I have been thinking lately how my life seems to be nothing more than a schedule of next medications, doctors and procedures. It seems every aspect and corner of my life has changed from the trajectory of my days to coming and going relationships. Some of these have been quite painful. No. Actually all of it has been painful, both physically and emotionally. But there are seasons for all things. I fully believe that now. Learning to let go is one of the most difficult things we will ever do whether it is something physical or relational.
One of the issues I am dealing with now is rebound inflammation. This is an unfortunate result of long term use of steroids. In short, Decadron suppresses the metabolism of omega fats and once discontinued the body is hit with unmetabolized fats that result in inflammation. So I have very bad joint and muscle pain. You could say I am like an arthritic. Some days are worse than others. The key is to focus on the truth of God's promises regardless of what things appear to be. When I am in that funk, not wanting to get out of bed or feeling afraid of the new IV drug I am taking, or when I begin to wonder how things will go for me, I must discipline my mind. Sometimes it takes me a few hours to get there, sometimes a few days. Let me tell you, this is much, much more difficult than disciplining the body. No contest. A friend said to me recently, "The battle for your body is only minor compared to the battle for your confidence in Jesus." So when all appears dark, the light of Christ and who He is"......Word. Any hope or confidence I put in what I see is a wasted hope, a worthless confidence since every thing we see will be gone someday. You will die, that flat screen you got for Christmas will end up in a landfill. So what are you hoping in? My body is already failing me. At 42, in the best shape and health of my life, Glioblastoma shows up. If I survive this journey, there will be something else down the road. My point is new pain, new potentially risky drugs.....I must learn to focus on the bigger design...the giant purpose written by God. If not I won't make it. I'll cave in under the weight of these physical and relational struggles.
Craig does a better job with details so here is the report on our trip to Duke last week.
"...we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4