Glioblastoma Multiforme Arrives

It is about three in the morning thanks and to the last month's journey and I am awake in more ways than one.

I have been mulling over how to write about the flooding hurricane that has been the last four weeks. Do I even want to? How much should I share? But my commitment to vulnerability and openness of myself and especially my faith in Jesus Christ propels me forward. You'll just have to bear with a painter attempting to write and then come to your own conclusions. I am fine with whatever they may be. I love and am friend to many kinds of people with all sorts of world and spiritual views, but under the circumstances given the massive work I see God clearly accomplishing beyond myself I must be honest with you all. And, I am prepared as well for your honesty.

The first thing I want to link to is my story which you can read in the previous post called "The Gospel." It is my journey of faith which began in 1994. Actually, it was a downright supernatural conversion accomplished within a matter of days. Overnight.

So, here we are now. On July 21st a series of focal seizures sent me to the ER, a CT scan showed a tumor. Within a week, I was admitted to the hospital, diagnosed with a brain tumor, stabilized on I.V meds, and had a complete resection craniotomy. Pathology revealed Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM). This is the most aggressive and malignant of brain tumors. I began six weeks of radiation and chemotherapy last week. My plan is to write about each day. I welcome your comments and thoughts.






My husband, Craig, has been keeping a thorough Caring Bridge journal specifics here if you'd like to read the entire story of the last six weeks.

The Gospel

How do I put into words the incredible circumstances that led me to follow Jesus……I have talked to many people about it, yet always feel so inept at describing the spring of 1994.

I can start with telling you a bit about my background. I was raised in a single parent home. My parents divorced when I was 6 over my father’s violent alcohol fueled temper. I was not raised in the church and it was not until my mom remarried my step dad when I was 12 that I first went to church with my family. Mostly, I didn’t get it and rather ended up loathing religion as years of unresolved pain, anger and depression lingered in my system into my 20’s. When I was 13 or so in a very real moment I did pray with my Sunday school teacher to believe in Jesus. All I can say to describe what transpired is that something went out through the top of my head and something else came entered. It freaked me out so much I never said anything about it to anyone.

At 14 I left secretly from home to Florida to live with my dad….after five years, I went on the Altanta College of Art where I formed my philosophy of life, slowly becoming more and more convinced that there was no god. I became heavily involved with the underground punk scene. I spent alot of nights going to see bands and drinking A LOT. The magnitude of my anger and depression was oppressive. I was working as a vet tech at the time in Decatur, a suburb of Altanta, spending evenings seeing bands. I didn’t do much art at the time being so busy with a demanding full time job, but somehow in the spring of 1994, I had the idea to paint a large scale work of Jesus. To me, he was just a great teacher, a historical figure. I thought it would be really cool to paint him nude. My first order of business was to do a little research. So, I would visit the local library to check out any books I could find. I read books from many different perspectives on who Jesus really was…..and this is where it becomes challenging to articulate.

In that little house in Decatur Georgia at some moment of time I cannot place, the presence of God filled the room surrounding me in a sort of bubble. It was the purest most beautiful thing one could ever imagine. To describe what the very presence of God feels like in words……impossible. This went on for several weeks. I slept little and even had multiple experiences with demonic attack. It did not take long for me to understand that the Spirit of God was pointing me to Jesus as the way, the truth and the life. As a matter of fact, the scripture speaks of a literal “rebirth”, a moving from death into life. And that is exactly what happened to me. I noticed that colors were more vibrant, I heard sounds with a certain new clarity. It really was like being dead and then brought to life. From that day on, nothing could convince me of any truth other than that Jesus Christ is exactly who the scripture says He is: The son of God sent to take on the sins of the world and offer reconciliation with God. Thus began a 16 year journey of study, prayer and following Him.

I cannot count the times He has spoken truth to me, blessed and worked in me, changed and healed me and I owe Him my life. I challenge each of you to truly examine the Jesus.

So, my friends, this is my story. And this is the gospel:

God, out of an overflow of His being and His glory, creates. He speaks and things come into existence. He creates the universe, the planets, and at the apex of His creation, He creates man in His image. He creates out of love. And He breathes His spirit into dust, and man is created. And then he creates woman. God created this perfect, harmonious, beautiful creation, and man decided that he could do things better than God, that he was smarter than God, that he could be a better sovereign than God could. So he rebels against the word of God. God told him how to live, what life was supposed to be like, told him want to do and what not to do. He gave man a path that leads to life. He displayed the way that leads to our ultimate joy which is only found in relationship with Him.

In love He said,
“Go this way, not this way.”
And man said, “You know what? I really appreciate You giving me some heads up, but I really think I know better than You, God. So I’m going to do this.”
So man sins, rebels against God and thus separates himself from relationship with God. And death enters the word, and it infects and shatters everything. And all of us now, in Adam’s fall, all sinned. All of us became sinners by our nature and by action; we join in this fall. And we do it every single day. All we have to do is look around and be honest about our own hearts and we can see the trail of pain we leave.

How in the world is God going to deal with this problem of having sinful creatures that rebel against Him and at the same time finish what He set out to do, which is namely to have a planet full of creatures who image and glorify Him?

After the fall, the rest of the Bible is preparing for Jesus Christ to step on the scene. It is the grand Metanarrative. It is a preparing for this great news to be trumpeted. He prepares for the coming of His Son by raising up a people, the Jews, who by covenantal stipulations, temple worship, systems of sacrifice and a priesthood, by kings and by prophets are taught something of what God is planning and what He expects. This is the Old Testament and then in the fullness of time, His Son comes. Jesus of Nazareth, born of the Virgin Mary, in Bethlehem comes and takes on human nature. Jesus was fully man and fully God. Onto the stage of history in response to man’s sin and rebellion steps Jesus. Our problem is that we are separated from a holy God because we are sinners, because his wrath is deserved by us, and there is nothing we can do about. There is no amount of good works that we can do. Nothing. We can’t fix it. We can’t sacrifice it. We can’t do enough good. As a matter of fact God calls the “good” we do “filthy rags.” We will never be able to live up to God’s standard. So Jesus Christ went on the cross and died, and herein really lies the heart of the gospel. So, He lived the perfect life, performed miracles as a sign of His Godhead and then died for our sins. There is substitution that happened at the cross, a supernatural
substitution where God took on our sins. God the Son took on our sins and died for them
and gave us His righteousness. He got what we deserved, and He gave us what we don’t
deserve in dying for our sins. And then God raised him from the dead. The gospel is that Jesus Christ is Lord, He’s been raised from the dead and has come with Saving and transforming power. The great news is that God has decided not to leave this world and us in the mess that we got ourselves into. Through His Son, He’s decided to make all things new, and He’s invited us into that if we would trust Jesus Christ and submit our lives to Him as Lord and Savior.

Haiti

When there is a cataclysmic event in our history, it is only natural for us to talk about God. One thing is for sure, a natural disaster that takes out thousands of people in an instant brings our fears and doubts up to the surface. I have wrestled myself, just as I did with 9-11, with the Indian Ocean tsunami and various atrocities committed upon the innocent.

Over the last several days, I have read and heard many thoughts and opinions about God in relationship to the Haiti earthquake. Some have angered me, some saddened me, others have helped solidify my faith in the God I have known for the last 15 years. It is unfortunate that a few of the comments that angered AND saddened me came forth from the mouths of professing Christians. In particular, the misuse of scripture in to explain this situation, is upsetting. (Principle of interpretation: biblical hermeneutics, analogy of faith...context, context, context, people. Another post for another day....)

I wonder why so many people abandon any notion of God, why they become so hostile, why they are so confused, why they, and rightly so, want "nothing to do" with the God many Christians proclaim. I am not speaking of being perfect here. None of us are, but it pains me deeply to know the Person of Christ intimately and to see Him dragged through the mud by religious people who do not know the Word. They do not understand who God is at all. They do not understand because spiritual wisdom is imparted by God, not my reading the bible alone and thus applying your own bent according to your own self. They live under the law (failingly, I might add) and insist everyone else suffer the same misery. Though in Romans 2 Paul speaks specifically of Jews who teach the Law of God to others while breaking the Law, I cannot help but think of many current day Christians when I get to verse 24:

"The Name of God is blasphemed among the gentiles because of you."

Paul refers to the Gentiles here as those who did not have the knowledge of God. Because of our unwillingness to walk the walk, people who aren't there yet reject God. This is the trail of deadness left behind by the religious. Make no mistake. The mark of a christian is love manifested in grace and truth.

Agreed, God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is a God of justice. He is perfect. He is OTHER. He REQUIRES something from us. (Fancy that.. the Creator requires something of us. How dare He...) But He is also the personification of lovingkindness, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, grace and truth (Exodus 34:6-7.) Some go on to site the end of verse 7, and, yes, there are consequences for our actions, particularly in the family system. There is a principle of the generational curse. This is the way God made us. We cannot do what we want and think it has no bearing on anyone else. This verse is about relationship. And God is all about relationship. (Another topic for another post.....on another day.)

What I want to convey about the question and doubt over God in these times is that we live in a world that is winding down. We live in a place that is not Eden. It is not what it was meant to be. It is not the perfect Utopia we so cling to and long for it to be. There is a natural way of our fallen world (and its fallen inhabitants) that imparts suffering, death, pain. God in His sovereignty allows the natural way of the cosmos and then, amazingly, He meets us there, right where we are. He sees the big picture that we cannot see in our our finite minds no matter how we angle it.

Even now, in the desolation that is Haiti, God sends His provision, meeting needs both physical and spiritual, sending with those that go the message of hope in Jesus. I cannot recount the number of people who have said that it was in the pain and loss of their lives that God showed up. I know it to be true in my own life. He brings beauty from ashes and life where there is death. He is at home with the suffering (look at the Cross.) It is His character, who He reveals Himself to be, that is the basis for how I see the world. I do not look at the world and so assess God according to my own limited understanding, putting myself in the position of God (which we prefer to do, honestly. Easier. Much more control. Less frightening. yes?) And I certainly do not make judgements about the spiritual state of others and Gods' dealings with them...Pat Robertson.....moving right along.

My understanding of the "whys" is limited, but I know that I know what God is like and I am so, so grateful that He is that way....and not at all like Pat Robertson says He is.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts."
For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways."
Isaiah 55:6

(As an aside, for those of you who aren't sure about God, please, please pay no attention to the "Pat Robertsons" of the world as a reflection of what a christian is. You don't want to be put in a box, so please don't write every christian off because of poor behaving high profile figures claiming the name. I am really tired of that. It is like saying "I don't like Wendy's" and then so deciding all restaurants are bad.)

Do you know where your food comes from?

The church has ignored this horrible issue for far too long. Here is a video from the HS.

The Humane Society: Eating Mercifully, a Christian perspective on factory farming.

Night Beauty..

Last night I stood out on our balcony around 11 p.m. Only a full moon up in the vast, empty, dark sky. And rising like music all around I heard the comforting, exquisite chorus of the summer insects. How can such beauty mingle with such heinous ugliness? How can these exist in the same place? If I did not have the haven of God and His created realm to turn to, the presence of human brokeness might crush me.

Jesus IS our hope. He is our peace. I am grateful that He gives us glimpses of Heaven on earth in what He has created and in the rare and priceless act of selfless love.

The End of All Things

There are times along the path of my life that I feel so crushed in my soul that I wonder how much longer I have to be here. It is as these times, I realize the limited capacity I have to tolerate suffering and evil. Some may call it "oversensitivity." I am not sure we can be "oversensitive." We certainly learn through the media to be callous and numb to the pain of others turning off our concern like a light switch and moving on with whatever concerns us in the moment. Surely, we live in a country that, for the most part, wallows in comfort.

I saw a thing a few days ago that shook me to my bare bones. I heard a thing that has haunted my idle moments, stolen my sleep and nauseated me for days. I struggle to get out from under it, and in me it uncovers a burning hatred for the Evil one and for the level of depravity that can be born out of the human soul. It has now become a means for the Enemy to plant a seed of despair in my heart. Though confident the Lord will bring me out, one thing is once again solid in my mind. We are not meant to be here in this fallen place, in such a sad, pathetic state and certainly, there dwells in us no good thing apart from the spirit of Christ. All of our self-serving pats on the back, each moment of pride at our so-called "acts of service" crumble in the Light of His perfection and devastating grace. If we dare lift up the carpet of our outward appearance, we will find a rotten hole. I can honestly say that today, I am waiting expectantly and hopefully for the end of all things.

Feeling so unsettled today. A restless energy, perfectionist head space coupled with physical pain has me wrestling hard. The seed of doubt somehow burrowing into it all leaving me without a sense of place. I have four unfinished paintings screaming for attention and I wonder what God is doing to me this moment. With my mental bent towards productivity (good) and unproductivity (bad) I really am in a real mess. Just being and resting today is eluding me, so my only option in such a tight corner is to lean into Christ.