So I feel like crap today. I said it, I mean it. Since my last post we have just been waiting until Gamma Knife day. We leave for UVA in the morning. I have two rounds of Avastin in my system and started daily Temodar a week ago. I am wondering which of these delightful concoctions is causing me to feel especially bad over the last few days. It is probably the combination of all of it including the rebound inflammation that makes me feel like I was hit by a truck. So, I wrestle on.
The key is to pay close attention to my thoughts. Every body sensation can send the mind down the long and winding road. For instance, I have a headache today. I had a headache when I had my seizure back in July. See how I could freak out? I feel extra tired with no reason to be. My WBC was a bit low last blood work. Is the Temodar destroying my blood? Again, there is a choice to be made. I can't paint, so I feel useless. See where this could take me? To Mordor basically.
But one does not simply walk into Mordor, but one can think her way in easily. Most easily when she feels like crap. You don't even need Gollum.
"And do not be conformed to this world, (...which has taught us it is all about us....thank you Enlightenment) but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Phil 4
The battle is on the mind and it all boils down to this: Who do you think God is and what is He like? Jesus is constantly pushing the tension with me at this place in my life. "Do you trust me or not?" And I make that choice to believe what He says about Himself not to get relief because sometimes I don't, or get points (that is religion and I am already accepted completely because of His death and resurrection.) I choose to trust who He says He is so I can walk in reality by acknowledging His sovereignty, His perfect will and His choices for me as His daughter. I choose to trust Him because I love Him.
I acknowledge His rightful ownership over all things....including my body. I choose Him.