Thursday, May 31, 2012

Dégradés de gris

(I wrote this post about a week ago and then sat on it for quite awhile. I was uncertain about being so open, BUT I decided from the beginning of this journey to be as transparent as and honest as I can.)

I almost don't have to write anything. The photo above that Craig took of me on the train speaks a million words about the road I am on. Imagery is so very powerful to me and I am shocked by the volume of the image.

These days seem to go by quickly, and we are very thankful for an MRI showing no tumor activity after two seizures. But I am beginning to search for  a  "normal." Every  weighty thought rises to the surface each fighting to be first in line as my eyes open. And then inevitably close. I can go back to sleep and they disappear for awhile with no power to get me under the covers. With no power to tempt me to pull at the thread they dangle before me.

I am now more easily overwhelmed, and struggle in a different way than in the crisis season of my diagnosis. It is difficult to tell which meds are causing which side effects. The most looming by far is depression. I feel like I should be better. Back in Black, so to speak. But in honesty I have little motivation for much of anything. Least of all painting. I am not sure why. I really am living one day at a time. This is my daily cry as the marathon continues.

 "As the deer pants for the water brooks,
         So my soul pants for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
         When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.
         For I used to go along with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God,
         With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
why have you become disturbed within me?
         Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him       

 For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
         Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan
         And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
         All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
         And His song will be with me in the night,
         A prayer to the God of my life.

I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?
         Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”

As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,
         While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

 Why are you in despair, O my soul?
         And why have you become disturbed within me?
         Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
         The help of my countenance and my God."

Psalm 42