Friday, October 21, 2011


Waiting room.........
On Wednesday I had my two week post radiation MRI with profusion. I have had the opportunity over the last three months to make the acquaintance of several MRI machines This one was by far the noisiest. I am grateful every time I have some form of medical treatment and that I can have it in this country, but honestly I thought, "Well, if I don't have a brain tumor now, I will by the time they take me out of this tube."

This morning we sat down with my oncologist, Dr Menachery. There is a new 2 mm area of concern on the scan close to the tumor cavity. As well there is a small area on the perimeter of the tumor cavity that may be dead cells or swelling. We will have another MRI early December to see what changes occur if any and then meet with my surgeon, Dr Poffenbarger.
I begin high dose oral chemo the end of October. This is what he calls, "gut check time." I hope I have enough guts.

I have tried to be as transparent as I can with my posts. These few weeks after radiation have been difficult. I have had some dark days. I think because everything moved so quickly from ER, to craniotomy, to radiation I didn't have much time to process everything. I have had a lot of time sit in this and to pray, cry and even rejoice. It seems as though I have experienced every emotion known to man, even some I couldn't possibly describe. Some days I had severe headaches or fatigue....and "hello darkness, my old friend." I can't say today's results were encouraging.

This is hard for many to understand. Yet, once again, in His infinite wisdom and mercy God is pressing in on me even more. Though it is painful at times, I am learning to look more and more at what is eternal and learning to lean less and less on a dying body. Yours is dying, too, by the way. Just give it time. We are all terminal. My body is not reliable nor is it forever. Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is who He says He is. Every day I become more confident of this as my fingers are mercifully pried off of what does not fulfill. My self sufficiency, self reliance, hyper independence...excellent health...everything the entire world values, has been stripped away. If that gives me more of Jesus, than so be it.

2 Corinthians 12
" keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh...
Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."


Mary Frances said...

Tracey, your walk with Christ, your hope in Him, your trust in His faithfulness, has truly been transparent and this has proven to be a mighty witness to the glory of God. "He is with me on the table. . ." Speaks to our deepest longing. Emmanuel, God with us. Thank you for sharing with us. We will hope in God for your healing. We trust God to hold you in the palm of His mighty hand as you continue this "valley" walk with Him (and your loving hubby". MaryFrances

amy said...

i know it's not in the spirit of what you're talking about, trace, but whenever one of my kiddos says "ugh, i'm DYING!" or something similar, i always respond with "whatever. we're all dying. every day we live gets us one day closer to death." i'm trying to break them of their habit of over-dramatization, yes, but am also quite serious. i truly hope it sinks in, for some of them, some time.

no (bad) gnus is GOOD gnus.

with infinite love,
gary gnu

Elizabeth Seaver said...

My prayers are with you and your family, Tracey. You have lots of people in the art community doing likewise.


Kathleen Krucoff said...

Dear Tracey,

You are an inspiration in so many ways. Thank you for gracing us with your words, sharing your faith and insights. You are helping me in ways you do not know. Thank you and may you continue to receive the strength you need by God's love & grace.

Your friend,

Elizabeth said...

Not the best you could hope for but NOT the worst either- somewhere in the weeds. getting down to Duke will be a very positive and big step. They know this beast as well as anyone and they have lots to offer. Let the dark days come and then they will go.
We ARE all terminal and from pain comes wisdom. The rest of us are running around oblivious to what may be going on in our bodies. you have much more wisdom than us- you are teaching us, with such grace! i hope that you can paint- and I hope that it helps!!!
thoughts and lots of prayers- know that they are there especially when the dark moves in.

Kathleen Lewis said...

Tracey, thanks for the update. As Craig writes, the news in good but not great. I am glad to hear that you will be going to Duke next week. I am trusting God with your life and mine. And yes, we are all terminal. I am more and more aware of that fact. When it all shakes out and we are left with what is real and true--the gold standard of what matters in this life, it is that we belong to the Lord and He is our strong support. We can take comfort in that truth. Love Kathy

Breland said...

LOVE this post.

Kathryn said...

Eternal perspective. Why does it cost so much to gain it? Praying with you!