I don't know how I feel today, other than I have a bad headache and my eyes hurt. Those who know me, know me to be very independent. My life in many ways has become a strict regime of timed medications and insomnia interrupted cat naps. It has become a daily schedule of radiation, chemotherapy and a complete reliance on others to drive me anywhere. Most of the things I could do before GBM I cannot do for now. As a person who has wrestled with depression, I have mulled over the possibility of a visit from "darkness, my old friend" while going through treatment. I struggle with the medication. Today, I have to work hard to focus on the positive realities of the drugs and not the very real negatives that also come along with them.
In His mercy and goodness (yes, I said mercy and goodness) I have been confined and forced into utter dependence. I believe I have been healed of GBM. Ultimately, the Lord will make that decision according to His perfect will that extends far, far beyond my small life. He has turned my life over and over in His hand like a stone. I am learning quickly the priceless treasure of what is eternal and on what truly has value. You idea of control over your life is an illusion. Make no mistake. Like Matt Chandler said "We are all terminal."
A Psalm of Supplication and Trust.
"Incline Your ear, O LORD, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy.
Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man;
O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You.
Be gracious to me, O Lord,
For to You I cry all day long.
Make glad the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.
Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer;
And give heed to the voice of my supplications!
In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me.
There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,
Nor are there any works like Yours.
All nations whom You have made shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And they shall glorify Your name.
For You are great and do wondrous deeds;
You alone are God.
Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.
13 For Your lovingkindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.
O God, arrogant men have risen up against me,
And a band of violent men have sought my life,
And they have not set You before them.
But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth.
Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Oh grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your handmaid.
Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me."