New Normal.

There are actually some hours these days when I forget that I have stage 4 brain cancer. I am beginning to look like myself again. There was a time I didn't recognize me. My hair is all back and I have lost the "steroid ten." Very shortly it will be the one year out from a hot July day that changed our lives. I will say "had" cancer though there is no cure. But I have a Healer in Jesus and one way or the other I will be healed. I am finding the fear less present as I release my grip on what I falsely think is mine.

I am seeking to conquer my anxiety around IV Avastin with gratitude, and a sense of humor. I have a strict rule forbidding my mind to swim around in it's murky and treacherous side effect waters. Though each time I wonder if we'll get a good vein, I accept it. My veins are deteriorating but I still am not ready for a port. We have twenty four treatments total at least. I am on nine this Friday, so the port option is in arms reach if so needed.

Depression , my old friend, has crept up slowly over the last few months. I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I do have to feed and take out Big Puppy (Reuben's rap name) and often find myself crawling back to bed after making myself eat a bowl of cereal. I come from a family of doers, so at times I can feel rather useless and full of regret when the Lord finally gets me up at 10 or 11 in the morning. This is a matter of changing how I think and remembering I am not what I do or what I do not do. This is also a releasing and confessing that I often get my contentment out of how much I accomplished rather than from my relationship with God. You can imagine after eight months of battling brain cancer the accomplishment idol has created a lot of guilt and restlessness in me. I have to work hard at letting my eyes linger on the cross of Christ and allow Him to tell me who I am.



I started painting again, having sold everything. I am thankful, yet struggling in some ways that all the work that comprised the first of the New Mythology series are gone. Each of them is deeply embedded in my psyche....... those characters are still alive and eager to be made anew....
I began a series of portraits from the New Mythology War of Birds. Now if I can just wrestle through and get to the easel.

Please ray with me and Craig for the work He has placed before us. For my struggle with depression and Avastin and for complete healing. But above all pray that Christ would be glorified through all these and through us.

The May Schedule:

Official post-Gamma Knife MRI is May 3rd

Avastin May 4th

D.C. Race for Hope May 6th (you can still join our team...:)

Back to Duke on May 8th

We meet with my surgeon, Dr Poffenbarger May 11th.

Avastin May 18


"He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.

For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him.

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.

For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven."

Colossians 1

God's Country

We are at six weeks out from Gamma Knife (or "Cyber Knife".....that sounds cooler.) and I have an MRI this Thursday the 8th at Mary Washington. I have had a few friends also battling GBM who haven't had great news recently, so I am eager to take a look inside. I continue every other Friday IV Avastin and daily Temodar until it no longer works or we reach the 18 month mark in the clear. We then enter into "no man's land" or a sort of uncharted territory for GBM. Either way, it's God's country.

So a little blue today and a bit nervous about the next week. I find myself wanting to hide beneath the covers and take my mind off of it all by sleeping. I tend to be a deep thinker and an over thinker. And, well, there are some serious possibilities. Yet the bottom line is it is out of my control and completely in the Lord's hands. May He do what is best according to His perfect will and for His own glory. I am battling to live there today or at least visit and am relieved to know that when I become overwhelmed and crawl into bed, He is there.

So pray with us for a clean scan and for God's leading as we walk this thing out with Him and all of you.

Also pray for my fellow comrade in the fight, Rachel. She has had a rough few weeks. First a grand mal seizure and a discouraging MRI. She is currently undergoing a brutal confrontation with chemo.

"Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O LORD.Lord, hear my voice: let thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications...."

Psalm 140

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

“Behold, all those who are angered at you will be shamed and dishonored; Those who contend with you will be as nothing and will perish.

“You will seek those who quarrel with you, but will not find them, Those who war with you will be as nothing and non-existent.

“For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’

Isaiah 41

Race for Hope 5K

Craig and I along with friends are running the Race for Hope 5K in May here in D.C. If you'd like to donate or run/walk with our team, go to my page here.

Waiting

It has been a few weeks since the Gamma Knife so we are just in a waiting period until the next MRI. That will be in a few weeks before we go back to Duke.



I have felt ok, but have a cold at the moment. Major life stressor + scary drugs + cold = eggshell moments for me as far as my thoughts and feelings are concerned. I have been laying in bed dwelling on NOT painting and chewing on the place I find myself in these days. It can taste bitter. Everything has changed. I have questioned God's call on my life and wandered into some dark corners lately. It has been seven months since my trip to the ER. When it gets pitch black I wonder if I will be here this time next year. But we could all ask that and should be mindful of that possibility.

I know God is working something in and around me through brain cancer. I see it in glimpses. Waiting to see what it is in fullness or what the outcome will be requires surrender. Sometimes we never know the why. In difficulty we have to let go of expectations for our lives, of ourselves and of others. All we have is Our Maker. The Lord Himself. Though it is so antithetical to our own nature, and of course our culture, it is in losing what we thought was so vital that we are released enough to accept God's will as perfect. It is how He designed us.

Listen, my friends, whatever that thing you are afraid of, the thing that has plagued you your whole life, the thing you are certain you could never endure, God already knows. He sees what's coming down the pipe and into your life. Jesus will already be there waiting. That has been my experience through this. He is faithful. Without exception and at all times.

Love you all......more than you know.

(For those of you beautiful people who don't know anything about Jesus or are unsure find out who He is. Don't let your bad church experiences or personal opinions keep you from doing the good work of seeking and knocking. Email me if you want to hash it out. I don't have all the answers but I'll walk with you.....tracey@traceyclarke.com)

"The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?"

Mind over Mordor

So I feel like crap today. I said it, I mean it. Since my last post we have just been waiting until Gamma Knife day. We leave for UVA in the morning. I have two rounds of Avastin in my system and started daily Temodar a week ago. I am wondering which of these delightful concoctions is causing me to feel especially bad over the last few days. It is probably the combination of all of it including the rebound inflammation that makes me feel like I was hit by a truck. So, I wrestle on.

The key is to pay close attention to my thoughts. Every body sensation can send the mind down the long and winding road. For instance, I have a headache today. I had a headache when I had my seizure back in July. See how I could freak out? I feel extra tired with no reason to be. My WBC was a bit low last blood work. Is the Temodar destroying my blood? Again, there is a choice to be made. I can't paint, so I feel useless. See where this could take me? To Mordor basically.



But one does not simply walk into Mordor, but one can think her way in easily. Most easily when she feels like crap. You don't even need Gollum.


"And do not be conformed to this world, (...which has taught us it is all about us....thank you Enlightenment) but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Romans 12

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Phil 4

The battle is on the mind and it all boils down to this: Who do you think God is and what is He like? Jesus is constantly pushing the tension with me at this place in my life. "Do you trust me or not?" And I make that choice to believe what He says about Himself not to get relief because sometimes I don't, or get points (that is religion and I am already accepted completely because of His death and resurrection.) I choose to trust who He says He is so I can walk in reality by acknowledging His sovereignty, His perfect will and His choices for me as His daughter. I choose to trust Him because I love Him.

I acknowledge His rightful ownership over all things....including my body. I choose Him.

"Christ's Cross+Romans 8:28+God's sovereignty = "Every single thing that happens to us expresses God's love for us." JI Packer

I am always open to talking about what I post so feel free....and pray for my surgery Wednesday.

Grateful to each of you who has pushed on with me without ceasing.....

Gamma Knife video

Pressing Upward

I have been thinking lately how my life seems to be nothing more than a schedule of next medications, doctors and procedures. It seems every aspect and corner of my life has changed from the trajectory of my days to coming and going relationships. Some of these have been quite painful. No. Actually all of it has been painful, both physically and emotionally. But there are seasons for all things. I fully believe that now. Learning to let go is one of the most difficult things we will ever do whether it is something physical or relational.

One of the issues I am dealing with now is rebound inflammation. This is an unfortunate result of long term use of steroids. In short, Decadron suppresses the metabolism of omega fats and once discontinued the body is hit with unmetabolized fats that result in inflammation. So I have very bad joint and muscle pain. You could say I am like an arthritic. Some days are worse than others. The key is to focus on the truth of God's promises regardless of what things appear to be. When I am in that funk, not wanting to get out of bed or feeling afraid of the new IV drug I am taking, or when I begin to wonder how things will go for me, I must discipline my mind. Sometimes it takes me a few hours to get there, sometimes a few days. Let me tell you, this is much, much more difficult than disciplining the body. No contest. A friend said to me recently, "The battle for your body is only minor compared to the battle for your confidence in Jesus." So when all appears dark, the light of Christ and who He is"......Word. Any hope or confidence I put in what I see is a wasted hope, a worthless confidence since every thing we see will be gone someday. You will die, that flat screen you got for Christmas will end up in a landfill. So what are you hoping in? My body is already failing me. At 42, in the best shape and health of my life, Glioblastoma shows up. If I survive this journey, there will be something else down the road. My point is new pain, new potentially risky drugs.....I must learn to focus on the bigger design...the giant purpose written by God. If not I won't make it. I'll cave in under the weight of these physical and relational struggles.




Craig does a better job with details so here is the report on our trip to Duke last week.

"...we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4

December's MRI Results

In the middle of round three of high dose chemo. So far, so good.

Here is Craig's most recent post from the CaringBridge Blog.

"Unfortunately, we did not receive the news we wanted regarding Tracey's latest MRI. There is recurrent tumor growth. A new tumor has formed. You can click the photograph to the left to see it. The new tumor is rather small, about 9mm. It is just above the spot where the original tumors originated, which is now a cavity as they were completely resected on 1 August. You will note how small the new tumor is at this point as compared the original occurrence.

This is a very strong kick to the gut. Making it an even stronger kick to the gut is the location where this tumor is emerging. It is directly on the motor strip that controls Tracey's movement on the left side of the her body; her arms, legs, etc. Going after it with a scalpel could be dangerous and cause damage to motor skills. Tracey is left handed and as you know an artist.




So, what is next? This is where the power of the Duke Brain Tumor Center comes in to play in a huge way. There is are several strong and promising options on the table to eliminate this tumor, including having radiosurgery with a gamma knife (a non-invasive super powerful radiation that zaps the tumor) to new drug treatments or even innovative vaccines that Duke is developing. The next step could a combination of several of these options.

We are going to Duke next week right after Christmas. Please pray that the Lord would provide wisdom and guidance to our doctors in Durham.

Understanding the highly aggressive nature of glioblastoma, we knew that recurrence was virtually assured. Every long-term survivor we have met has battled at least one if not more cases of recurrence. We knew this coming, we were just hoping it would have been a little further down the road.

The next immediate course of action is chemotherapy that begins tonight. It will last for five days. Please pray that the chemotherapy is highly effective in not allowing this new tumor to grow any further. Please also pray that Tracey's nausea will be much lower than the last round. We have some new anti-nausea meds that we are hoping will be effective.

So, we have a strong and aggressive plan in front of us, chemotherapy this week followed by a trip to Duke to plan the next course of action to eliminate this recurrence. We so very thankful that this was found very early and at a point where Tracey is showing no symptoms of even having a new tumor. And we so very thankful that the Lord has provided us the top experts in the world on brain tumors to be on our medical team."

We are meditating on this promise from Isaiah 43:

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Waiting......

Me and Craig going on a date......

Since my last post Thanksgiving and round two of high dose chemo has occurred. The second round has very difficult and I was sick for about six days. I have to be honest and say it was a dark week for me. I wonder how I can do this for another 10 or more months. My post HDC visit to my oncologist has armed me with several new anti nausea meds to try on the next cycle. I am glad to have them available in part and in part hate to have to take more meds. I suppose I have a decision to make before December 19th, round three. My appetite continues to be spotty as does my energy.

So many of you have stuck in there with me all along this journey. You have not once missed an opportunity to encourage me with prayer, words or even hitting the "like" button on Facebook. I feel less lonely in this because of you all. Even when I am too sick or tired to reciprocate, many of you continue to suffer long with me. I cannot thank you enough. Hang in there with me. You mean more and are helping me more than you can know.

When will I paint again? It is the question everyone asks. I feel as though I am wandering around trying to get a grip at the moment, still processing the last four months and getting accustomed to a new "normal." I have sold several large paintings in the last few weeks, so as they fly out the door, I am at least beginning to think about getting back to it. Do I even remember how to paint?...

Next MRI December 16th, trip to Duke December 19th...


"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."
Isaiah 40

I am counting on Him.

Waiting

A few weeks a go I was on a support site for people who have or have had brain tumors. Someone posted that they felt like they did well through the diagnosis, surgery, and radiation, but really fell apart after the initial tornado passed through. For almost all of us, this beginning time moves quickly. There is a lot going on and a lot of people around for the initial crisis. In my case there were only eleven weeks from the ER to the end of radiation. Now it is waiting between MRIs and managing pain and medication, which can be beasts.

I really resonated with this person's question because I have felt very much that way in the last month or so. Being a person who has struggled with depression as long as I can remember, I find it visiting me in full force now with all its tentacles. The old familiar patterns of loneliness, fatigue, apathy and caving in are upon me. If you know, then you know. It is much like laying under a huge pile of clothes on the bed and they are so heavy, you cannot budge being forced to wrestle with body, mind and God. This is not always a bad place to be albeit painful. I am hoping in and waiting for God to bring about something beautiful.

The Lord will bring up the same scripture multiple times in a few days to get my attention. This has been very pronounced since my diagnosis. This is the most recent:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6


Here is a link to the Art Benefit on November 5th my community, friends and family put together to help us with my medical expenses. Craig and I are so grateful and completely overwhelmed......

Breland

Rachel has the same diagnosis as I do. Her blog is: "Breland: My journey to kick Glioblastoma Multiforme tumor's ass."

She has a video of radiation that is much better than mine, cos' she is much cooler than I am.

Day 24

Counting down the days. I finish radiation on October 5th. Even the technicians are excited for me and they are so great to work with. I am now eight weeks post craniotomy.

I have been able to begin slowly to work out again. I have always recorded my workouts in a log book so I can see my progress. Today, I pulled out my log and saw that the last workouts I did were July 18th and 19th, just two days before I went to the ER with focal seizures. On the 18th I did an entire upper body weight training circuit, on the 19th the work out was a high intensity plyometic sequence with a step aerobic routine on a 10 inch step. Today, I logged "Basic Step - 25 minutes - 4 inch step." Seeing those two entries was powerful for me. I feel really overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord to have the strength to finish that 25 minutes.


Reuben had what looked like a seizure out in the yard yesterday. He will be making a visit to the vet this week. Pray for my sweet boy. He has been very out of sorts all along this last nine weeks and anxious about me.




"To those who reside as aliens....and who are chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood: May grace and peace be yours in the fullest measure.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls." 1Peter 1:1 - 9

Days Twenty Two and Twenty Three.

Now that I am getting so close to the end of radiation, my focus is knocking them out. I had two very quick, uneventful treatments. I am so thankful that I have had comparatively few side effects toward the end of this stretch. These two treatments I was in and out in fifteen minutes. I like that.

"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. " Philippians 3:7 - 11

Day Eighteen

How can one tiny green pill cause so much aggravation? Leg weakness, swollen joints and cramps, insomnia, extreme hunger and thirst. Then there are Digestive problems along with mental and emotional instability. Let's just say the one 4mg decadron tablet I ingest twice a day has by far been the most challenging of any treatment I have had thus far. I have been on some form of it since July 21st whether by I.V. or pill.

When I allow myself to focus on the side effects of the steroid and radiation and dwell on my physical pain, I find my life narrows even more and my thoughts become out of control. I cocoon into a self gaze. I did that yesterday. And the Lord in His mercy spoke to me.

In the wilderness he was starving, thirsty and mentally exhausted. In the garden he was emotionally spent and left alone by his closest companions who were too weak to watch and pray with him. He was arrested, beaten, had his hair and beard pulled out. Then there is the cross.

Who else would know more about physical pain than Jesus himself? I began meditating on the well documented account of the crucifixion from a medical perspective. Here a trauma surgeon talks about what Jesus endured.

I know that He knows. He is intimately, mercifully aware of what is going on in my body. There is no thing that He has not endured before me or that He is not willing to walk through with me.

"Nothing happens to us but what the Son of God has Himself experienced in order that He might sympathize with us."- John Calvin

Day Fifteen

Breakfast with Nina before radiation this morning.

Today, I have reached the halfway mark in my treatment. So tired, losing more hair.....so? I can see the finish line.

Romans 8:31-39
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,

“FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”

But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Day Thirteen

On the canal path with Reuben this morning.

Mornings are usually the best for me. My goal is to get a good walk in before I have to take medication and head off to radiation.

Today was the first day I noticed a significant rise in fatigue after treatment. Typically, after the first few weeks fatigue increases and as I am moving into two weeks, this isn't a surprise. Monica, the radiation tech has been asking me about it for the last four treatments in a sort of knowing way perhaps trying to prepare me. I am praying that it won't be too debilitating. Dr. Poffenbarger referred to the middle weeks as "Gut check time." Gut check showed up in the form of frustration trying to get up the stairs to shower about ten p.m. as I felt a meltdown descend. I have learned to trun right to the Lord.

This I know that the loving kindness of the Lord is everlasting. Every moment of every day this is reality. It is my experience. The weaker I am, the more He shows up. And in that dissolving I cry out, and there He is.

Psalm 118

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His loving kindness is everlasting.
Oh let Israel say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”
Oh let the house of Aaron say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”
Oh let those who fear the LORD say, “His loving kindness is everlasting.”

From my distress I called upon the LORD; The LORD answered me and set me in a large place.
The LORD is for me; I will not fear; What can man do to me?
The LORD is for me among those who help me; Therefore I will look with satisfaction on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the LORD Than to trust in princes. The LORD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.

The sound of joyful shouting and salvation is in the tents of the righteous;
The right hand of the LORD does valiantly. The right hand of the LORD is exalted;
The right hand of the LORD does valiantly. I will not die, but live,
And tell of the works of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.

Open to me the gates of righteousness; I shall enter through them, I shall give thanks to the LORD. This is the gate of the LORD; The righteous will enter through it.
I shall give thanks to You, for You have answered me, And You have become my salvation.

The stone which the builders rejected Has become the chief corner stone.
This is the LORD’S doing; It is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day which the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it. O LORD, do save, we beseech You;
O LORD, we beseech You, do send prosperity! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the LORD;

We have blessed you from the house of the LORD. The LORD is God, and He has given us light;
Bind the festival sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar.
You are my God, and I give thanks to You; You are my God, I extol You.
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His loving kindness is everlasting."

flowers along the canal path

Day Twelve

It was a pretty quick radiation day and then on to have blood work and see Dr, Menachery. He takes care of looking after my blood and medications. He is awesome.

I have to admit I walked out of the meeting a bit blue. After hashing through what the next year or years could look like, I felt a bit overwhelmed. At some point, we move into the unknown with glioblastoma multiforme. There is no cure. It hit me hard and clear that this is a something I will have to contend with for the rest of my life, whatever days the Lord gives and according to what He ordains.

So after a frank talk with Dr. Menachery, here is our road. I continue through early October with radiation and chemotherapy and then will visit Duke Brain tumor Center for assessment and eligibility for clinical trials and other treatments. Craig has been orchestrating this meeting for weeks now. In November I begin high dose chemo five days out of each month indefinitely. Then in early December I have a follow up MRI with profusion and see Dr. Poffenbarger, our surgeon, for results. We believe in Christ that MRI will be clean and that I am healed. If Dr P. sees something, I may have another surgery card in my back pocket. I will then go on to regular scheduled MRIs and on into the "unknown" as they call it, for the rest of my life.

Here is Dr Henry Friedman at the Duke Brain Tumor Center talking about GBM MF.
We are greatly encouraged by him and his mission.

God sits in the heavens and does as He please according to His perfect will, not ours. We fully trust Him and understand that this entire event is about more than brain cancer. It is about Him making Himself known and that many would know Him. The supernatural power and presence I feel in my own body daily and His constant whisper to me despite my weakness can never convince me of any other truth. You my dear, friends, come from many perspectives and spiritual points of view. My deeply humble prayer for you all would be for you to seek Him out, to ask and knock. To seriously and humbly look hard at the person of Jesus without bias. To be honest, to seek the truth. God has provided all you need, every resource to know that truth if you will but ask. I know a lot of you have church baggage, a lot of religious baggage. Knowing Christ through the gospel has nothing, nothing to do with that. And to withhold yourself because of the ignorance and sin of other people whatever your experience may have been, is to do a foolish thing. Reacting to your experiences rather than engaging from a place of wisdom will hurt you over the course of your life. We have all seen it in ourselves.

You can go back to this post to read the story of my own conversion. And as always I am willing to talk and listen to anyone who has questions or thoughts. I have had great dialogue with some of you and love your honesty and transparency.

Psalm 16
Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.
I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord I have no good besides You.”
As for the saints who are in the earth, They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight.
he sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied;
I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood, Nor will I take their names upon my lips.
The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
I will bless the LORD who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
I have set the LORD continually before me Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will dwell securely.
For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

Day Nine

Radiation was pretty uneventful today. I am happy to have had a few days break and no post headache today.

Craig took this photo this morning. I won't go into the multiple side effects of Decadron, but those of us who have to take it for an extended period get what is called"moon face" (I prefer "moonpie face" 'cos it's funny...) When I look in the mirror, I look like a stranger. It's a funny thing to have been so active, fit and capable and be brought to a place that I barely climb the stairs or lift anything. As a weight trainer and runner, watching this dramatic change, a narrowing some of the passions of my life, has been both a sorrow and a grace.

Through brain cancer, I see is how the Lord has taken away so that I can truly see what is eternal and what truly has value. I have opportunity to examine myself. There are many things that are good, like exercise and taking care of the body, but they are not always the BEST thing. The good things we do often keep us from focusing on the best or wisest thing for us. Often times they even become obsessions that take over our lives, exhibit a narcissistic preoccupation with ourselves and need to control. Of course, this sort of thing can manifest in all kinds of behaviors. Name it. We all do it.

The physical body is perishing. Make no mistake. Take care of it, exercise, eat well and do all you can. But we are all terminal. This is a reality to me now that has come into my life in just the last six weeks. I am grateful for the gift of this narrowing life this whittling down so that I can see.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen ; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Cor 4:16-18

Day Seven

The Machine.

Today was a hard day of battling headache and fatigue. I never could quite get any naps in.
But......

Lamentations 3:22-25

"The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I have hope in Him.”
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the person who seeks Him."

Day Six

I don't know how I feel today, other than I have a bad headache and my eyes hurt. Those who know me, know me to be very independent. My life in many ways has become a strict regime of timed medications and insomnia interrupted cat naps. It has become a daily schedule of radiation, chemotherapy and a complete reliance on others to drive me anywhere. Most of the things I could do before GBM I cannot do for now. As a person who has wrestled with depression, I have mulled over the possibility of a visit from "darkness, my old friend" while going through treatment. I struggle with the medication. Today, I have to work hard to focus on the positive realities of the drugs and not the very real negatives that also come along with them.

In His mercy and goodness (yes, I said mercy and goodness) I have been confined and forced into utter dependence. I believe I have been healed of GBM. Ultimately, the Lord will make that decision according to His perfect will that extends far, far beyond my small life. He has turned my life over and over in His hand like a stone. I am learning quickly the priceless treasure of what is eternal and on what truly has value. You idea of control over your life is an illusion. Make no mistake. Like Matt Chandler said "We are all terminal."

Psalm 86
A Psalm of Supplication and Trust.

"Incline Your ear, O LORD, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy.
Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man;
O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You.
Be gracious to me, O Lord,
For to You I cry all day long.
Make glad the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.

Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer;
And give heed to the voice of my supplications!
In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me.
There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,
Nor are there any works like Yours.

All nations whom You have made shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And they shall glorify Your name.
For You are great and do wondrous deeds;
You alone are God.

Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,

And will glorify Your name forever.
¹³ For Your lovingkindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

O God, arrogant men have risen up against me,
And a band of violent men have sought my life,
And they have not set You before them.
But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth.

Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Oh grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your handmaid.
Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me."

Day Five

I got a fairly immediate headache after radiation today. I tried preemptive Tylenol which did help for a while. My attempt at a nap when back home failed. I guess I was kind of wired thinking about the headache and weird eye sensitivity I have had for the last few days.

About two p.m. I was dozing on the day and heard footsteps on the roof. Someone came over and cleaned our gutters. I have no idea who. The sacrifice of neighbors and even strangers has been stunning to us and the wreckless manner in which God has poured out abundantly on top of our heads is overwhelming.

A few nights ago in my insomnia I began to talk to the Lord about how amazing the medical technology available to us is in current days. Just a few years ago with this diagnosis I would have been told to enjoy what short time I have left to live. He said "I freely give without measure. This is who I am. I want you to freely give as I have freely given. I saw a windshield, a glass, wet with clear water being wiped clean.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity."