Thursday, January 05, 2012

Pressing Upward

I have been thinking lately how my life seems to be nothing more than a schedule of next medications, doctors and procedures. It seems every aspect and corner of my life has changed from the trajectory of my days to coming and going relationships. Some of these have been quite painful. No. Actually all of it has been painful, both physically and emotionally. But there are seasons for all things. I fully believe that now. Learning to let go is one of the most difficult things we will ever do whether it is something physical or relational.

One of the issues I am dealing with now is rebound inflammation. This is an unfortunate result of long term use of steroids. In short, Decadron suppresses the metabolism of omega fats and once discontinued the body is hit with unmetabolized fats that result in inflammation. So I have very bad joint and muscle pain. You could say I am like an arthritic. Some days are worse than others. The key is to focus on the truth of God's promises regardless of what things appear to be. When I am in that funk, not wanting to get out of bed or feeling afraid of the new IV drug I am taking, or when I begin to wonder how things will go for me, I must discipline my mind. Sometimes it takes me a few hours to get there, sometimes a few days. Let me tell you, this is much, much more difficult than disciplining the body. No contest. A friend said to me recently, "The battle for your body is only minor compared to the battle for your confidence in Jesus." So when all appears dark, the light of Christ and who He is"......Word. Any hope or confidence I put in what I see is a wasted hope, a worthless confidence since every thing we see will be gone someday. You will die, that flat screen you got for Christmas will end up in a landfill. So what are you hoping in? My body is already failing me. At 42, in the best shape and health of my life, Glioblastoma shows up. If I survive this journey, there will be something else down the road. My point is new pain, new potentially risky drugs.....I must learn to focus on the bigger design...the giant purpose written by God. If not I won't make it. I'll cave in under the weight of these physical and relational struggles.




Craig does a better job with details so here is the report on our trip to Duke last week.

"...we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4

9 comments:

John G said...

Great words, Tracey. Very encouraging. Know that I am praying every step of the way. I love you and Craig.

John G said...

Great entry...very encouraging. Know that I am with you guys in prayer every step of the way and that I love you and Craig.

Maureen said...

May hope never be wasted. May it help to still the clang of other words competing with it. May it fill your heart the way love does. May it be reason enough to allow light in on the darkest days.

You have been such an inspiration to me, Tracey. When I need to get off the very painful road I'm traveling, I take a detour and come here or to your Caring Bridge site where I am always lifted, because you carry His Word so much within you and about you, and your faith gives me faith.

Love to you.

wren said...

Tracey, You so eloquently describe the big picture. We serve the Lord because He is WORTH serving, and when we handle these struggles here (which have a far greater purpose than we can fathom) with trust in Him and hope in Him and out of love FOR Him, we glorify Him, edify others, and proclaim with our bodies the good news of Jesus Christ. You and Craig are individually and together painting the most gorgeous painting of your life with your life, and Jesus Christ will own the canvas for all eternity.

Tracey Clarke said...

If you are who I think you are, thank you for your package and your words....:)

Anonymous said...

I am praying that the Lord Jesus will give you Healing,Restoration & fill you with His Peace that passes understanding. You are the Apple of His eye & He is watching over You.
I love You !

Christy said...

Thanks for sharing this, Tracey. Sometimes the mind seems an impossible thing to rein in, at least for me. You're a fighter. I love that. It inspires me (often times a giver-upper).

Steph said...

When I compare these "light afflictions" I am enduring, to yours, I realize that there is actually no comparison. I am still standing with you. You are still my hero.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Savior, please comfort my friend in a way that only you can. I myself have never been down this road of suffering, but you have, and you understand true suffering. May you be the companion that walks beside her and understands her pain. Thank you that you are the dearest and truest friend and that you do not leave us to carry our own burdens; you take our burdens upon yourself and give us peace. Please take Tracey's burdens and give her your perfect peace and comfort which are light and much easier to carry than the sufferings we find here on earth.