Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Day Ten

Radiation. I am a third of the way there.

I had a dark moment this afternoon. One of the biggest challenges I have had is insomnia brought on by taking decradron, the steroid medication I take to decrease swelling. At this point I am able to get multiple short 20 to 40 minute naps from ten p.m. or so until about three or four a.m. and then I am wide awake. I try to to take these short naps during the day, but often they fail and what feels like an hour or two nap was really about fifteen or twenty minutes. Time seems to freeze. Although I know this is temporary, it can become overwhelming. It is such a weird experience. We all know what sort of crazy lack of sleep can bring on. I have been sleeping on the couch for weeks because I am up so much and do not want to disturb Craig. At the end of the day, it IS temporary. I know it is coming to an end, so my mission is to manage it one hour at a time and ride the wave. I have to remind myself again that there is a benefit to this drug as well as to the Keppra and Temodar. As my doctor said there is a well laid and known path in treating this cancer and it includes these three.

Today, I have been meditating on people who might have the same brain cancer living in parts of the world with have no access to these drugs, no way of getting medical care and maybe living without even knowing what is causing their pain. They will die. They have to live with the effects of their disease daily without relief. It pains my deeply to think on it, but it is a good thing to do when I get squirrely about being unable to sleep or think about the next step of chemo treatment in the months to come. It creates gratitude to the Lord and challenges me in the future mission He may be calling me to out of this whole amazing journey.

I have experienced this power perfected in weakness in the most profound way over the last weeks.
It is runs completely against the grain of our human nature. We don't like it. But for me, that Jesus may be ultimate and all in all, I am glad for where I live today wide awake on the couch at four a.m.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10


Nic Yohn said...

Tracey - your words are so profound - you can certainly tell you are an artist in how beautifully you describe what you are going thru - I am honored to call you a sister in Christ - praying for you - Nic

Kathleen Lewis said...

Even so. Even though you can sort through the stacks of what is annoying and find what is good in what you are going through, I pray that God will give you sufficient sleep.

Breland said...

I also suffer from this "insomnia" you speak of... it's pretty annoying! And by pretty annoying I mean REALLY ANNOYING. I do, however, find comfort in your blog in the early hours of the morning... hope you have a great day!

Breland said...

I also suffer from insomnia. It's pretty annoying...and by pretty annoying I mean REALLY ANNOYING. I do, however, find comfort in your blog in the early hours of the morning! Hope you have a great day! :)