So, I made it through the first round of high dose Temodar. I came out relatively unscathed. Most of the battle with taking chemo, essentially a poison, is mental. I think I had my defiant crying jag the first night. "I'm just not going to take that crap! I don't want to put {explicative} poison in my body!"
My wise husband quietly replied, "Well, you can take it or die. So, you are going to take it." He was right. Actually, now that I think of it, almost all of this is mental.
I am limited, extremely limited, in my ability to comprehend the complexities of life and how to live it. I lie to myself. We all do. I try to figure out things by my own distorted reasoning. Yes, the Temodar is doing damage, but it is also destroying the very enemy that sent me to the ER in July.
I have to ask myself moment by moment in this brain cancer if I trust God more than I trust myself. Sometimes I fail like the first night of HDC. Or when I start to get a headache, or think too much on my last MRI. When I look at how drastically different and limited my life is today than just a few months ago. He is who He says He is and He does not change. And because I am His in Christ Jesus I absolutely believe He causes ALL things to work together for good for those who love Him and are CALLED according to His purpose. When I think on the times I have grown and changed it has always, always been through adversity and pain. Most people can claim this truth in their lives, as well. From the beginning I knew this path was chosen for me and for Craig.
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." Romans 8:18-25
3 comments:
You are a strong woman.
"rejoice in Christ Jesus, and have no confidence in the flesh, 4 though I also might have confidence in the flesh. If anyone else thinks he may have confidence in the flesh, I more so: 5 circumcised the eighth day, of the stock of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of the Hebrews; concerning the law, a Pharisee; 6 concerning zeal, persecuting the church; concerning the righteousness which is in the law, blameless.
7 But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. 8 Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, 11 if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians3:3-13
Press on sweet warrior.
Thank you for sharing your story.... It saved my life tonight.
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