A Sunny Clearing

We are eight months into this journey of bitter sweetness. At times, it seems like we have been moving down this varied terrain for much longer. From the mysterious deep and treacherous wilderness, into the valley of the shadow of death and on through the exhausting dry and windswept desert.

Our MRI results from last week shows a beautiful picture of “nothing new” and a slow choking out of the small recurrence after Gamma Knife. A great sigh of relief sent us rolling up I-85 towards home on a sunny “Tuesday Afternoon.” Looking out the window I thought of the song. Somehow the words and multi-colored melody exemplified how I was feeling……

“Tuesday afternoon,
I'm just beginning to see, now I'm on my way
It doesn't matter to me, chasing the clouds away.
Something, calls to me,
The trees are drawing me near, I've got to find out why?
Those gentle voices I hear, explain it all with a sigh.
I'm looking at myself reflections of my mind,
It's just the kind of day to leave myself behind…

Passing by at 60 mph I I see the sun reflecting in an explosion of a million shades and hues of wood and leaves….of shade and light. Like sentinels they pass by in a steady stream creating in me a sense of expectation and mysterious longing I cannot quite scratch the surface of. Then…..every random once in a while the woods thins out revealing an open field drenched in sunshine. At this time, we have now come out into the bright clearing. For a time. No one stays in the open bright clearing on this terra firma. But for now, the Lord has brought us here, where He sees fit by His wisdom. We are grateful to rest for the time allotted here. Though we have fought at times to be grateful and fearless in the wilderness and in the lonely desert I am confident that He is at work His incomparable glory and for our the good and the good of those who walk with us.

“The LORD is righteous in all His ways
And kind in all His deeds.
The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He will also hear their cry and will save them.
The LORD keeps all who love Him,
But all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD,
And all flesh will bless His holy name forever and ever…”

Psalm 145

Pressing Upward

I have been thinking lately how my life seems to be nothing more than a schedule of next medications, doctors and procedures. It seems every aspect and corner of my life has changed from the trajectory of my days to coming and going relationships. Some of these have been quite painful. No. Actually all of it has been painful, both physically and emotionally. But there are seasons for all things. I fully believe that now. Learning to let go is one of the most difficult things we will ever do whether it is something physical or relational.

One of the issues I am dealing with now is rebound inflammation. This is an unfortunate result of long term use of steroids. In short, Decadron suppresses the metabolism of omega fats and once discontinued the body is hit with unmetabolized fats that result in inflammation. So I have very bad joint and muscle pain. You could say I am like an arthritic. Some days are worse than others. The key is to focus on the truth of God's promises regardless of what things appear to be. When I am in that funk, not wanting to get out of bed or feeling afraid of the new IV drug I am taking, or when I begin to wonder how things will go for me, I must discipline my mind. Sometimes it takes me a few hours to get there, sometimes a few days. Let me tell you, this is much, much more difficult than disciplining the body. No contest. A friend said to me recently, "The battle for your body is only minor compared to the battle for your confidence in Jesus." So when all appears dark, the light of Christ and who He is"......Word. Any hope or confidence I put in what I see is a wasted hope, a worthless confidence since every thing we see will be gone someday. You will die, that flat screen you got for Christmas will end up in a landfill. So what are you hoping in? My body is already failing me. At 42, in the best shape and health of my life, Glioblastoma shows up. If I survive this journey, there will be something else down the road. My point is new pain, new potentially risky drugs.....I must learn to focus on the bigger design...the giant purpose written by God. If not I won't make it. I'll cave in under the weight of these physical and relational struggles.




Craig does a better job with details so here is the report on our trip to Duke last week.

"...we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4

Day Thirteen

On the canal path with Reuben this morning.

Mornings are usually the best for me. My goal is to get a good walk in before I have to take medication and head off to radiation.

Today was the first day I noticed a significant rise in fatigue after treatment. Typically, after the first few weeks fatigue increases and as I am moving into two weeks, this isn't a surprise. Monica, the radiation tech has been asking me about it for the last four treatments in a sort of knowing way perhaps trying to prepare me. I am praying that it won't be too debilitating. Dr. Poffenbarger referred to the middle weeks as "Gut check time." Gut check showed up in the form of frustration trying to get up the stairs to shower about ten p.m. as I felt a meltdown descend. I have learned to trun right to the Lord.

This I know that the loving kindness of the Lord is everlasting. Every moment of every day this is reality. It is my experience. The weaker I am, the more He shows up. And in that dissolving I cry out, and there He is.

Psalm 118

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His loving kindness is everlasting.
Oh let Israel say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”
Oh let the house of Aaron say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”
Oh let those who fear the LORD say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”

From my distress I called upon the LORD; The LORD answered me and set me in a large place.
The LORD is for me; I will not fear; What can man do to me?
The LORD is for me among those who help me; Therefore I will look with satisfaction on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the LORD Than to trust in princes. The LORD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.

The sound of joyful shouting and salvation is in the tents of the righteous;
The right hand of the LORD does valiantly. The right hand of the LORD is exalted;
The right hand of the LORD does valiantly. I will not die, but live,
And tell of the works of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.

Open to me the gates of righteousness; I shall enter through them, I shall give thanks to the LORD. This is the gate of the LORD; The righteous will enter through it.
I shall give thanks to You, for You have answered me, And You have become my salvation.

The stone which the builders rejected Has become the chief corner stone.
This is the LORD’S doing; It is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day which the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it. O LORD, do save, we beseech You;
O LORD, we beseech You, do send prosperity! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the LORD;

We have blessed you from the house of the LORD. The LORD is God, and He has given us light;
Bind the festival sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar.
You are my God, and I give thanks to You; You are my God, I extol You.
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His loving kindness is everlasting."

flowers along the canal path

Day Seven

The Machine.

Today was a hard day of battling headache and fatigue. I never could quite get any naps in.
But......

Lamentations 3:22-25

"The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I have hope in Him.”
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the person who seeks Him."

Day Six

I don't know how I feel today, other than I have a bad headache and my eyes hurt. Those who know me, know me to be very independent. My life in many ways has become a strict regime of timed medications and insomnia interrupted cat naps. It has become a daily schedule of radiation, chemotherapy and a complete reliance on others to drive me anywhere. Most of the things I could do before GBM I cannot do for now. As a person who has wrestled with depression, I have mulled over the possibility of a visit from "darkness, my old friend" while going through treatment. I struggle with the medication. Today, I have to work hard to focus on the positive realities of the drugs and not the very real negatives that also come along with them.

In His mercy and goodness (yes, I said mercy and goodness) I have been confined and forced into utter dependence. I believe I have been healed of GBM. Ultimately, the Lord will make that decision according to His perfect will that extends far, far beyond my small life. He has turned my life over and over in His hand like a stone. I am learning quickly the priceless treasure of what is eternal and on what truly has value. You idea of control over your life is an illusion. Make no mistake. Like Matt Chandler said "We are all terminal."

Psalm 86
A Psalm of Supplication and Trust.

"Incline Your ear, O LORD, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy.
Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man;
O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You.
Be gracious to me, O Lord,
For to You I cry all day long.
Make glad the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.

Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer;
And give heed to the voice of my supplications!
In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me.
There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,
Nor are there any works like Yours.

All nations whom You have made shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And they shall glorify Your name.
For You are great and do wondrous deeds;
You alone are God.

Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,

And will glorify Your name forever.
¹³ For Your lovingkindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

O God, arrogant men have risen up against me,
And a band of violent men have sought my life,
And they have not set You before them.
But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth.

Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Oh grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your handmaid.
Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me."

Day Five

I got a fairly immediate headache after radiation today. I tried preemptive Tylenol which did help for a while. My attempt at a nap when back home failed. I guess I was kind of wired thinking about the headache and weird eye sensitivity I have had for the last few days.

About two p.m. I was dozing on the day and heard footsteps on the roof. Someone came over and cleaned our gutters. I have no idea who. The sacrifice of neighbors and even strangers has been stunning to us and the wreckless manner in which God has poured out abundantly on top of our heads is overwhelming.

A few nights ago in my insomnia I began to talk to the Lord about how amazing the medical technology available to us is in current days. Just a few years ago with this diagnosis I would have been told to enjoy what short time I have left to live. He said "I freely give without measure. This is who I am. I want you to freely give as I have freely given. I saw a windshield, a glass, wet with clear water being wiped clean.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity."

Glioblastoma Multiforme Arrives

It is about three in the morning thanks and to the last month's journey and I am awake in more ways than one.

I have been mulling over how to write about the flooding hurricane that has been the last four weeks. Do I even want to? How much should I share? But my commitment to vulnerability and openness of myself and especially my faith in Jesus Christ propels me forward. You'll just have to bear with a painter attempting to write and then come to your own conclusions. I am fine with whatever they may be. I love and am friend to many kinds of people with all sorts of world and spiritual views, but under the circumstances given the massive work I see God clearly accomplishing beyond myself I must be honest with you all. And, I am prepared as well for your honesty.

The first thing I want to link to is my story which you can read in the previous post called "The Gospel." It is my journey of faith which began in 1994. Actually, it was a downright supernatural conversion accomplished within a matter of days. Overnight.

So, here we are now. On July 21st a series of focal seizures sent me to the ER, a CT scan showed a tumor. Within a week, I was admitted to the hospital, diagnosed with a brain tumor, stabilized on I.V meds, and had a complete resection craniotomy. Pathology revealed Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM). This is the most aggressive and malignant of brain tumors. I began six weeks of radiation and chemotherapy last week. My plan is to write about each day. I welcome your comments and thoughts.






My husband, Craig, has been keeping a thorough Caring Bridge journal specifics here if you'd like to read the entire story of the last six weeks.

Haiti

When there is a cataclysmic event in our history, it is only natural for us to talk about God. One thing is for sure, a natural disaster that takes out thousands of people in an instant brings our fears and doubts up to the surface. I have wrestled myself, just as I did with 9-11, with the Indian Ocean tsunami and various atrocities committed upon the innocent.

Over the last several days, I have read and heard many thoughts and opinions about God in relationship to the Haiti earthquake. Some have angered me, some saddened me, others have helped solidify my faith in the God I have known for the last 15 years. It is unfortunate that a few of the comments that angered AND saddened me came forth from the mouths of professing Christians. In particular, the misuse of scripture in to explain this situation, is upsetting. (Principle of interpretation: biblical hermeneutics, analogy of faith...context, context, context, people. Another post for another day....)

I wonder why so many people abandon any notion of God, why they become so hostile, why they are so confused, why they, and rightly so, want "nothing to do" with the God many Christians proclaim. I am not speaking of being perfect here. None of us are, but it pains me deeply to know the Person of Christ intimately and to see Him dragged through the mud by religious people who do not know the Word. They do not understand who God is at all. They do not understand because spiritual wisdom is imparted by God, not my reading the bible alone and thus applying your own bent according to your own self. They live under the law (failingly, I might add) and insist everyone else suffer the same misery. Though in Romans 2 Paul speaks specifically of Jews who teach the Law of God to others while breaking the Law, I cannot help but think of many current day Christians when I get to verse 24:

"The Name of God is blasphemed among the gentiles because of you."

Paul refers to the Gentiles here as those who did not have the knowledge of God. Because of our unwillingness to walk the walk, people who aren't there yet reject God. This is the trail of deadness left behind by the religious. Make no mistake. The mark of a christian is love manifested in grace and truth.

Agreed, God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is a God of justice. He is perfect. He is OTHER. He REQUIRES something from us. (Fancy that.. the Creator requires something of us. How dare He...) But He is also the personification of lovingkindness, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, grace and truth (Exodus 34:6-7.) Some go on to site the end of verse 7, and, yes, there are consequences for our actions, particularly in the family system. There is a principle of the generational curse. This is the way God made us. We cannot do what we want and think it has no bearing on anyone else. This verse is about relationship. And God is all about relationship. (Another topic for another post.....on another day.)

What I want to convey about the question and doubt over God in these times is that we live in a world that is winding down. We live in a place that is not Eden. It is not what it was meant to be. It is not the perfect Utopia we so cling to and long for it to be. There is a natural way of our fallen world (and its fallen inhabitants) that imparts suffering, death, pain. God in His sovereignty allows the natural way of the cosmos and then, amazingly, He meets us there, right where we are. He sees the big picture that we cannot see in our our finite minds no matter how we angle it.

Even now, in the desolation that is Haiti, God sends His provision, meeting needs both physical and spiritual, sending with those that go the message of hope in Jesus. I cannot recount the number of people who have said that it was in the pain and loss of their lives that God showed up. I know it to be true in my own life. He brings beauty from ashes and life where there is death. He is at home with the suffering (look at the Cross.) It is His character, who He reveals Himself to be, that is the basis for how I see the world. I do not look at the world and so assess God according to my own limited understanding, putting myself in the position of God (which we prefer to do, honestly. Easier. Much more control. Less frightening. yes?) And I certainly do not make judgements about the spiritual state of others and Gods' dealings with them...Pat Robertson.....moving right along.

My understanding of the "whys" is limited, but I know that I know what God is like and I am so, so grateful that He is that way....and not at all like Pat Robertson says He is.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts."
For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways."
Isaiah 55:6

(As an aside, for those of you who aren't sure about God, please, please pay no attention to the "Pat Robertsons" of the world as a reflection of what a christian is. You don't want to be put in a box, so please don't write every christian off because of poor behaving high profile figures claiming the name. I am really tired of that. It is like saying "I don't like Wendy's" and then so deciding all restaurants are bad.)

Night Beauty..

Last night I stood out on our balcony around 11 p.m. Only a full moon up in the vast, empty, dark sky. And rising like music all around I heard the comforting, exquisite chorus of the summer insects. How can such beauty mingle with such heinous ugliness? How can these exist in the same place? If I did not have the haven of God and His created realm to turn to, the presence of human brokeness might crush me.

Jesus IS our hope. He is our peace. I am grateful that He gives us glimpses of Heaven on earth in what He has created and in the rare and priceless act of selfless love.

The End of All Things

There are times along the path of my life that I feel so crushed in my soul that I wonder how much longer I have to be here. It is as these times, I realize the limited capacity I have to tolerate suffering and evil. Some may call it "oversensitivity." I am not sure we can be "oversensitive." We certainly learn through the media to be callous and numb to the pain of others turning off our concern like a light switch and moving on with whatever concerns us in the moment. Surely, we live in a country that, for the most part, wallows in comfort.

I saw a thing a few days ago that shook me to my bare bones. I heard a thing that has haunted my idle moments, stolen my sleep and nauseated me for days. I struggle to get out from under it, and in me it uncovers a burning hatred for the Evil one and for the level of depravity that can be born out of the human soul. It has now become a means for the Enemy to plant a seed of despair in my heart. Though confident the Lord will bring me out, one thing is once again solid in my mind. We are not meant to be here in this fallen place, in such a sad, pathetic state and certainly, there dwells in us no good thing apart from the spirit of Christ. All of our self-serving pats on the back, each moment of pride at our so-called "acts of service" crumble in the Light of His perfection and devastating grace. If we dare lift up the carpet of our outward appearance, we will find a rotten hole. I can honestly say that today, I am waiting expectantly and hopefully for the end of all things.

Feeling so unsettled today. A restless energy, perfectionist head space coupled with physical pain has me wrestling hard. The seed of doubt somehow burrowing into it all leaving me without a sense of place. I have four unfinished paintings screaming for attention and I wonder what God is doing to me this moment. With my mental bent towards productivity (good) and unproductivity (bad) I really am in a real mess. Just being and resting today is eluding me, so my only option in such a tight corner is to lean into Christ.

The Decalogue

We often think of the Decalogue as a list of rules or regulations to restrict behavior. In legalistic circles this is exactly what they are and are often taken to extremes. Do's and don'ts, if you will. I was meditating today about the ten commandments and how much resistance to them there is from many directions. And ,you know, I am resistant to them as well as just a list of "what to do and not to do or else."

In our hyper individualistic western culture, we are highly sensitive to anyone telling us what to do or how to do it. We create our own truths based around our own experiences and are often self-centered. It is amazing what the law creates in us. It brings about rebellion. Paul speaks clearly about this over and over again in the epistles. Rebellion is the core of our nature.

When I read Exodus 20 or Deuteronomy 5, my immediate reaction is not positive due to my own rebellious and selfish nature.But as I look deeper, what I really see is relationship. Jesus said in Matthew 22 that love of God and love of your neighbor are the greatest commandments. He goes on to say that on these two rest the entire law and the prophets. The commandments are about RELATIONSHIP to God and to one another. When we think of others as more important than ourselves (Ephesians 2) and recognize God as our loving Maker (who "don't make no junk" if you know what I mean..) with the right and perfect nature to guide us, the commandments become a joy. Born out of love, motivated out of selflessness, we were given these words as a foundation to have a most blessed life.