tumor's ass."

She has a video of radiation that is much better than mine, cos' she is much cooler than I am.

Temodar, the Villan.....

2011-11-08T11:28:00.005-05:00

So, I made it through the first round of high dose Temodar. I came out relatively unscathed. Most of the battle with taking chemo, essentially a poison, is mental. I think I had my defiant crying jag the first night. "I'm just not going to take that crap! I don't want to put {explicative} poison in my body!"
My wise husband quietly replied, "Well, you can take it or die. So, you are going to take it." He was right. Actually, now that I think of it, almost all of this is mental.

I am limited, extremely limited, in my ability to comprehend the complexities of life and how to live it. I lie to myself. We all do. I try to figure out things by my own distorted reasoning. Yes, the Temodar is doing damage, but it is also destroying the very enemy that sent me to the ER in July.
I have to ask myself moment by moment in this brain cancer if I trust God more than I trust myself. Sometimes I fail like the first night of HDC. Or when I start to get a headache, or think too much on my last MRI. When I look at how drastically different and limited my life is today than just a few months ago. He is who He says He is and He does not change. And because I am His in Christ Jesus I absolutely believe He causes ALL things to work together for good for those who love Him and are CALLED according to His purpose. When I think on the times I have grown and changed it has always, always been through adversity and pain. Most people can claim this truth in their lives, as well. From the beginning I knew this path was chosen for me and for Craig.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." Romans 8:18-25

Duke Brain Tumor Center

2011-10-26T14:21:00.004-04:00

This will be mostly an informational post. My neck and shoulders are really acting up and I have to be careful about lingering on the laptop.

We spent the last two days at Duke meeting with new team members. We came away with a lot of new information and much to consider. The MRI I had last week shows a lot of blood in the tumor cavity due to having my brain cut and radiated. So, we are still on the mend twelve weeks out from the craniotomy and three out from radiation. The plan is to return to the center late December with a new MRI to see what changes have occurred in the cavity and also with the 2mm area of concern. Then we will know if there will be added medication, etc.

I begin high dose chemotherapy tonight. This will be five days out of every month for at least the next 12 months. I have a fair amount of dislike for this part of the road. It is hard to say how my body will handle the drug in high dose. And the knowledge that while it is destroying an aggressive cancer it is very hard on bone marrow. And it does tend to cause nausea so I will be taking anti-nausea meds before each dose. Talk about surrender. So, today I have spent most of my time resting, praying and chewing on our two days at Duke. It is a lot to digest.

Camping out in Romans 8. Through the Holy Spirit and several others I continue to get pointed to that chapter again and again over the last few weeks. It is a massive chapter. I could camp there for a year and still not mine the riches there.

Romans 8
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh— for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. ¹⁴ For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,

“FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”

But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

"Elmo's Diner" Durham, NC.

MRI

2011-10-21T12:36:00.005-04:00

Waiting room.........
On Wednesday I had my two week post radiation MRI with profusion. I have had the opportunity over the last three months to make the acquaintance of several MRI machines This one was by far the noisiest. I am grateful every time I have some form of medical treatment and that I can have it in this country, but honestly I thought, "Well, if I don't have a brain tumor now, I will by the time they take me out of this tube."

This morning we sat down with my oncologist, Dr Menachery. There is a new 2 mm area of concern on the scan close to the tumor cavity. As well there is a small area on the perimeter of the tumor cavity that may be dead cells or swelling. We will have another MRI early December to see what changes occur if any and then meet with my surgeon, Dr Poffenbarger.
I begin high dose oral chemo the end of October. This is what he calls, "gut check time." I hope I have enough guts.

I have tried to be as transparent as I can with my posts. These few weeks after radiation have been difficult. I have had some dark days. I think because everything moved so quickly from ER, to craniotomy, to radiation I didn't have much time to process everything. I have had a lot of time sit in this and to pray, cry and even rejoice. It seems as though I have experienced every emotion known to man, even some I couldn't possibly describe. Some days I had severe headaches or fatigue....and "hello darkness, my old friend." I can't say today's results were encouraging.

This is hard for many to understand. Yet, once again, in His infinite wisdom and mercy God is pressing in on me even more. Though it is painful at times, I am learning to look more and more at what is eternal and learning to lean less and less on a dying body. Yours is dying, too, by the way. Just give it time. We are all terminal. My body is not reliable nor is it forever. Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is who He says He is. Every day I become more confident of this as my fingers are mercifully pried off of what does not fulfill. My self sufficiency, self reliance, hyper independence...excellent health...everything the entire world values, has been stripped away. If that gives me more of Jesus, than so be it.

2 Corinthians 12
".....to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh... Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Waiting and Healing

2011-10-13T08:49:00.002-04:00

I am not sure where I am in my head these days. Now that radiation is complete, I suppose we are is a waiting and healing phase now. I have had a few bad days mostly from tapering slowly off of the decadron. Sleep does seem to be coming a bit easier and lasting a little longer, though, so I am grateful for that change. I have been able to get back to basic working out which is made rather interesting by seizure meds.

So here is the battle plan:

I have an MRI with profusion Wednesday October 19th.
Friday October 21 we meet with the oncologist to set the plan for high dose chemo starting in November for at least 18 months.
Then off to Duke Brain Tumor Center Oct 23-25 to be assessed for new treatments like gene therapy and promising drugs.
Another MRI early December and follow up appointment with the Dr Poffenbarger, my surgeon....
Then we go on to MRIs every three months.
If I get to the 18 month make without recurrence....well, that is a big deal.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.
Selah.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.
Selah.

Come, behold the works of the LORD,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Day Thirty

2011-10-05T17:45:00.006-04:00

Six weeks, thirty sessions of radiation are complete. Jesus told me that He was on that table with me every time experiencing every moment with me. Faithful.

Psalm 30:1-4

I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.

O LORD my God,
I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

O LORD, You have brought up my soul from Sheol;
You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones,
And give thanks to His holy name.

Days Twenty Five and Twenty Six.

2011-09-29T12:17:00.003-04:00

I feel like we are rolling along now in a daily routine. Mostly I am in and out of the treatment area within fifteen minutes. We are slowly narrowing in on the middle of the tumor cavity. Four more to go.

I focus on praising the Lord while I am on the machine, now.

"Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit, Who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

The LORD performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness.

He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His loving kindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who ^[f]fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.

The LORD has established His throne in the heavens,
And His sovereignty rules over all.
Bless the LORD, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
Bless the LORD, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the LORD, O my soul!"

Psalm 103

Day 24

2011-09-27T16:46:00.005-04:00

Counting down the days. I finish radiation on October 5th. Even the technicians are excited for me and they are so great to work with. I am now eight weeks post craniotomy.

I have been able to begin slowly to work out again. I have always recorded my workouts in a log book so I can see my progress. Today, I pulled out my log and saw that the last workouts I did were July 18th and 19th, just two days before I went to the ER with focal seizures. On the 18th I did an entire upper body weight training circuit, on the 19th the work out was a high intensity plyometic sequence with a step aerobic routine on a 10 inch step. Today, I logged "Basic Step - 25 minutes - 4 inch step." Seeing those two entries was powerful for me. I feel really overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord to have the strength to finish that 25 minutes.

Reuben had what looked like a seizure out in the yard yesterday. He will be making a visit to the vet this week. Pray for my sweet boy. He has been very out of sorts all along this last nine weeks and anxious about me.

"To those who reside as aliens....and who are chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood: May grace and peace be yours in the fullest measure.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls." 1Peter 1:1 - 9

Days Twenty Two and Twenty Three.

2011-09-26T12:04:00.000-04:00

Now that I am getting so close to the end of radiation, my focus is knocking them out. I had two very quick, uneventful treatments. I am so thankful that I have had comparatively few side effects toward the end of this stretch. These two treatments I was in and out in fifteen minutes. I like that.

"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. " Philippians 3:7 - 11

Day Twenty One

2011-09-22T20:32:00.005-04:00

I have now an armful of beautiful hats and scarves from all over. My hair loss increases and who knows if and how it will grow back. As I have said, it is a minor in the grand scheme of contending with my foe.

The best news I received today is that we begin tapering Decadron today. I have talked repeatedly about how this medication has by far been the most difficult to cope with. Grateful. So grateful.

I received an email from a twenty four year old woman who was just diagnosed with GBM, Twenty Four. She is about to make the journey.Please pray for Breland. She begins her radiation and chemo in a week or so.

Cheryl Broyles, a remarkable woman and GBM survivor whose tumor has returned four times has been a great encouragement to me.

There are those who are just receiving the news and those seasoned who have walked before. There are many others. The Lord has put us together.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? "
Matthew 16:24-26

Day Twenty

2011-09-21T13:54:00.003-04:00

That's all I have to say about that. Grateful to the Lord.....having a good day.

Isaiah 41: 10 - 13

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

“Behold, all those who are angered at you will be shamed and dishonored;
Those who contend with you will be as nothing and will perish.
You will seek those who quarrel with you, but will not find them,
Those who war with you will be as nothing and non-existent."
(The Lord told me to think about the brain cancer cells when I read this part.)

“For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand,
Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’

My Story

Day Eighteen

2011-09-19T15:09:00.006-04:00

How can one tiny green pill cause so much aggravation? Leg weakness, swollen joints and cramps, insomnia, extreme hunger and thirst. Then there are Digestive problems along with mental and emotional instability. Let's just say the one 4mg decadron tablet I ingest twice a day has by far been the most challenging of any treatment I have had thus far. I have been on some form of it since July 21st whether by I.V. or pill.

When I allow myself to focus on the side effects of the steroid and radiation and dwell on my physical pain, I find my life narrows even more and my thoughts become out of control. I cocoon into a self gaze. I did that yesterday. And the Lord in His mercy spoke to me.

In the wilderness he was starving, thirsty and mentally exhausted. In the garden he was emotionally spent and left alone by his closest companions who were too weak to watch and pray with him. He was arrested, beaten, had his hair and beard pulled out. Then there is the cross.

Who else would know more about physical pain than Jesus himself? I began meditating on the well documented account of the crucifixion from a medical perspective. Here a trauma surgeon talks about what Jesus endured.

I know that He knows. He is intimately, mercifully aware of what is going on in my body. There is no thing that He has not endured before me or that He is not willing to walk through with me.

"Nothing happens to us but what the Son of God has Himself experienced in order that He might sympathize with us."- John Calvin

Caring Bridge Update

2011-09-18T19:28:00.003-04:00

Craig has posted a journal entry on the Caring Bridge Blog.

Day Seventeen

2011-09-17T05:44:00.006-04:00

I was so grateful my mom was able to come spend a few days with me. I mom raised me and my sister alone, and though at times our lives were difficult, she did everything is her power to provide for us and make certain her daughters were safe and loved.

God gives me a passage of scripture for either the night before or morning of radiation days. I take the index card with me to meditate on while I am in the waiting room or on the machine. Psalm 34 came to me in the night.

Honestly, I felt fearful yesterday. I saw more hair falling into the sink and heard a story of a boy who has battled brain cancer since four and now at nine has a fourth inoperable return with increasing deficits. He will not live. My practice of surrendering daily to Christ seemed to elude me until I truly savored the words. His instructions and promises moved me to that place again of unclenching little trinkets of doubt that though may be in the future, I am powerless to control. Because I KNOW Him, and I believe He is who He says He is, He can do what He says He can do I can let Him take it. I have seen Him move in my life far too many times now to go back....to try to BE Him.

Psalm 34

''I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.

O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.

I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears.

They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces will never be ashamed.

This poor woman cried, and the LORD heard him
And saved her out of all her troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him,
And rescues them.

O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!

O fear the LORD, you His saints;
For to those who fear Him there is no want.

The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing.

Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

Who is the woman who desires life
And loves length of days that he may see good?

Keep your tongue from evil
And your lips from speaking deceit.

Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
And His ears are open to their cry.

The face of the LORD is against evildoers,
To cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry, and the LORD hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.

He keeps all his bones,
Not one of them is broken.

Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous will be condemned.

The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned."

Day Fifteen

2011-09-14T13:10:00.005-04:00

Breakfast with Nina before radiation this morning.

Today, I have reached the halfway mark in my treatment. So tired, losing more hair.....so? I can see the finish line.

Romans 8:31-39
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,

“FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”

Day Fourteen

2011-09-13T19:21:00.005-04:00

I slept a lot today. Felt a bit alone and tired. I just noticed today my hair is now coming out at the radiation site.

our friends, Phil and Elisa

Despite being surrounded by many people that love and support me, visit me daily....weekly, and have made sacrifice of their own lives to focus on me, I have felt a sense of walking it out on my own. I think it's a normal feeling to have during this sort of thing. Many of you know it. No one else can do the thing but me. I have to do the treatment, take the all the medication and deal with the unknown.

our friends Mike and Kathy

But I am hopeful because tomorrow is the half way mark. Each day is one day closer to the end of radiation. And I am not alone.

Psalm 23

"The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

Day Thirteen

2011-09-12T23:00:00.001-04:00

On the canal path with Reuben this morning.

Mornings are usually the best for me. My goal is to get a good walk in before I have to take medication and head off to radiation.

Today was the first day I noticed a significant rise in fatigue after treatment. Typically, after the first few weeks fatigue increases and as I am moving into two weeks, this isn't a surprise. Monica, the radiation tech has been asking me about it for the last four treatments in a sort of knowing way perhaps trying to prepare me. I am praying that it won't be too debilitating. Dr. Poffenbarger referred to the middle weeks as "Gut check time." Gut check showed up in the form of frustration trying to get up the stairs to shower about ten p.m. as I felt a meltdown descend. I have learned to trun right to the Lord.

This I know that the loving kindness of the Lord is everlasting. Every moment of every day this is reality. It is my experience. The weaker I am, the more He shows up. And in that dissolving I cry out, and there He is.

Psalm 118

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His loving kindness is everlasting.
Oh let Israel say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”
Oh let the house of Aaron say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”
Oh let those who fear the LORD say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”

From my distress I called upon the LORD; The LORD answered me and set me in a large place.
The LORD is for me; I will not fear; What can man do to me?
The LORD is for me among those who help me; Therefore I will look with satisfaction on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the LORD Than to trust in princes. The LORD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.

The sound of joyful shouting and salvation is in the tents of the righteous;
The right hand of the LORD does valiantly. The right hand of the LORD is exalted;
The right hand of the LORD does valiantly. I will not die, but live,
And tell of the works of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.

Open to me the gates of righteousness; I shall enter through them, I shall give thanks to the LORD. This is the gate of the LORD; The righteous will enter through it.
I shall give thanks to You, for You have answered me, And You have become my salvation.

The stone which the builders rejected Has become the chief corner stone.
This is the LORD’S doing; It is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day which the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it. O LORD, do save, we beseech You;
O LORD, we beseech You, do send prosperity! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the LORD;

We have blessed you from the house of the LORD. The LORD is God, and He has given us light;
Bind the festival sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar.
You are my God, and I give thanks to You; You are my God, I extol You.
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His loving kindness is everlasting."

flowers along the canal path

Letters From 9-11

2011-09-12T05:37:00.003-04:00

Here is a series of four letters about 9-11 thoughtfully written by Glenn Lucke on the Resurgence site. They are written by date.

"In the days immediately after 9/11, a friend in her mid-thirties wrote me an email wrestling with the question of how could God allow such evil. Elizabeth had worked for many years in the financial district of New York City...thus, the senseless loss of life of friends and acquaintances was fresh, raw and scarcely comprehensible to her."

Day Twelve

2011-09-09T23:58:00.008-04:00

It was a pretty quick radiation day and then on to have blood work and see Dr, Menachery. He takes care of looking after my blood and medications. He is awesome.

I have to admit I walked out of the meeting a bit blue. After hashing through what the next year or years could look like, I felt a bit overwhelmed. At some point, we move into the unknown with glioblastoma multiforme. There is no cure. It hit me hard and clear that this is a something I will have to contend with for the rest of my life, whatever days the Lord gives and according to what He ordains.

So after a frank talk with Dr. Menachery, here is our road. I continue through early October with radiation and chemotherapy and then will visit Duke Brain tumor Center for assessment and eligibility for clinical trials and other treatments. Craig has been orchestrating this meeting for weeks now. In November I begin high dose chemo five days out of each month indefinitely. Then in early December I have a follow up MRI with profusion and see Dr. Poffenbarger, our surgeon, for results. We believe in Christ that MRI will be clean and that I am healed. If Dr P. sees something, I may have another surgery card in my back pocket. I will then go on to regular scheduled MRIs and on into the "unknown" as they call it, for the rest of my life.

Here is Dr Henry Friedman at the Duke Brain Tumor Center talking about GBM MF.
We are greatly encouraged by him and his mission.

God sits in the heavens and does as He please according to His perfect will, not ours. We fully trust Him and understand that this entire event is about more than brain cancer. It is about Him making Himself known and that many would know Him. The supernatural power and presence I feel in my own body daily and His constant whisper to me despite my weakness can never convince me of any other truth. You my dear, friends, come from many perspectives and spiritual points of view. My deeply humble prayer for you all would be for you to seek Him out, to ask and knock. To seriously and humbly look hard at the person of Jesus without bias. To be honest, to seek the truth. God has provided all you need, every resource to know that truth if you will but ask. I know a lot of you have church baggage, a lot of religious baggage. Knowing Christ through the gospel has nothing, nothing to do with that. And to withhold yourself because of the ignorance and sin of other people whatever your experience may have been, is to do a foolish thing. Reacting to your experiences rather than engaging from a place of wisdom will hurt you over the course of your life. We have all seen it in ourselves.

You can go back to this post to read the story of my own conversion. And as always I am willing to talk and listen to anyone who has questions or thoughts. I have had great dialogue with some of you and love your honesty and transparency.

Psalm 16
Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.
I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord I have no good besides You.”
As for the saints who are in the earth, They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight.
he sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied;
I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood, Nor will I take their names upon my lips.
The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
I will bless the LORD who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
I have set the LORD continually before me Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will dwell securely.
For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

Day Eleven

2011-09-08T13:58:00.002-04:00

Radiation. 11 behind me, 19 ahead of me.

Despite the rain, I was so happy to take a thirty minute walk today with Reuben.

"Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold.We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. The Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[a] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

2 Corinthians 3:12-18

Day Ten

2011-09-07T16:05:00.003-04:00

Radiation. I am a third of the way there.

I had a dark moment this afternoon. One of the biggest challenges I have had is insomnia brought on by taking decradron, the steroid medication I take to decrease swelling. At this point I am able to get multiple short 20 to 40 minute naps from ten p.m. or so until about three or four a.m. and then I am wide awake. I try to to take these short naps during the day, but often they fail and what feels like an hour or two nap was really about fifteen or twenty minutes. Time seems to freeze. Although I know this is temporary, it can become overwhelming. It is such a weird experience. We all know what sort of crazy lack of sleep can bring on. I have been sleeping on the couch for weeks because I am up so much and do not want to disturb Craig. At the end of the day, it IS temporary. I know it is coming to an end, so my mission is to manage it one hour at a time and ride the wave. I have to remind myself again that there is a benefit to this drug as well as to the Keppra and Temodar. As my doctor said there is a well laid and known path in treating this cancer and it includes these three.

Today, I have been meditating on people who might have the same brain cancer living in parts of the world with have no access to these drugs, no way of getting medical care and maybe living without even knowing what is causing their pain. They will die. They have to live with the effects of their disease daily without relief. It pains my deeply to think on it, but it is a good thing to do when I get squirrely about being unable to sleep or think about the next step of chemo treatment in the months to come. It creates gratitude to the Lord and challenges me in the future mission He may be calling me to out of this whole amazing journey.

I have experienced this power perfected in weakness in the most profound way over the last weeks.
It is runs completely against the grain of our human nature. We don't like it. But for me, that Jesus may be ultimate and all in all, I am glad for where I live today wide awake on the couch at four a.m.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Day Nine

2011-09-06T13:27:00.004-04:00

Radiation was pretty uneventful today. I am happy to have had a few days break and no post headache today.

Craig took this photo this morning. I won't go into the multiple side effects of Decadron, but those of us who have to take it for an extended period get what is called"moon face" (I prefer "moonpie face" 'cos it's funny...) When I look in the mirror, I look like a stranger. It's a funny thing to have been so active, fit and capable and be brought to a place that I barely climb the stairs or lift anything. As a weight trainer and runner, watching this dramatic change, a narrowing some of the passions of my life, has been both a sorrow and a grace.

Through brain cancer, I see is how the Lord has taken away so that I can truly see what is eternal and what truly has value. I have opportunity to examine myself. There are many things that are good, like exercise and taking care of the body, but they are not always the BEST thing. The good things we do often keep us from focusing on the best or wisest thing for us. Often times they even become obsessions that take over our lives, exhibit a narcissistic preoccupation with ourselves and need to control. Of course, this sort of thing can manifest in all kinds of behaviors. Name it. We all do it.

The physical body is perishing. Make no mistake. Take care of it, exercise, eat well and do all you can. But we are all terminal. This is a reality to me now that has come into my life in just the last six weeks. I am grateful for the gift of this narrowing life this whittling down so that I can see.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen ; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Cor 4:16-18

My Amazing Community of Sacrifice and Service

2011-09-06T04:54:00.001-04:00

Recently, I was approached local artist friends offered to put together a benefit to help Craig and I with medical expenses accruing from my recent diagnosis. I am overwhelmed, humbled by and grateful for the generosity of artists and volunteers who have committed to be a part of this act of service and sacrifice. The event will be on November 5th from 4 to 6 p.m. here in my town of Fredericksburg at my church, New City Fellowship. I am speechless, to be honest.

Day Eight

2011-09-05T05:37:00.003-04:00

So many of you have asked about radiation so I taped treatment on day eight so you can see what happens. Two blasts to the tumor cavity and I am done for the day. You can see the video here.

The long weekend has been good. Trying to catch up on sleep, get some exercise and connect with my husband.

On the Canal Path with Reuben.

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"

Day Seven

2011-09-02T03:36:00.005-04:00

The Machine.

Today was a hard day of battling headache and fatigue. I never could quite get any naps in.
But......

Lamentations 3:22-25

"The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I have hope in Him.”
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the person who seeks Him."

Day Six

2011-08-31T12:18:00.004-04:00

I don't know how I feel today, other than I have a bad headache and my eyes hurt. Those who know me, know me to be very independent. My life in many ways has become a strict regime of timed medications and insomnia interrupted cat naps. It has become a daily schedule of radiation, chemotherapy and a complete reliance on others to drive me anywhere. Most of the things I could do before GBM I cannot do for now. As a person who has wrestled with depression, I have mulled over the possibility of a visit from "darkness, my old friend" while going through treatment. I struggle with the medication. Today, I have to work hard to focus on the positive realities of the drugs and not the very real negatives that also come along with them.

In His mercy and goodness (yes, I said mercy and goodness) I have been confined and forced into utter dependence. I believe I have been healed of GBM. Ultimately, the Lord will make that decision according to His perfect will that extends far, far beyond my small life. He has turned my life over and over in His hand like a stone. I am learning quickly the priceless treasure of what is eternal and on what truly has value. You idea of control over your life is an illusion. Make no mistake. Like Matt Chandler said "We are all terminal."

Psalm 86
A Psalm of Supplication and Trust.

"Incline Your ear, O LORD, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy.
Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man;
O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You.
Be gracious to me, O Lord,
For to You I cry all day long.
Make glad the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.

Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer;
And give heed to the voice of my supplications!
In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me.
There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,
Nor are there any works like Yours.

All nations whom You have made shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And they shall glorify Your name.
For You are great and do wondrous deeds;
You alone are God.

Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,

And will glorify Your name forever.
¹³ For Your lovingkindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

O God, arrogant men have risen up against me,
And a band of violent men have sought my life,
And they have not set You before them.
But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth.

Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Oh grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your handmaid.
Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me."

Day Five

2011-08-30T18:21:00.007-04:00

I got a fairly immediate headache after radiation today. I tried preemptive Tylenol which did help for a while. My attempt at a nap when back home failed. I guess I was kind of wired thinking about the headache and weird eye sensitivity I have had for the last few days.

About two p.m. I was dozing on the day and heard footsteps on the roof. Someone came over and cleaned our gutters. I have no idea who. The sacrifice of neighbors and even strangers has been stunning to us and the wreckless manner in which God has poured out abundantly on top of our heads is overwhelming.

A few nights ago in my insomnia I began to talk to the Lord about how amazing the medical technology available to us is in current days. Just a few years ago with this diagnosis I would have been told to enjoy what short time I have left to live. He said "I freely give without measure. This is who I am. I want you to freely give as I have freely given. I saw a windshield, a glass, wet with clear water being wiped clean.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity."

Day Four

2011-08-29T18:10:00.005-04:00

Today was the fourth day of radiation. Last Wednesday, the first day, I had a seizure about an hour after treatment. What a way to start and in particular to begin the all too human practice of building anxiety around an traumatic event. Though these seizures are short, they are very uncomfortable and apparently, unpredictable. Two things we hate.

At this point what I am experiencing are headaches about a half hour after the treatment. The battle in my mind is not to look down the long road ahead of 26 more exposures and wonder how bad it will get. I am being forced to live each day within it's day.

Matthew 6:34
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Glioblastoma Multiforme Arrives

2011-08-21T02:43:00.008-04:00

It is about three in the morning thanks and to the last month's journey and I am awake in more ways than one.

I have been mulling over how to write about the flooding hurricane that has been the last four weeks. Do I even want to? How much should I share? But my commitment to vulnerability and openness of myself and especially my faith in Jesus Christ propels me forward. You'll just have to bear with a painter attempting to write and then come to your own conclusions. I am fine with whatever they may be. I love and am friend to many kinds of people with all sorts of world and spiritual views, but under the circumstances given the massive work I see God clearly accomplishing beyond myself I must be honest with you all. And, I am prepared as well for your honesty.

The first thing I want to link to is my story which you can read in the previous post called "The Gospel." It is my journey of faith which began in 1994. Actually, it was a downright supernatural conversion accomplished within a matter of days. Overnight.

So, here we are now. On July 21st a series of focal seizures sent me to the ER, a CT scan showed a tumor. Within a week, I was admitted to the hospital, diagnosed with a brain tumor, stabilized on I.V meds, and had a complete resection craniotomy. Pathology revealed Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM). This is the most aggressive and malignant of brain tumors. I began six weeks of radiation and chemotherapy last week. My plan is to write about each day. I welcome your comments and thoughts.

My husband, Craig, has been keeping a thorough Caring Bridge journal specifics here if you'd like to read the entire story of the last six weeks.

The Gospel

2011-08-20T18:40:00.000-04:00

How do I put into words the incredible circumstances that led me to follow Jesus……I have talked to many people about it, yet always feel so inept at describing the spring of 1994.

I can start with telling you a bit about my background. I was raised in a single parent home. My parents divorced when I was 6 over my father’s violent alcohol fueled temper. I was not raised in the church and it was not until my mom remarried my step dad when I was 12 that I first went to church with my family. Mostly, I didn’t get it and rather ended up loathing religion as years of unresolved pain, anger and depression lingered in my system into my 20’s. When I was 13 or so in a very real moment I did pray with my Sunday school teacher to believe in Jesus. All I can say to describe what transpired is that something went out through the top of my head and something else came entered. It freaked me out so much I never said anything about it to anyone.

At 14 I left secretly from home to Florida to live with my dad….after five years, I went on the Altanta College of Art where I formed my philosophy of life, slowly becoming more and more convinced that there was no god. I became heavily involved with the underground punk scene. I spent alot of nights going to see bands and drinking A LOT. The magnitude of my anger and depression was oppressive. I was working as a vet tech at the time in Decatur, a suburb of Altanta, spending evenings seeing bands. I didn’t do much art at the time being so busy with a demanding full time job, but somehow in the spring of 1994, I had the idea to paint a large scale work of Jesus. To me, he was just a great teacher, a historical figure. I thought it would be really cool to paint him nude. My first order of business was to do a little research. So, I would visit the local library to check out any books I could find. I read books from many different perspectives on who Jesus really was…..and this is where it becomes challenging to articulate.

In that little house in Decatur Georgia at some moment of time I cannot place, the presence of God filled the room surrounding me in a sort of bubble. It was the purest most beautiful thing one could ever imagine. To describe what the very presence of God feels like in words……impossible. This went on for several weeks. I slept little and even had multiple experiences with demonic attack. It did not take long for me to understand that the Spirit of God was pointing me to Jesus as the way, the truth and the life. As a matter of fact, the scripture speaks of a literal “rebirth”, a moving from death into life. And that is exactly what happened to me. I noticed that colors were more vibrant, I heard sounds with a certain new clarity. It really was like being dead and then brought to life. From that day on, nothing could convince me of any truth other than that Jesus Christ is exactly who the scripture says He is: The son of God sent to take on the sins of the world and offer reconciliation with God. Thus began a 16 year journey of study, prayer and following Him.

I cannot count the times He has spoken truth to me, blessed and worked in me, changed and healed me and I owe Him my life. I challenge each of you to truly examine the Jesus.

So, my friends, this is my story. And this is the gospel:

God, out of an overflow of His being and His glory, creates. He speaks and things come into existence. He creates the universe, the planets, and at the apex of His creation, He creates man in His image. He creates out of love. And He breathes His spirit into dust, and man is created. And then he creates woman. God created this perfect, harmonious, beautiful creation, and man decided that he could do things better than God, that he was smarter than God, that he could be a better sovereign than God could. So he rebels against the word of God. God told him how to live, what life was supposed to be like, told him want to do and what not to do. He gave man a path that leads to life. He displayed the way that leads to our ultimate joy which is only found in relationship with Him.

In love He said,
“Go this way, not this way.”
And man said, “You know what? I really appreciate You giving me some heads up, but I really think I know better than You, God. So I’m going to do this.”
So man sins, rebels against God and thus separates himself from relationship with God. And death enters the word, and it infects and shatters everything. And all of us now, in Adam’s fall, all sinned. All of us became sinners by our nature and by action; we join in this fall. And we do it every single day. All we have to do is look around and be honest about our own hearts and we can see the trail of pain we leave.

How in the world is God going to deal with this problem of having sinful creatures that rebel against Him and at the same time finish what He set out to do, which is namely to have a planet full of creatures who image and glorify Him?

After the fall, the rest of the Bible is preparing for Jesus Christ to step on the scene. It is the grand Metanarrative. It is a preparing for this great news to be trumpeted. He prepares for the coming of His Son by raising up a people, the Jews, who by covenantal stipulations, temple worship, systems of sacrifice and a priesthood, by kings and by prophets are taught something of what God is planning and what He expects. This is the Old Testament and then in the fullness of time, His Son comes. Jesus of Nazareth, born of the Virgin Mary, in Bethlehem comes and takes on human nature. Jesus was fully man and fully God. Onto the stage of history in response to man’s sin and rebellion steps Jesus. Our problem is that we are separated from a holy God because we are sinners, because his wrath is deserved by us, and there is nothing we can do about. There is no amount of good works that we can do. Nothing. We can’t fix it. We can’t sacrifice it. We can’t do enough good. As a matter of fact God calls the “good” we do “filthy rags.” We will never be able to live up to God’s standard. So Jesus Christ went on the cross and died, and herein really lies the heart of the gospel. So, He lived the perfect life, performed miracles as a sign of His Godhead and then died for our sins. There is substitution that happened at the cross, a supernatural
substitution where God took on our sins. God the Son took on our sins and died for them
and gave us His righteousness. He got what we deserved, and He gave us what we don’t
deserve in dying for our sins. And then God raised him from the dead. The gospel is that Jesus Christ is Lord, He’s been raised from the dead and has come with Saving and transforming power. The great news is that God has decided not to leave this world and us in the mess that we got ourselves into. Through His Son, He’s decided to make all things new, and He’s invited us into that if we would trust Jesus Christ and submit our lives to Him as Lord and Savior.

Haiti

2010-01-15T11:30:00.007-05:00

When there is a cataclysmic event in our history, it is only natural for us to talk about God. One thing is for sure, a natural disaster that takes out thousands of people in an instant brings our fears and doubts up to the surface. I have wrestled myself, just as I did with 9-11, with the Indian Ocean tsunami and various atrocities committed upon the innocent.

Over the last several days, I have read and heard many thoughts and opinions about God in relationship to the Haiti earthquake. Some have angered me, some saddened me, others have helped solidify my faith in the God I have known for the last 15 years. It is unfortunate that a few of the comments that angered AND saddened me came forth from the mouths of professing Christians. In particular, the misuse of scripture in to explain this situation, is upsetting. (Principle of interpretation: biblical hermeneutics, analogy of faith...context, context, context, people. Another post for another day....)

I wonder why so many people abandon any notion of God, why they become so hostile, why they are so confused, why they, and rightly so, want "nothing to do" with the God many Christians proclaim. I am not speaking of being perfect here. None of us are, but it pains me deeply to know the Person of Christ intimately and to see Him dragged through the mud by religious people who do not know the Word. They do not understand who God is at all. They do not understand because spiritual wisdom is imparted by God, not my reading the bible alone and thus applying your own bent according to your own self. They live under the law (failingly, I might add) and insist everyone else suffer the same misery. Though in Romans 2 Paul speaks specifically of Jews who teach the Law of God to others while breaking the Law, I cannot help but think of many current day Christians when I get to verse 24:

"The Name of God is blasphemed among the gentiles because of you."

Paul refers to the Gentiles here as those who did not have the knowledge of God. Because of our unwillingness to walk the walk, people who aren't there yet reject God. This is the trail of deadness left behind by the religious. Make no mistake. The mark of a christian is love manifested in grace and truth.

Agreed, God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is a God of justice. He is perfect. He is OTHER. He REQUIRES something from us. (Fancy that.. the Creator requires something of us. How dare He...) But He is also the personification of lovingkindness, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, grace and truth (Exodus 34:6-7.) Some go on to site the end of verse 7, and, yes, there are consequences for our actions, particularly in the family system. There is a principle of the generational curse. This is the way God made us. We cannot do what we want and think it has no bearing on anyone else. This verse is about relationship. And God is all about relationship. (Another topic for another post.....on another day.)

What I want to convey about the question and doubt over God in these times is that we live in a world that is winding down. We live in a place that is not Eden. It is not what it was meant to be. It is not the perfect Utopia we so cling to and long for it to be. There is a natural way of our fallen world (and its fallen inhabitants) that imparts suffering, death, pain. God in His sovereignty allows the natural way of the cosmos and then, amazingly, He meets us there, right where we are. He sees the big picture that we cannot see in our our finite minds no matter how we angle it.

Even now, in the desolation that is Haiti, God sends His provision, meeting needs both physical and spiritual, sending with those that go the message of hope in Jesus. I cannot recount the number of people who have said that it was in the pain and loss of their lives that God showed up. I know it to be true in my own life. He brings beauty from ashes and life where there is death. He is at home with the suffering (look at the Cross.) It is His character, who He reveals Himself to be, that is the basis for how I see the world. I do not look at the world and so assess God according to my own limited understanding, putting myself in the position of God (which we prefer to do, honestly. Easier. Much more control. Less frightening. yes?) And I certainly do not make judgements about the spiritual state of others and Gods' dealings with them...Pat Robertson.....moving right along.

My understanding of the "whys" is limited, but I know that I know what God is like and I am so, so grateful that He is that way....and not at all like Pat Robertson says He is.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts."
For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways."
Isaiah 55:6

(As an aside, for those of you who aren't sure about God, please, please pay no attention to the "Pat Robertsons" of the world as a reflection of what a christian is. You don't want to be put in a box, so please don't write every christian off because of poor behaving high profile figures claiming the name. I am really tired of that. It is like saying "I don't like Wendy's" and then so deciding all restaurants are bad.)

Do you know where your food comes from?

2009-09-08T16:06:00.003-04:00

The church has ignored this horrible issue for far too long. Here is a video from the HS.

The Humane Society: Eating Mercifully, a Christian perspective on factory farming.

Night Beauty..

2009-08-04T09:51:00.003-04:00

Last night I stood out on our balcony around 11 p.m. Only a full moon up in the vast, empty, dark sky. And rising like music all around I heard the comforting, exquisite chorus of the summer insects. How can such beauty mingle with such heinous ugliness? How can these exist in the same place? If I did not have the haven of God and His created realm to turn to, the presence of human brokeness might crush me.

Jesus IS our hope. He is our peace. I am grateful that He gives us glimpses of Heaven on earth in what He has created and in the rare and priceless act of selfless love.

The End of All Things

2009-08-03T10:18:00.006-04:00

There are times along the path of my life that I feel so crushed in my soul that I wonder how much longer I have to be here. It is as these times, I realize the limited capacity I have to tolerate suffering and evil. Some may call it "oversensitivity." I am not sure we can be "oversensitive." We certainly learn through the media to be callous and numb to the pain of others turning off our concern like a light switch and moving on with whatever concerns us in the moment. Surely, we live in a country that, for the most part, wallows in comfort.

I saw a thing a few days ago that shook me to my bare bones. I heard a thing that has haunted my idle moments, stolen my sleep and nauseated me for days. I struggle to get out from under it, and in me it uncovers a burning hatred for the Evil one and for the level of depravity that can be born out of the human soul. It has now become a means for the Enemy to plant a seed of despair in my heart. Though confident the Lord will bring me out, one thing is once again solid in my mind. We are not meant to be here in this fallen place, in such a sad, pathetic state and certainly, there dwells in us no good thing apart from the spirit of Christ. All of our self-serving pats on the back, each moment of pride at our so-called "acts of service" crumble in the Light of His perfection and devastating grace. If we dare lift up the carpet of our outward appearance, we will find a rotten hole. I can honestly say that today, I am waiting expectantly and hopefully for the end of all things.

2009-07-01T14:40:00.003-04:00

Feeling so unsettled today. A restless energy, perfectionist head space coupled with physical pain has me wrestling hard. The seed of doubt somehow burrowing into it all leaving me without a sense of place. I have four unfinished paintings screaming for attention and I wonder what God is doing to me this moment. With my mental bent towards productivity (good) and unproductivity (bad) I really am in a real mess. Just being and resting today is eluding me, so my only option in such a tight corner is to lean into Christ.

The Decalogue

2009-06-23T09:16:00.003-04:00

We often think of the Decalogue as a list of rules or regulations to restrict behavior. In legalistic circles this is exactly what they are and are often taken to extremes. Do's and don'ts, if you will. I was meditating today about the ten commandments and how much resistance to them there is from many directions. And ,you know, I am resistant to them as well as just a list of "what to do and not to do or else."

In our hyper individualistic western culture, we are highly sensitive to anyone telling us what to do or how to do it. We create our own truths based around our own experiences and are often self-centered. It is amazing what the law creates in us. It brings about rebellion. Paul speaks clearly about this over and over again in the epistles. Rebellion is the core of our nature.

When I read Exodus 20 or Deuteronomy 5, my immediate reaction is not positive due to my own rebellious and selfish nature.But as I look deeper, what I really see is relationship. Jesus said in Matthew 22 that love of God and love of your neighbor are the greatest commandments. He goes on to say that on these two rest the entire law and the prophets. The commandments are about RELATIONSHIP to God and to one another. When we think of others as more important than ourselves (Ephesians 2) and recognize God as our loving Maker (who "don't make no junk" if you know what I mean..) with the right and perfect nature to guide us, the commandments become a joy. Born out of love, motivated out of selflessness, we were given these words as a foundation to have a most blessed life.

Grace and Truth

2009-06-14T11:45:00.003-04:00

Do I want to be right or do I want to connect? Do I defend my position because know I am right or do I yield to anothers understanding because I want to build a bridge? Far too often I find most of us are on the font side of those questions. I certainly can feel strongly, be quite opinionated in many areas and certainly believe in truth, but as I move further along in life, as I walk longer with Christ, as He reveals more to me about Himself, what strikes me most is His brazen humility. As a matter of fact, there were many times He didn't respond or defend Himself. As the Source of all truth and wisdom, He certainly had the right to tell it like it is and "correct" those who He encountered, yet did not. What I see is Jesus stepping into the lives of others, making a connection in a grand display of humility.

James 3 says "The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits...." I often feel my christian family does not understand the Gospel and so the Name of God is blasphemed in the world. In our self-righteousness, we are so busy pointing out the sins of others, and correcting people we neglect to examine ourselves. This creates a breeding ground for arrogance and pride. We forget that we ALL, ALL have fallen short of God's perfection, we are ALL in the same boat and it is only the reconciliation Jesus bought for us that gets us out of that boat.

John tells us that Jesus is "full of grace (love) and truth (rightness)." Not just truth, not just rightness, not just facts, but also grace. We cannot have one without the other. When we learn to relate to others unlike us in an understanding manner, when we learn to empathize and to think of the other person as more important than ourselves, we connect. And an amazing thing happens. We are more likely to be heard because we have first listened. Truth, works, the law, is empty without grace.

1 Corinthians 13...every time I read this, I am so convicted and run to lean hard into Jesus:

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

What I want to know is how are you doing on that love thing?

All of Creation Groans

2009-05-27T23:09:00.006-04:00

I can't sleep. I tried, but the images of the evening have hijacked my sound mind. Regret weighs on me.

"Section 60" is about the area in Arlington Cemetery where casualties of the Iraq war are buried. Several funerals, along with many heartbreaking graveside visits with family members make up the film. Witnessing the intimate agony of moms, dads, wives and children of these lost soldiers is unbearable. One father visits his son's grave lying down on top of it for hours at a time.

"Running for their Lives" is a short that brings to light the common practice of shipping racehorses who cannot run fast enough off to auction and slaughter. The graphic nature of the footage left me sick to my stomach. The reality that the puntilla knife is still in use as a kill method is barbaric. I cannot believe anyone can treat animals in this atrocious manner.

And, now, hours later, I sit in my dark living room feeling the wretchedness that is mankind. When I hear the statement that mankind is "basically good," that humanistic standard of thought, I always wonder how in the world anyone comes to that conclusion, because if we were to step outside our comfortable, pre-packaged lives, we would see how ridiculous a statement this is. We lie to ourselves because we don't want to face who we are. And we don't see the real nature of our souls without the Light.

All of creation IS groaning and suffering because of us. Our inherent nature is to kill, rob and destroy. Animals, and humans, become throw-aways because they don't suit our needs and wants. And the overwhelming sorrow I feel about that this night has me wide awake. And though I know Jesus will return and all sorrow and suffering, pain and crying will be wiped out, it is almost too much to bear. The only hope we have as a human race is Christ and He cannot make all things new soon enough for me.

2009-04-18T10:13:00.005-04:00

Why do I choose animals as the subjects of my painting? Why do I feel so strongly about pairing animals with natural elements? Why does there seem to be a deep sense of connection in me to these things and an understanding of the harmony that exists among them? Even the fated brokeness of nature, brought about by humans from Eden until this very day cannot seem to overcome its beauty. On its own, apart from human interaction, I see the likeness of God. Imagination, balance, and "being." The natural world cannot be anything other than what it is. This is "beingness" if you will. Humans ruined this likeness of God in themselves long ago.

Shadows

2008-12-31T20:02:00.004-05:00

I am becoming more and more startlingly aware that I am unable to change myself. Thus, I am increasingly aware that I cannot save myself. I am often stunned by the ease with which I turn my eyes to other places even though I know where Life lives. And unless the Lord God delivers me, I will be a shadow in a vast sea of shadows. My life will be lived utterly blind to His awesome presence always drawn away to various shiny objects that in the end are a lie and an illusion their only glory a momentary flash reflected off a glass wall.

Yes, unless He comes and rescues me, I am without hope. Today, He told me, "I am the good shepherd." Does he not leave the flock to go after the one who has lost her way? My confidence is that He will and that I will once again be swept away.

Guest post from Carol Clarke

2008-10-26T16:40:00.002-04:00

Growing older is on my mind, as my 65Th is approaching. I used to wonder would I make it to 60 because my Mother and her Mother both died before they turned 60. That was before I knew the truth.

Psalm 139:16 says, "You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your Book!" I wish someone had told me that when I was younger. This verse gave great comfort after our 22 yr.old son was killed while duck hunting on Dec. 7, 1995. It took a while to accept that a strong, handsome, gentle Christian young man was ordained by the Lord to go live in Heaven after being shot in the back of his head. Then several of his friends reminded me he doesn't remember anything sad or bad when he woke up in Heaven. He is more alive than any ever. His life continues to be remembered by everyone who knew Philip and he will always be in our hearts. His brothers gave him a very loving memorial service sharing how much they all loved him. Also having his three brothers & their wives & five grandchildren gives a lot of joy to my husband & me. And the fact that all of them are Christians & solid citizens who have strong Christian values & Godly integrity brings immense satisfaction.

I may make it to 100 or 80 or less but regardless it is already recorded in "God's Book" and I have great peace that passes understanding that only a relationship with Jesus Christ gives me. So I am ready to live and ready to die the moment Jesus comes for me as Philip was and in the mean time I live with eternity in view. Oct. 30 would be Philip's 35Th birthday and I know he is with Jesus every day and they have joy beyond any we know here. I thank God every day for my adult children and for the way they have grown up so well.

CMC (Craig's mom)

Awake

2008-10-10T16:20:00.003-04:00

In the haze of the day the mercy and grace of God seeps in and I am once again aware of the massive, and unfathomable presence of Christ in my life.
Here, today in the midst of the material, solid mass of shiny things innumerable ever present to catch my attention each second lives Jesus. Right here, now.
May I have the presence of mind in the moment that exists to turn all my thoughts to Him who has unleashed a wondrous wave of all that has meaning and all that is lasting in my life.

God's thumbnail sketches.....

2008-08-08T11:08:00.005-04:00

Driving home from walking a client's dog this morning I was thinking about how fall-like the temperature is for August. The sky was so clear and the colors of the trees so vibrant. Fall is my absolute favorite time of year and I literally count the days to it's arrival. As I was driving and meditating over my love affair with the outdoors, 1 Corinthians 2:9 came to my mind:

"Things which the eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him."

I conjunction with a new painting I have been mulling over Romans 8, particularly verse 22:

"For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now."

I usually think of Jesus' words about mansions when I think of the Corinthians verses, but today these and the Romans verse remind me of a new heaven and a new earth spoken of by Peter and Isaiah.

I am stunned by the reality that as beautiful as the creation is, as wonderful as all that we can see is, there will be a time when God recreates the whole thing in a way that we can never even imagine. And it is true, because I cannot imagine a day more beautiful than this morning and sights more amazing than the Canadian Rockies or the Grand Canyon. Yet the Romans verse reminds me that even in all it's glory, we still see the corruption, the groaning of the created underneath the beauty. I suppose those perfect glimpses as wondrous and momentary a they are may be God's gift of a small thumbnail sketch of what is to come.

The wisdom of Rich Mullins....

2008-07-01T13:59:00.002-04:00

I am about to turn 40 in a few weeks...which is totally bizarre. I feel like I am 25. While cooling off from a morning run, I reached for my book of Rich Mullin's writings and this is what I read from 1995.

These words are SO very true, so all of you teen and twenty somethings read it TWICE.

"By the time you get this issue of RELEASE and read (if you do read) this little essay of mine, I will have celebrated my fortieth birthday. In my mid to late twenties I had some romantic, highly exaggerated notions about an early death - taking off at 33 - joining the company of Mozart, Foster, Jesus and other immortals who checked out in their early thirties. But this was a party I didn't get an invitation to - a gang I didn't belong in (me not being a genius and all). So, in Chicago I had my own party - celebrating the fun of being alive as opposed to the mystique of having an untimely death.

Because it's better to be alive than to be dead - that's for sure. And believe it or not - there are certain advantages in being 40 over being 18. Of course, there are certain disadvantages too, but - in keeping with the spirit of the 90's, I don't mind viewing those "disadvantages" as "challenges." Paul, I think had the perfect take on the pluses and minuses of life and death - "to live is Christ, to die is gain," so, that having been settled, I have made out a list of credits and debits about being younger and older - an issue that didn't seem as large or confused in the first century as it does at the end of the 20th:

At 18, if you have oversized aspirations, the whole world sees you as a dreamer. At 40, you get a reputation for being a visionary. (this is absolutely the truth in my life....TC)

At 18, if you've thrown in the towel, you're called a loser. At 40, you're called down-to-earth, a realist.

At 18, if you play in the rain or howl at the moon, if you paint or invent or compose songs or poems, you're accused of being childish. At 40, you are praised for being childlike.

At 18, time fits you like a pair of pants big enough to swim in. At 40, time fits so tight you can't button it's collar.

At 18, your sails are full. At 40, your rudder runs deep.

At 18, people misjudge your character flaws as being mere bad habits that they might change. At 40, people misjudge every bad habit as being the mark of weak character and they either dismiss you as being a lesson in reprobation or just accept you as a friend. Anyway, you graduate from being a missionary project into being either a lost cause or one of the gang.

At 18, no one knows as much as you. At 40, you begin to understand the wisdom of Solomon in his saying:
"Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise - why destroy yourself? Do not be overwicked and do not be a fool - why die before your time? It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." - Ecclesiastes 7:16-18.

So, stay alive. "A living dog is better than a dead lion" - and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL OF YOU FROM ME."

The Pressure Washers meant it for Evil but God meant it for Good

2008-06-16T13:23:00.006-04:00

For the last several weeks, a pair of barn swallows have been tirelessly building a mud nest on one of the fire sprinklers in the breezeway outside my door. Over the days Craig and I have watched that nest build a little at a time as these tiny birds bring tiny bits of mud and twigs and make their nest. Last week for several days the female was nesting, resting quietly in her work and I suppose waiting for the next step.

Last Friday the building was pressure washed and the nest was cruelly sprayed away in a matter of seconds. I watched the pair fly around the site and through the breezeway for a few days searching desperately for their nest. They seemed confused and I was certain that in a few days they would be gone. I wondered whether they missed the window of opportunity to mate and lay eggs. After all, this all seems to be a delicate process easily thrown out of balance.

Within a day those two little birds began again. From the first little blob of mud, they started over doing what they were made to do. The Lord put in them the desire to build a nest and the ability to do it, yet when all their hard work literally turned to a mud puddle, they began again.

I often feel confused after a seeming failure and I am tempted to give up completely. Even to doubt my call. But I know what the Lord has made me to do, what He has taught me to do and what He has called me to do. And when it appears to my eyes like all has been for nothing, I must start again, and again. I know this lesson is for me....God help me to remember it when the pressure washers show up.

For now we see through a glass darkly....

2008-05-15T11:47:00.003-04:00

That glass can be so very dark at times. Even in the day to day...in the place of waiting, not just in the times of trial. I wear those glasses well, and it seems a rare thing when I get a momentary glimpse of God's glory, a flash of Him as He really is without my distorted vision and it as gone. I return to my limited sight which can be disheartening. As long as I am in this flesh will I always debase Him? Will I allow the wounds of the past to define Him? Can I not for one moment as the Message puts it "stick it out with Him for one hour?"

2008-04-16T09:29:00.004-04:00

Being an integrated person, meaning a genuine bond between body and mind, I struggle a lot with thoughts of a rift in my spiritual life if I don't feel great physically or emotionally.
I am there this week. The depression, my old friend who has been calling on and off since I can remember, visits again this week and seemingly in a new and "improved" force. It is a battle to remember that all is well in the unseen even though it is rocky in the seen and felt. I wonder if I will EVER learn this truth. It takes a very conscious effort to stay on the truth in this place. When the apathy sets in like concrete every arrow imaginable lets loose.

I was supposed to meet my mom in Atlanta today to spend few days with my sister and her kids. Mom is sick, so the trip is postponed. I think was are all sad about it, particularly the kids. They have experienced a lot of disappointment in the last few years, so it is painful for me to think of more disappointment for them.

I woke up with Ayiesha Woods' song "Big Enough" in my head, turned on the radio and it was playing......ended up at 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 somehow through a rather frustrating prayer time.
These wondrous ways that God speaks to me.....reminding me again, and again, and again with such patience.

"You turned water into wine - how extraordinary
Gave sight to the blind - and still I carry My own load
when you told me To take your yoke ‘cause yours is easy
And even though my issues seem trivial
You alone are never too imperial
It's just the way that you love me
It's enough to convince me

And I don't wanna box you in
You've been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don't wanna believe
That you're big enough - but you're big enough yeah!
I don't wanna box you in
You've been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don't understand that you're big enough
But you're big enough Jesus!

You turned darkness into light - keep my lamp burning
And you are my everything
There's no denying, your love is so amazing
And even though my problems seem typical
Nothing for you is ever too difficult
You never have reservations - love without limitations

And I don't wanna box you in
You've been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don't wanna believe
That you're big enough - but you're big enough yeah!
And I don't wanna box you in
You've been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don't understand
That you're big enough - but you're big enough

Oh, no matter how I try to get around it - I'm reminded
Wherever I go I'm totally surrounded
It's all about you - I can never doubt you
Even if I wanted to…..."

2008-04-11T11:26:00.003-04:00

I don't think this organized religion thing is working out...........

I am meditating a lot on the essential mix of grace and truth in these weeks. I see a serious lack of one or the other in the church, in myself........

In our quest to be correct, to be right, to mark off our checklist we become the very pharisees we claim to hate.

I have been praying to see the gospel and understand it in its pristine form.

"Be God's......"

2008-02-01T12:02:00.000-05:00

We like to be needed. Some of us need to be needed. Many of us believe that God needs us.

I like to be productive. I come by it naturally. Yet in this first month of 2008 I have found my productivity to be driven by guilt. Most of you are familiar with this low grade guilt when you haven't done enough, said enough, produced enough, learned enough. I understand that we were created to do work, serve and learn and that these are good things in balance, yet we were also created to eat, to sleep, to have fun and have reltionships. These are all wonderful yet I have a bent to go to the extreme with all of them. Some is not enough until I find I am swinging way to the left or right on any one of these good things. Extremes come naturally to all of us in our quest to fill ourselves up with anything other than the Lord.

God came to me in the attic of an old rental house in Decatur Georga. It was there that I was saved. I went to the nearest church and told the pastor and for the next few years attended that little church. And though there were wonderful things about it I still struggle with the echos of the "main theme" of that denomination: getting busy for God. I moved on to another denomination whose main them is having God all figured out. Both of these themes are like a feast to the my flesh and they all serve to distract me from our relationship with Jesus on subtle ways. Notice how much more spiritual we think people are who do a lot for God and know a lot about God. It is an illusion. In our over extended, over informed western church our relationships with God are quite shallow. I am not saying that service and theology are not important, yet I should ask myself if these are quietly replacing intimacy with God.

I have been praying about what God wants me to do in 2008. Agonizing over it, really. I realized I have been responding to the two messages planted in me by well meaning organizations, even traditions of man. How much is enough? How much prayer and bible study is enough? How many good works are enough? How much service is enough? How much theology is enough?When am I so bloated from the information and activities that I have gained and checked off that I have forgotten what it means to love God. To love others. I heard someone say that looking like the world used to be about drinking, dancing and swearing. These days the way the church looks like the world is by being busy. I absolutely agree.

I am once again looking very closely at 1 corinthinans 13, as it God brings it to my attention repeatedly. Once again looking at the greatest commandment and seeing again my lack of love for God and for others. Back to the beginning I return to start over. And the words of Rich Mullins speak so clearly to me: "Be God's."

God's snowstorm

2008-01-15T12:31:00.000-05:00

taken after I got in from my run.....

I have heard many times God's grace described as infinite and abounding and His love as vast and immeasurable. Today I got a concrete real time image of those truth.

When I started my run today is was partly cloudy, cold and we were expecting some snow flurries sometime this afternoon. About ten minutes into my run the wind began to whip and I saw in the distance this massive cluster of dark clouds. I have run in all sorts of weather so I wasn't alarmed nor did it deter me and send me running home. Then I began to see like snowflakes, then more and still more until is was running in a snowstorm. It occurred to me that THIS is like the grace and love of God. A million tiny pieces of light, of grace and love surrounding me from every direction. It seemed the Lord was saying "This is how many times I have loved you. This is the abundance of my grace to you. " It was such a powerful image and lesson.

Though I came home covered in snow and wet and I am certain people thought I was out of my mind I am so glad I stuck it out. It is amazing where God will meet us and I am learning it is everywhere......

Did I forget tell you that He loved lilies?

2008-01-12T15:15:00.000-05:00

As an artist I often struggle with the validity of my work. In the grand scheme of the Kingdom and in this present world the work seems so inconsequential and impractical. I wonder how God can be even remotely interested in what I create. People are starving, suffering greatly the world over. And even in our comfortable and abundant western lives we only have to turn on the news or even just look at the people we know to see the immensity of what it means to live in a fallen world. I am overwhelmed by that reality today.

So I wonder......and then I read something by Rich Mullins this afternoon. He was reflecting on the Sermon on the Mount specifically the lilies of the field, the sparrows and God's provision. My usual way of reading this passage is of course from the lens of just that: God's provision. Yet, Rich begins his writing with "Did I forget to tell you that He loved lilies?" This is an unusual way to think about his passage, but the word is alive.....

God is not practical (remember the vial of perfume?)It is not practical to so clothe the grasses which are here today and gone tomorrow. If fact I might consider it a waste of God's energy. Yet, He has taken the time to do such a thing to reveal to us just how vast His interest is in ALL things concerning creation. And how many sparrows are there in the world? He feeds them and as a matter of fact He knows when the life of one is over.

I am so aware today just how dim the glass is and how distorted my vision is when I see Him. He gives us these fleeting glimpses like a sparkle in our peripheral vision that is gone in an instant. Who is this God?!!! How is it possible that He can show such care for such things??!! The grasses and sparrows are not practical yet they are a grand display of the Lord's beautifully extravagant, intimate care.

You are not alone

2008-01-03T14:42:00.000-05:00

I am always in awe every moment that I suddenly become aware of the presence of the Lord here and now even in my mundane work. As soon as my eyes open in the morning I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit like another person in the room though unseen. It is hard to put into words......
Of course this is the truth of John 14:16 - 21 in real concrete life.

16"I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever;

17that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.

18"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

19"After a little while the world will no longer see Me, but you will see Me; because I live, you will live also.

20"In that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you.

21"He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him."

How amazing it is that he Lord of Glory chooses to live with and in me at every moment in every task. Because of this precious gift we live always before Him. Our day to day lives are a miraculous intimate communion with the Lord who made all thing and holds all things together by the power of His being. I am completely in awe of that truth today and it shakes me out of my complacency and gives me great comfort....even while vacuuming.

Repenting in ashes......

2007-09-11T09:39:00.000-04:00

The world seems strangely transparent today in light of the obvious. My life appears very small to me in these hours and I look my own arrogance and lack of understanding in the face.

In revisiting the events of 9-11 and mulling a bit on the disturbing covert actions of Iran and their meshugana president Ahmadinejad alone and with Russia, I feel out of body at the moment. And as I begin to feel that sense of dread knowing that there will indeed be an end to all things I fix my eyes on God who holds all things together by the word of His power. I am aware that these things have already been spoken of in scripture in particular in the book of Ezekiel. I remind myself that the LORD does not reveal these events to frighten those who are His but to graciously give us awareness so that we can be about His business.

Joel Rosenberg's blog is pertinent:

http://joelrosenberg.blogspot.com/2005/05/war-of-gog-and-magog-understanding.html

Guest Post by Wren: Thoughts on "Will the visible overcome the invisible?"

2007-04-11T06:55:00.000-04:00

Excellent questions! A few years ago I was riveted by II Peter 1:5-11. In verse 5, the Apostle commands us to "make EVERY effort" to add to our faith, to add to our goodness, to add to our knowledge, to add to our self-control, to add to our perseverance, to add to our godliness, to add to our brotherly kindness, and to add to our love; and then he tells us why this command is so crucial: "For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." (II Pe 1:8) Here is the very point you were making. Many of us profess faith in Christ, but often our lives are "ineffective and unproductive." The reason, according to this passage, is that we are not making any effort (or enough effort) to add anything to our faith, to our goodness, to our knowledge, to our self-control, to our perseverance, to our godliness, to our brotherly kindness, or to our love. Or perhaps we're content to add to our knowledge (it is so easy to close the door and study), but we're avoiding adding anything to our brotherly kindness or to our self-control.

The next verse is stunning: "But if anyone does not have them [these qualities in increasing measure], he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sin." Phew. Not simply lazy. Not simply idle. The messenger of Christ calls us "nearsighted and blind" when we fail (or refuse) to add to our walk. He says we have forgotten what Christ has done for us. That is a heavy conclusion.

But he does not stop there! Verse 10 has a promise that is too good to believe (but Scripture is true, so we can (and must) believe it!): "For if you do these things, you will NEVER FALL..." Never fall? Never?

No wonder the writer of Hebrews exhorts us to RUN with perseverance the race set before us (He 12:1)! We learn from this passage in II Peter that the very running of the race produces fruitfulness and protects us from falling. No wonder David writes joyfully, "I RUN in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." (Psalm 119:32)

Wren

Will the visible overcome the invisible?

2007-03-25T12:13:00.000-04:00

Why do some Christians seem to be able to more fully express the life of Christ than others? Why is it that folks who have called themselves by the name of Christ for most of their lives produce so little fruit? Why do some who haven't known Him for long seem to ooze Christ from their pores? I have long wondered about this strange observance. I know that there are probably many reasons why a believer does not seem to grow and I certainly do not intend to over simplify the complexity of human beings.

We are by nature autonomous or at least like to think we are. We don't like anyone telling us what to do or how to do it and we certainly think we can figure life out on our own. I have already learned myself of the danger of living out of my feelings. Indeed we do not perceive reality as it really is but we perceive our perception of reality. That perception is colored and tinted by many, many factors. This is why the scripture speaks so plainly about renewing the mind with the truth. We do not know who we are without the truth. Without truth we are completely under the power of feelings, and perceptions that usually come out of our family origins.

A friend reminded me of Proverbs 27:17: "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." She stated that a big problem is that many of us are rubbing up against plastic, not iron. We do not have other people who are challenging us in all areas of our lives and spurring us on in the pursuit of God. We have superficial relationships that center around common interests or mutual arm's length interaction.

At the moment I am reading Kenneth Boa's book "That I May Know God." He states that we must live life with consistent discipline and exposure to the word within the context of the fellowship of like-minded believers. Without these "the visible will overcome the invisible." This is a profound statement.

In our time we live under the tyranny of the urgent, or at least what we deem urgent, and we are impatient. If we live in this way the temporal will slowly overcome the eternal in our lives. There are so many things determined to have our attention each day. Some of these things are good and some are not so good. Work, accumulation and entertainment have taken the place of seeking God and His people. Though my own life is rather simple in comparison to the lives of others who are raising children or have more responsibilities, I still have to fight to discipline myself to turn and face the Lord daily instead of chasing after whatever shiny thing happens to catch my attention each day. Some days it is easier than other days and some days I fail. But I find an emptiness and dissatisfaction in my life when I have spent my days focused solely on the temporal and have failed to connect with other believers and get the word of God into my heart and mind.

God of Life or god of comfort?

2007-03-13T19:09:00.001-04:00

While doing a petsit job I picked up the home owner's copy of "My Utmost for His Highest" that was on an end table. I haven't used that particular devotional in many years.
I opened to the entry for March 12th and began to read.

March 12, 2007
Total Surrender
Peter began to say to Him, ’See, we have left all and followed You’ —Mark 10:28

Our Lord replies to this statement of Peter by saying that this surrender is "for My sake and the gospel’s" (10:29). It was not for the purpose of what the disciples themselves would get out of it. Beware of surrender that is motivated by personal benefits that may result. For example, "I’m going to give myself to God because I want to be delivered from sin, because I want to be made holy." Being delivered from sin and being made holy are the result of being right with God, but surrender resulting from this kind of thinking is certainly not the true nature of Christianity. Our motive for surrender should not be for any personal gain at all. We have become so self-centered that we go to God only for something from Him, and not for God Himself. It is like saying, "No, Lord, I don’t want you; I want myself. But I do want You to clean me and fill me with Your Holy Spirit. I want to be on display in Your showcase so I can say, ’This is what God has done for me.’ " Gaining heaven, being delivered from sin, and being made useful to God are things that should never even be a consideration in real surrender. Genuine total surrender is a personal sovereign preference for Jesus Christ Himself.
Where does Jesus Christ figure in when we have a concern about our natural relationships? Most of us will desert Him with this excuse—"Yes, Lord, I heard you call me, but my family needs me and I have my own interests. I just can’t go any further" . "Then," Jesus says, "you ’cannot be My disciple’ ".
True surrender will always go beyond natural devotion. If we will only give up, God will surrender Himself to embrace all those around us and will meet their needs, which were created by our surrender. Beware of stopping anywhere short of total surrender to God. Most of us have only a vision of what this really means, but have never truly experienced it.

Ouch. I have recently learned that I am a perfectionist. Though initially shocked at this assertion by my counselor, I am beginning to see evidences of it everywhere in my life. The place I did not recognize it prior is in my relationship with the Lord. I often lament and cry out to God to change me, to help me overcome my sinfulness, to make me more useful. I realized upon that reading that I was asking God to make me perfect. If I am perfect then I won't have to be embarassed, or be uncomfortable, I won't have to risk anything. Now, I know in and of themselves these requests may very well be good but I also know everything I do is peppered with the flesh, that my own heart is deceitful (maybe God can fix that, too...) and that I am naturally always looking to be in control somewhere in my life so that I can FEEL BETTER. My prayers have more to do with this motivation than becoming more like Christ. I am aware that He understands this fully and in His mercy continues to answer, yet this entry uncovered a drive in me that has little to do with the glory of God and a lot to do with my desire to fix myself and again, to FEEL BETTER. I see another area in my life where I seek out the god of comfort instead of the God of life. Again.......ouch.

The Four Living Beings

2007-02-21T21:07:00.000-05:00

Each time I happen across Ezekiel chapter one, as I did a few days ago, I instantly receive perspective. The passage has no obvious promises or specific theological revelation, yet when I take this glimpse into God's realm I become overwhelmed by this awesome and holy expression of creativity. I am stopped in my tracks and captivated by that which I have no ability to comprehend. Every word is replete with meaning and purpose, yet I do not understand. I can only read the words again and again with the resounding echo of "Holy, Holy....." in my ears.
Who is his God?! How have I diminished Him in my heart and mind? Can I even begin to comprehend Him AT ALL? How often I try to squeeze him into my little boxes stored neatly away to open as needed. How little I worship Him because I am too busy asking Him to meet my requests.

".....a storm wind was coming from the north, a great cloud with fire flashing forth continually and a bright light around it, and in its midst something like glowing metal in the midst of the fire. Within it there were figures resembling four living beings.......each had the face of a man; all four had the face of a lion on the right and the face of a bull on the left, and all four had the face of an eagle. "

Read the chapter and then read it again. Then consider who or what you might have made God in you own mind.....

Deer in the headlights

2007-01-31T19:33:00.000-05:00

I am always so disappointed to see how slowly I change and grow. It is a product of growing up in the west where product is what it is all about. It is also a manafestation of the sinful desire to be in control. I seem to struggle with the same issues again and again. That recurrence makes me anxious and I begin to search myself for the why and why not over an issue. The scrutiny only uncovers more issues which in turn breeds more anxiety or more likely for my temperment, depression. Then I begin to freeze. Almost like a deer paralyzed by headlights I cannot get my eyes off of my problems. I become completely self focused, miserable and totally fruitless.

This is what the scripture speaks of when we set our minds on the flesh and the mind set on the flesh is death. The flesh is all about the self whether it in its relationship to others, ourselves or to God. I happen to have a judging sort of flesh so I list to myself all sorts of standards I need to meet, hence the aforementioned self examination. I am so convincing I even tell myself, "The Lord could make better use of me if I didn't have this issue." A good motivation, yes? It leads to death.

The word says implicitly that God will complete what He began in each of us and that He predestined us to be conformed to the image of Christ. I am convinced that what I do hinders that process because of my desire to control, be instantly gratified and feel better about myself, which is basically pretending to BE God.

Again and again we are called to do exactly the opposite of our nature: to surrender, to offer ourselves up, to relenquish control. It is a great paradox as most of God's principles are. It is not a place of "letting go and letting God" (I hate the phrase because it is a lie), but it is a place of becoming a child looking into the eyes of the Father waiting expectantly for what He wants to create in each of our lives. We are His workmanship.

Guest Post From watermirror00

2007-01-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

I'm finding that in an artistic journey with God, the enemy is all too often ourselves. We paralyze ourselves with fear and doubt, first when it comes to our work and second when it comes to success, instead of celebrating these precious gifts He's given to us to use for His kingdom. Even beyond that, do we celebrate who we are as children of God, let alone with our abilities or identities?

I studied Jeremiah 29:11 amongst other passages and there's the familiar verse of Him with plans to prosper and not to harm us, but the key here is how pro-active we are. After it says He promises to give us a hope and a future, he THEN says, "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you, delcares the Lord, and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
I have found that I have often had to put aside my ambitions or even what is natural to me to hear what God has in store...how our everyday lifestyles crowd out His still small voice. God speaks to all of us through His Word about aligning our priorities back into His, and sometimes it's unpleasant and convicting. But through it all I find that the Lord really does take such great pleasure in us...He delights in us as His people and only wants us to reach our full potential.
I am in it right now too. Even with resources in place to further success, I have been frustrated at the lack of results or where I want to go, how burdensome it has become to drum up the promotion and leave time to write, most of all feel like I'm making a difference to Him. But I still have faith that He's going to bring His will to pass, it is up to me to obey and listen...

Walking on water

2007-01-09T10:36:00.000-05:00

I have been wrestling with my artisitic call over the last month walking away from the easel and living in a strange yet familiar place.

Over my quiet time last week an image of Peter standing out on the water flashed across my mind as if the Lord said to me,
"You are like Peter. You begin to look all around you hoping in your footing instead of relying on me, become overwhelmed by fear and run towards the boat. This is your pattern."
That boat is the symbol of apathy for me and the water is God's call on my life. This call can create in me all manner of fear because it is unreliable and unstalbe. It is an ocean, though calm and clear when I am in the place of faith, that can quickly turn into a tumultuous sea of doubt that uncovers my deep seated desire for control. It also reveals the cracks in my faith.

I have been in the boat for several weeks. Although it is a safe place, it lies to me whispering to that somehow this is better just like Mrs Victor in "Empire of the Sun." Captured British residents journey from one internment camp to another across China and come to a dumping field covered in opulent furniture. In her weakened state Mrs Victor is convinced that staying there among things remnicent of her life before the Japanese invasion is better than moving on to a place where there is food and shelter. The fear of what could happen or what has happened is too great though it means preserving her life. She dies there on her beautiful velvet chair. I am on the chair but unlike Mrs Victor I KNOW the chair means death (no pun intended.)

I have now turned to face Jesus again. I can see Him out there in it where He lives. IN IT. Now I must contend with His words. He does not say, "Tracey, would you like to step on on the water?" or "Hey, why don't you think about coming out of the boat?" No, no, He says, "Come." My choice now is to decide whether or not to obey. God help me.

The good fruit of goodness

2006-11-22T14:50:00.000-05:00

There has been a recurrence of scripture about respondsibility for the gifts of God in my study this week. Isaiah 58:6-11 to be exact along with the ones from Matthew.

My tendency is to become overwhelmed and begin to examine all the things that I am not doing and to question from every concievable angle what it is I am supposed to do. My flesh and the enemy are continually pushing to get my focus off of the things I KNOW to do by getting my thoughts on what I am unsure of, of what is unclear. I can begin to count all the ways I am failing and that in and of itself causes failure. In me that intense self examination causes paralysis, because I can find "no good thing."

The study I am currently in on the fruit of the spirit explains the word "goodness" as active. Goodness is a working out. (And it isn't just being nice and not rocking the boat. In fact goodness often expresses itself through confrontation. Just look at some of the things Jesus did and said to confirm.) Goodness creates something. It is fruitful. Looking at the creation in Genesis God proclaimed His creations good. God's goodness, which is active, created good fruit. And not just fruit in the form of living beings. He called all of it good. Ocean and all.

So, all my wonderings about the validity of my creative gift and all it's ins and outs, how is matters, how in the world is it of any use are quelled for the moment. Could it be that the fruit (artwork) of His gift to me of creativity (artistry) is actually "good?"

Matthew 25 times two......

2006-11-20T20:54:00.000-05:00

Where to begin......
I have been in the presense of Matthew 25 twice in the last two days. Don't believe in coincidences and feel a little out of sorts about it.
I have waded in the water often with a lot of questions about God's call on my life, i.e. my art and where I fit into the body of Christ.
Here comes Matthew 25 speaking loud and clear about the working out into the world of the things that God has entrusted to us. Am I doing that? Heck, I am not even sure exactly what my "talents" are fully.
I don't feel great today. I might be on the downslope of a mountaintop I was living on over the summer. Maybe I should think on it later. I often lay heavy burdens upon myself when the atmospheres of God's word and my bad feelings collide. These two together are not conducive to breeding faith, yet I know that I know that faith is exactly what He means to grow in me. I can't seem to get there today. I will try again tomorrow. His mercies are new every morning.

traditionalism = death

2004-04-04T14:49:00.000-04:00

DEATH TO THE ART NAZI. Traditionalism is the death of the creative process. I am now convinced of this. The perpetuation of the elitist attitude in the world of art is the demise of real art. Art is one of the few wonders of the world that is completely subjective and the idea that an artist is only an artist if he or she completes a checklist of technical acrobatics is wholly antithetical to the heart and soul of the creative process! I liken it to religion. Do these things well and you are an artist… don’t do them or do them "poorly" (whatever that means) or have no interest in them and you cannot possibly be an artist. Ah! The pharisees and the true followers…. very distinct.